MY STORY...BESTSELLER?

PanicFreeAtLast

MY STORY:
I was married at the age of 18, just 3 months after graduation. At the age of 22 I was divorced...had 2 children...and received gov't assistance. It was very hard sometimes just to make ends meet. For the next few years I continued being a single parent and fought constantly with my Ex and his parents over everything. We had such bitter divorce.
Times were difficult. I suffered physical and emotional abuse from this man for 4 1/2 years of my life. Some times food was so little, that I fed my children...and fell asleep hungry, alone, crying and praying for better days.
In the winter of 1991...finally someone special comes into my life! No children of his own and willing to take on the responsiblity of the 2 I had, because of the love he had for me. Still married after 10 years to this most wonderful, generous, loving man!
In the spring of 1991, my mother came to my lil apartment to tell me of my adopted, real life sister. I had always knew growing up..that I had 2 sisters and a brother, but never really gave it much thought.(my mother is NOT the biological mom). I felt threatened and felt like I would no longer be "daddys lil girl" and just wasnt sure how to deal with all this new information. Seem to be overwhelming. During this time...we were very new to studying this so called truth.
My husband had been "around" the truth and brought it to my attention.
DEADLY TURN OF EVENTS:
It was July 10th, 1991...a hot and humid summer day. My mom had stopped by briefly b4 going home. While cooking dinner, I turn to look and see my EX-father-in-law standing on my lil front porch at my apartment. Looking very distraught as he did..I knew something was not right. I approached the door, all the while noticing the tears in his eyes and streaming down his cheeks. He had come to tell me that my childrens father had been killed in an Industrial Explosion, in Indianapolis. Our Daughter was not even 4 and our son would just be turning 6 in 15 more days. How was I going to tell them? It was the hardest thing I had ever had to do my life!!!! I ran to the neighbors, barely able to see from the tears. I phoned my mother and told her the news. Strange thing was...after leaving my apartment..just not even a 1/2 an hour b4, while on her way home, she heard in a radio statement that 2 men had been killed in Indianapolis and she said she had the strangest feeling. My husband and I had planned on being married on the 12th of July of 91, which we postponed, due to the circumstances.
LEGAL PROBLEMS BEGIN:
All the while studying and dealing with the new information on my brother and sisters..the legal trouble began.
It was a contiuous cycle that I thought would never come to pass. I denied grandparent visitation of the 2 children..due to information that I had received, because I felt as though the actions and the environment was detrimental for them at that time should they be allowed to do so, because of being so lil at that time.
I was from lawyer to lawyer making court appearances and fighting over custody issues, money issues and anything and everything associated with the passing of my EX. There were soooooo many bills left un-paid after our divorce, back child support, balances due on vehicles and the list goes on. A custody hearing is scheduled and after the hearing...unbeknownst to me......I had a warrant out for my arrest, for contempt court. This stemmed from unpaid bills that were left after his death. Keep in mind...I was a person, who had NEVER EVER been in trouble with the law for anything!!! In any way shape or form. Being 5 months pregnant with our second child, together, I was arrested, fingerprinted and photo ID'd and booked for contempt of court. I actually didnt make it to a jail cell thank god, but bailed out instead. Come to find out...I never received a notice of summons to appear. I'd give a million dollars to see that picture. Me being pregnant and mad as hell!!WHEW!(lol) I think it was just another devious plan, due to the fact that they depised me so much.
Thinking I had found the most wonderful, trustworthy attorney, IF THATS POSSIBLE...I was "supposedly" to be informed of any and ALL things that went thru the legal system, but found out that I had not been. Going to the court house and copying over 100 pages of documents, of things that had transpired, I learned that I was now being sued for over $25 thousand dollars, for this, that and the other. Needless to say..my attorney was removed and fired.
It was just so bad, I didnt know how much more I could take. I'm dealing with the legalities of all this, studying with the JWs and being "pressured" to study and change my ways and yadda, yadda, yadda and dealing with the possiblity of new brothers and sisters coming into the picture.
ACCEPTING AND FINDING MY LOST BROTHER:
