If you've followed the news in the past couple of years or so you'll know that the IRA has a splinter group called the Real IRA...
A group of friends and I were having a laugh about this after they commited their first terrorist outrage. How anyone can consider blowing people up when they are shopping any 'Realer' than the original IRA I don't know, but we thought, if there's a Real IRA, maybe there are other splinter groups.
Like the Surreal IRA, who yell 'BANG' loudly in public places instead of blowing up bombs.
Or the Minimalistic IRA who have very, very small bombs.
Or the Nihlistic IRA, who just can't be bothered with blowing things up.
Or the Mime IRA who throw themselves to the ground and cover themselves in ketchup.
This, and the habit of brands of food, drink, and cleaning products to add 'new' in front of their name at the slightest opportunity got me to thinking about 'New Light'.
In all its forms...
New Light; we weren't wrong, we just... weren't... er... right, but we are now.
Newer Light; well, we knew we were, er, er, UNRIGHT! Brilliant!, we knew we were unright, but it turns out the new right we were after we were unright is actually unright, but we are sure we are right now.
Ultra Light; would you believe we were unright again? But, you just read most of what you believed into the vauge statements we made last time we admitted we were unright, so we were unright, but it's your fault. Now we're right! Good thing we're gods organisation, otherwise people would think we were just any other religion the way we reform doctrine all the time.
Strobe Light; you can do it. No, no, sorry, we were wro..., er, I mean to say, unright, you can't do it. Oh, no! Sorry. We read that scripture with our distance glasses on, and now with our reading glasses on it looks like you can do it, but don't tell anyone, as our wives won't go near the old fellow so we don't want to hear about anyone else getting any. Oh! No, sorry, we were unright again, but this time we'll water down the reprecussions of being unright and make sure we never mention the fucking subject again.
New Ultra Light; Ah, well, on deeper consideration, we realise we were right all along, and were in fact never wrong, as being wrong enabled us to see how right we were.
New Light with fizzy dirt-dissolving things; And this time it gets dirt out of your book-bag!!!
New Light in gel caplets; less mess, straight to the heart of not being right again.
Retro Light; same as new ultra light but in sepia packaging.
Classic Light; when the congregation hasn't fully caught-on to the newest light, and half still believe the old light.
Light Lite; a little change, let's hope you don't notice... also known as minimalistic light, see also under 'Questions from Readers'.
Bud Lite; the guy in Brooklyn who thinks this shit up.
Light Sabre; his dog...
(edited for tupos, spilling & grimmer)