Feeling discouraged about the future of my marriage

by 24k 6 Replies latest jw friends

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  24k

  For those of you who may not be familiar with my story, a little history may help clarify my dilemna. I was raised as one of Jehovah's Witnesses, pioneered, became a ministerial servant, married a pioneer, and then became an elder, all before the age of thirty. A few years ago, I began to have serious doubts about the teachings and religious system established by the Watchtower. So began a long process of study and withdraw from, first service, then assemblies, and finally meetings. Along the way, I stepped down as an elder of course. I was doing my best to fade, but was finally officially disassociated a few weeks ago. I knew the announcement would bring added strain to an already strained marriage. Well, this morning, my wife's parents came over to pick my wife and our two children up for the assembly. I was getting ready to grab one of the kids to take them downstairs, when my wife said that there was no need for me to go down, as she could take care of it. I knew she didn't want me to go down and make her parents feel awkward, but it still hurt when she said it. After a few minutes of sitting at the computer, I thought, this is my house too! If they don't want to eat with me, or go on vacation with me, fine, but I will not allow them to come into my home and pretend I don't exist. So, I went downstairs only to be ignored by my wife's sister and father, not even a hello. To her mom's credit, she at least aknowledged me.

  The truly difficult part of all this, is that my wife basically agrees with this behavior. In fact, when we were discussing the repercussions of my disassociation, my wife was in agreement with the idea that, should I remain in my present status, it would be perfectly proper that my daughters not have me attend their wedding. I know I'm rambling a bit here, but I'm not sure how a person can have a marriage under these circumstances. How can two people share a life together, where one of them is the enemy, worthy of such shunning by even close family? How can you have a partnership when one person refuses to have anything to do with the other persons life, beyond the practical necessities of living under the same roof? I love my wife very much, and I certainly don't want to throw our marriage away. I just can't see anyway to build a life together under these circumstances.

  I know many of you have faced a similar situation. What, if anything, were you able to do? Are there any success stories out there? Is my marriage doomed?

  Feeling blue,

  Kirk
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  tetrapod.sapien

  hey (((((kirk))))),

  wow, you sound almost exactly like me...

  How can two people share a life together, where one of them is the enemy, worthy of such shunning by even close family? How can you have a partnership when one person refuses to have anything to do with the other persons life, beyond the practical necessities of living under the same roof? I love my wife very much, and I certainly don't want to throw our marriage away. I just can't see anyway to build a life together under these circumstances.

  this is exactly what i am going through right now.

  ...............sleeping with the enemy...

  i'm afraid i cannot offer much in the way of hope. my wife and i both agree that there is just nothing of significance for an apostate and a jw to have together. my love for her transcends jehovah, her love for jehovah transcends me. it's not a two-way relationship. it's a cruel game. the game of staying in a marriage just for the sake of it.

  i just cannot respect someone who has had the same opportunities to do what i have done, has been presented with even more critical information than i had, and still NOTHING. how can anyone do that? how can i respect someone like that? what the hell is wrong with her?

  everything that she loves, and cherishes and holds dear and closest to her, are the exact things that i laugh about, and criticize and think are total crap. how is this ever going to work? one party is stuck in the mud AND doesn't want to take the winch offered freely. she would rather stay in the mud, than climb out.

  it's sad man. she didn't ask for any of this (our wives). but then again, you didn't ask for any of it either. just remember that. the journey you went on is not your fault. it was there because it existed. a path in the wilderness that you came across. there should be no appologies forthcoming from you for walking it. and there should be apologies from your inlaws and your wife for not acting civilized.

  sorry man. i hope that whatever way it works out for you, that it was the best way for you. :)

  TS
• 

  Satanus

  Kirk

  That is rough. Power to you for your future.

  Tet

  That doesn't sound good. I would say, try to be patient. But, that's my opinion, and i'm generally not very patient. Good luck, anyway.

  S
• 

  lonelysheep

  I'm sorry you're going through this, ((((Kirk)))).
• 

  24k

  Sorry for the double post, but I couldn't find it when I first tried to post, so I did it again. I stiil can't get it to come up under "friends", oh well.

  Thanks everyone for your replies.

  my wife and i both agree that there is just nothing of significance for an apostate and a jw to have together; my love for her transcends jehovah, her love for jehovah transcends me; it's not a two-way relationship

  Well said tetrapod. I guess one of the hardest things to come to terms with, is the idea that we really may no longer have anything in common. When all this first starts to transpire, you try to rationalize that you can pull some common interests out of the fire, and build a relationship on those. It's like your still, in a sense, blinded by the propaganda of the Watchtower, thinking that you have a normal life and a normal relationship with your spouse. Once outside, you realize that almost every aspect of your lives, and marriage, and future plans, is wrapped up in the teachings and activities of the society. If you're no longer going to participate in those activities, or adhere to those teachings, the very foundation upon which you built your relationship is undermined. It's like you have to start from scratch, but maybe your partner doesn't want to be married to a non-witness. And so, maybe without even knowing it, they build an insurmountable wall, and shut you out of whole sections of their lives. Again, not a partnership.
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  vitty

  Sometimes topics go to active topics before they get onto friends.........

  Im sorry about your suituation, is your wife totally beyond reach,,,,,,,,,,,,,,a couple of ppl on here have got their partners out

  Goodluck ((((((((.hugs....))))))))))
• 

  Mr Rocky

  My wife and I have left together so take my comments for what they are worth.

  When I was a JW and met for field service once with a circuit overseer he asked those meeting the following question.

  If you are married to an unbeliever and he or she wants to take the kids to another church should you let him?

  Without exception the answer from the others was no! I spoke up and said yes because I knew of no way to stop him legally. The CO said I was right!

  Whereas you seem to have little children, could you not teach them the things that you have learned about JW's and take them to non JW's family celebrations. Demand every other meeting hour to be yours? Make her divide the kids religious time up evenly, there's all the family time with the kids, then your time, and then her time. Make sure you get them for every sunday and go to different churches just for education purposes, even if your atheist. You get every Sunday because she gets them for every theocratic and service meeting on week nights. I have never seen witness meetings win with kids over fun and games and pizza after church.

  This will take some time, not wanting to perpetuate the slavery of Watchtower to your kids or their offspring should be motivation enough.