After, accepting the reality of having sisters and a brother...I was ecstatic! My sisters were adopted to the same family, but my brother was not. I met my oldest sister in the winter of 1993, for the very first time. My middle sister, still needed time to come around. Now, it was time for me to get aggressive and find my brother. Day after day, night after night and no luck. Then, he was found! After only 3 months, my family was a complete family! It was tremendous. In the Summer of 1995...we're taking this long trip to meet him, for the very first time! Everything turned out splendid and I got to meet my middle sister as well for the very first time as well! We are closer than ever now and it's incredible beyond belief! Just had our 6 year reunion of finding each other.
LEAVING FAMILY AND FRIENDS BEHIND:
By the winter of 1996, things were so bad, that I couldnt take it any longer. By this time, now a family of six, baptized and sick to death of the whole kingdom hall garb.
Its time to go and leave family and friends behind. The 1,200 mile trip to Colorado was long and grueling. No friends, no job..we were on our own. Times were very hard! Egg sandwiches and hotdogs are no longer a favorite food to me. I was lonely. I had NO ONE. My kids and husband were the only things that kept me going. Dont know how I ever kept my sanity and strength,,,but I did. Hubby had to work just to make ends meet, so we were not together through the grueling and long lonely days that never seemed to end. But...we did find strength in each other and all we had to depend on was each other and I felt closer to him, at that time, than ever b4! We left with nothing, as we sold everything we had to move. What lil we did have we eventually sold and pawned just to survive. I just wanted to come home and forget it all and start all over. Be with my family and my friends and be done with the preaching bullshit and lead an as much normal life as possible. But when?...I asked myself that question a million times every day of my life, during that time. I missed my mom,dad and brother terrribly. My husbands family..the whole thing was like a nitemare and I thought I would eventually wake up, to find that none of this had really happened.
PANIC SETS IN:
In March of 1997, home alone with the 2 younger children, I felt as though I was going to pass out and die. My chest hurt, my heart was racing and my husband was working 45minutes away in Colorado Springs and no family or friends to help. I told him of my experience when he arrived home that evening and he reassured me, that there was probably nothing to worry about. I thought, that I was just tired and exhausted and just needed to rest. Next day same thing, but only on a much larger scale. Now, I was beginning to really get paniced. The doctors re-assured me there was nothing wrong that it was just anxiety, but I wasnt buying into this, because I rationalized, that something HAD to be wrong, or I wouldnt be having these symptoms. I kept thinking something was terribly wrong and that I was going to die and now, not only would my older 2 children not have a father, but they were going to loose their mother as well. With that thought in mind,,,now the "spells", as I called them, because of not knowing what it was, become ever more worse. It got sooooo bad I was having 3/4 "spells" per day. Work was slowing down and we were finding it harder and harder to make ends meet and something had to give.
Moving back home was our only option. I needed my family and friends help through yet, another difficult time in my life. Then at 11pm on a cool september night, just outside Kansas City Missouri, making our way back home...terror strikes. (I had not felt good that morning, when we got ready to leave. I was weak, tired and having body tremors while in the shower). All at once my chest hurt like it had never hurt before and I was in this state of mind I couldnt even begin to explain, if I had too. I turned to my husband and told him to get me to the nearest Hospital asap! While asking an attendant at an off the roadside conveinent store,,,I swore by the time he got back to me I was going to die and be done for. Yet again, the doctor said, your having an anxiety attack and you're going to be fine. Still, not believing it even more now, since my "spells" were worse than ever...I just wanted to get home.
HOME AT LAST:
1,200 miles and 18 hours later and I'M HOME!!! One of the most happiest days in my life for the longest time. Now, time to find a new place and get settled and try to forget everything and move on.
WHOS KNOCKING?
As I open the door, none other than I see than the Elder and his wife who had studied with us just 2 years b4. Keep in mind, we had not associated with anyone from the KH in over a year and had not been disfellowshipped, celebrating EVERY holiday there was, birthdays and EVERYTHING we could think of to celebrate. We felt so deprived for so long, that we would manufacture anything we could to celebrate!lol
