Here Is The Power.

by Englishman 6 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Englishman

  Some months ago, an acupuncturist friend of mine lent me a tape that, he said, would change my life. It is called:

  The Power Of Ah!

  Now, according to this taped (American) therapist, if we only said Ah! at frequent intervals, we would become more relaxed, dynamic, healthy, slimmer etc etc. He reckons that by saying Ah! we open up our chakras to healing energies, and, in fact, we are all subliminally aware of this fact. That's why when we look at a baby we say Aaaaaa! so as to impart our healing energies in its direction.

  And, of course, in our worship we say:

  Buddhaaaaaah. Chakraaaah. Shivaaah. Jehovaaaaah.

  Then again our loveliest ladies are Tinaaaah, Sheilaaah, Gloriaaaah, Esthaaaah etc etc.

  Now, according to this fella, we should all say Aaaaaah! several times a day. Not just a little Aaaah, but a great big long one, very resonant and deep. Your ultimate aim is to be able to Aaaah loud, deep and long, so that listeners might assume that they are actually hearing a digeridoo being played.

  So, today, I set about doing my Aaaahs. Stuck in traffic, I did a long Aaaah! much to the consternation of the driver of the sports car pulled alongside.

  I did a few quiet Aaaahs in Tescos amongst the frozen vegetables, the person in the next aisle said "Excuse me?" so I shuffled off blushing furiously, could this be the first sign of Trolley rage, I wondered?

  I sat in front of my PC and did more Aaahs, Her Ladyship asked me if I was shouting for another cup of tea, and was that with custard creams, darling?

  So, in my first day of my new life with the Power of Aaaah! I am, I regret to say, a dismal failure. Maybe it's not my fault; maybe the fellow on the tape should have said more about where I should locate myself when I did my Aaahs!

  Personally, I don't think he can tell his Aaaahs from his elbow.

  Englishman.

  ..... fanaticism masquerading beneath a cloak of reasoned logic.
• 

  joelbear

  So that's why Mitch is always telling me to say AAAAAAH!!!

  snugs

  leoj the ...
• 

  nicolaou

  shit! anythings worth a crack.........

  AAAAAAAAAAH

  Nic'

  dnc - coming soon!
• 

  bboyneko 2

  By the power of greyskull..I...am...AHHH-MAN!
  
• 

  nicolaou

  Twas a long and boring afternoon
  In the noble kingdom of heaven.
  God and all his glorious angels
  Had been drinking since eleven.

  They sat around the local pub,
  Draped over tables and stools.
  In the corner a game of Monopoly raged
  With a quarrel about the rules.
  
  God smugly sipped upon his pint,
  While his Arcangels danced around.
  Satan had just landed on Mayfair,
  And now owed one thousand pounds.

  “Come on, mate, you owe me rent,”
  The great creator grinned.
  “That’ll be one grand.” God chortled,
  As he paused to pass some wind.

  “You must be joking, you pompous git,”
  Satan rose swiftly from his stool,
  “You’ve been cheating all the bleeding time,
  D’you take me for a fool?”

  “Cheat?” God roared, and his angels cried
  “How dare you accuse us of that?
  “God is the supreme being itself,
  And you’re just a snivelling prat!”

  “I’ve seen you sneaking hotels on
  To properties with only three houses.
  You’ve also been hiding £500 notes
  Deep within your trousers!”

  “Oh don’t talk crap!” God shouted back,
  “You don’t know how to play.
  I created all the rules,
  And I have the final say!”

  With that, Satan’s temper finally snapped,
  He swept the board into the air,
  The playing pieces hit God in the face,
  And he toppled from his chair.

  “You little bastard!” Jehovah cried
  As he leapt from the bar room floor.
  “You’ll regret that for the rest of your life!
  Angels! Throw him out the door!”

  Before poor Satan could answer back,
  His collar had been clasped.
  He was whisked towards the pub front door
  And thrown out upon his arse.

  Several of his closest chums
  Leapt to his defence.
  But they were no match for the Angels of God,
  And out they also went.

  So Satan and all his bestest mates
  Were kicked out of the glorious kingdom.
  They tumbled and spiralled down through space,
  Without a penny between them.

  Miserable and lost, they drifted around,
  Looking for somewhere to dwell.
  Until at last they came across
  The vacant property of Hell.

  “What about this place?” Moloch asked,
  Peering inside the door.
  “S’pose it’s allright, Satan sniffed,
  Not too keen on the fiery décor.

  As if from nowhere, a landlord appeared,
  Bearing his contract aloft.
  “£80 a week,” he growled
  “No smokers and no dogs.”

  Grumbling a bit, and scratching heads,
  The reluctant ex-angels signed it.
  They moved themselves in the very next day,
  And claimed for Housing Benefit.

  A few millennia drifted past,
  The ex-angels wallowed sadly.
  They had nothing to fill their boring days,
  And they wanted revenge quite badly.

  Eventually, Satan had a cunning plot
  To place himself on God’s seat.
  “I’m sick of that smug bastard,” he spat,
  “Let’s stitch him up a treat.”

  “Are you sure that’s wise?” Beelzebub asked,
  “You know what happened before.”
  “He gave you a right good kicking,
  And threw you out on the floor.”

  “This time it won’t be like that,”
  Satan gathered around him his clan.
  “Now listen carefully, you pathetic gimps,
  This is my excellent plan!”

  AAAAAAAH!

  Nic'

  dnc - coming soon!
• 

  philo

  Then again our loveliest ladies are Tinaaaah, Sheilaaah, Gloriaaaah, Esthaaaah etc etc.

  Hey, you missed out Priscahhh, Gsahhhrk, and Peacelovehahhhrmony...oh and Joelbeahhhr.

  philooooh
• 

  Englishman

  Re Trolley Rage in supermarkets:

  I presume that everyone is familiar with............

  TROLLEYDERATA ?

  Go placidly amongst the aisles of Tescos and know what peace there is in 2 for 1. A far as possible, without surrender,be on good terms with your check-out girl......................................................someone finish this please!

  Englishman- who is at peace with his god.

  ..... fanaticism masquerading beneath a cloak of reasoned logic.