As the elder and his wife entered to be seated at our kitchen table, the first things out of his mouth were: "Been doing anything you arent suppose to be doing"? I was thinking to myself...who the hell is this man?....Sherlock Holmes and his partner Watson? I was in complete disgust. Where the hell were these ppl when we needed them? Even though they did help us move away..that was the extent of that. I even paid for the plane tickets for my 4 children, myself and this elders wife! I just couldnt believe his approach and rudeness. His wife asked me, "If I could ask Jehovah right now for anything, what would I asked for"? My response to her was: "You know what"? "I would not ask him for one thing, if it meant that I was going to dealing with anything much worse, than I already had the past 5 years"! She just stared at me in amazement. In the meantime, my youngest daughter comes running thru to my kitchen and says: "Mommy, are we leaving to get the Christmas Tree"? Holding back the hilarity of this, I tried not to laugh and wait.lol This sister looks at me and says: "You know...You can be forgiven once, but not twice"! I thought, does she think shes god, to tell me what I can and cannot be forgiven for? Needless to say,,,,that was the last damn time she was ever in my house! What arrogance! Because she was a pioneer, husband an elder and grew up in a VERY strict and devout Witness home, that made her god to tell me that? Complete and total disgust!
ITS OVER:
I was disgusted with the hypocrisy of the Witnesses, the lies, deceit and the brainwashing they had caused me. I shunned my family because of them and after thosands of dollars in medical expenses, CAT scans, blood work, 6/7 EKGs..every test run imagineable, I was finally convinced that the only thing wrong with me was ever being associated with such, hypocritical, I'm so much better than you, brainwashing, our association is god ppl, I was done! But now there was only one question that remained? How will I ever undo all the damage these ppl have caused to me and my family? I thought well...my family are the only ones who have been with me thru this whole ordeal and stood beside me the whole way, whether they agreed with me or not and they will be the only ones there for me now and I'll get thru this as well. I didnt have to live like this and now I was on a mission.....I'M "NOT" GOING TO LIVE LIKE THIS! I will over come it all and I will be stronger than ever, because if I werent strong enough, I would have NEVER SURVIVED any of this!
STRONG,KNOWLEDGEABLE AND POSITIVE:
So much is behind me now and I cant believe, just by reading this, even though its my life, the things I have endured! Amazing!
I have learned so much knowledge, I've learned strength, endurance and learned how to survive.
You know during this whole ordeal, I would always pray to god and ask him what I had done so terrible in my life to deserve this? But you know what? Those times in my life is when god was closer to me than ever and his angels did carry me. When things happen in my life now, that may seem traumatic and life is just that way as we all know, I'm not being punished...I'm to learn something in every journey that I take...it just took me so long to figure this out. Now, I just ask myself, when anything happens, okay..this is another road and something is to be learned. I may not know what it is at the time and it may take 10 years to figure it all out, like all of this has, but eventually I will know, as you all will as well.
Had all of these things not happened in my life, I would never have been able to find things and talents in myself, that I never knew exsisted. I found that I was a very talented poetry writer and have written almost 30 pieces to date. That poetry has helped me heal and move forward and to find the positive in everything..no matter how bad it may seem at the time. My writing has helped me to see, that it's the simple things in life that really matter. Just watching the snow fall, the children smile the butterflies frolicing, the sound of a nearby running stream of water and life itself and the most simplist of things are what really matters in life. I have become stronger and know now that something is bigger is in store for me and this whole ordeal was just a way of testing my strength, for things bigger and better to come. I always felt as a child that one day, something big was in store for me...After all this and much more...I'm ready for anything and ready to set my wheels in motion and let the world know...just how splendid life can really be!
*OUR BACKGROUND AND CIRCUMSTANCES MAY EFFECT WHO WE ARE...
BUT "WE" ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR WHO WE BECOME!

jurs

Welcome Panic Free,

You've been through ALOT !! I'm glad your here. Do you still live in Colorado ? I live in Parker, an hour from Colorado springs. I'm just SE of Denver . I went to the Franktown congregation as well as in Brighton and Longmont.
Glad your OUT !!!!
Jurs

waiting

Hey PanicFree,

If I read right, you're back in Indpls? I'm from Indpls, East Side near EastGate area. Went to the Irvington Congregation for years. What side of town are you from?

However, I've been in South Carolina for 20 yrs now. Love the winters, hate the bugs.

I'm sorry for all the problems you've had - and glad you've overcome them. Such a long trip. I've had panic attacks for years, but they're much less now and they originate from a different source - my father.

Welcome to our forum. Nice place.

waiting

MY STORY...BESTSELLER?

PanicFreeAtLast

jurs

waiting

PanicFreeAtLast

PanicFreeAtLast

Prisca

PanicFreeAtLast

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