I spent Thanksgiving week with my 92 year old grandmother who still lives at home alone. I am 48 and it was my firt Thanksgiving with her and she was thrilled to have me. It was a bitter sweet trip. Just 10 miles away live my parents who no longer speak to me, even though I am not df'd. When my mother heard I was coming she left and went to visit my dad who has a temporary job in Colorado. She also visited my daughter and son-in-law who also shun me. My grandmother is not a JW and never has been. I kept a daily journal that I have attached, if anyone is interested in reading it. It was my therapy for a hard, emotional journey, but, it had it's humorous moments as well. I'm sure it's nothing new to anyone. You have all been through similar family problems and situations. I have found though, that reading someone else's story helps with my situation so maybe it will help others to read it as well. Sorry, it's so long!
Debbie
November 20 th , 2005
I land at the airport and can visualize me with the kids when they were little, taxiing up to the terminal and my parents looking out the windows towards us. I walk into the terminal and can see them with open arms and ready with huge hugs and kisses for us all. So happy to see us. I’ve never experienced such a feeling, like I am watching a movie and the weight of it is so overwhelming I want to get right back on the plane. I want to go home to where I am loved and know I am already missed. I can’t even focus on my grandmother. She doesn’t seem to be a part of why I am here. Every step of the way through the airport I am bombarded with memories. I am very glad to be out of there and feel better once I am. I hope I don’t experience that through the whole week, but, I have a feeling I will again. At this point, I don’t see any way I can ever come back here again. Is this what people experience when they lose their loved ones in death? Or is the feeling magnified because they aren’t dead? Because they chose it to be this way? I will always have these questions.
Nov. 21 st
Life just went from slow in my small little town to a screeching halt at Grandma's house. Everything she does is so slow. She walks as slow as a turtle, talks to anyone about anything and introduces me as her granddaughter that’s here visiting. I feel 12 again. We go to have her prescriptions filled and of course, that takes forever. So we walk across the street to the little coffee shop in the back of an antique store. I get a cup of decaf coffee and she gets a cup of tea and we sit at a big table that has several other old people and they visit. I am once again introduced as her granddaughter…………and I am 12.
When we finally have her prescriptions and get home, we talk about what to do for supper, and I start the Baked Reuben Chicken. Unfortunately, my dad’s first cousin, Janice, is here living in her second home across the street. She has a home here and in Branson . She is 71 and a widow a second time around. She is opinionated, loud, worships Israel and all it is supposed to represent, detests Muslim’s, wants to marry the President(she actually said that!) and told me she does not and will not trust ANYONE that is not a Christian. The woman is a loon! And my grandma loves her and listens to everything she says. Guess who comes over for supper every night? Lord help me!!! After supper(which they loved) we sit down to the television and they pick apart the news on the news channel that Grandma watches constantly. Grandma is now VERY hard of hearing, so, the TV is turned up loud and they are yelling at each other across the room about the war in Iraq and how the Republicans and Democrats seem to be having their own war over the war. They have an answer for everything. Too bad the president is already married.
Thank God for Alfred Hitchcock. Grandma starts flipping channels and finds an old black and white movie. We don’t catch the name or the introduction to the movie and it starts out as a light comedy and romance in and turns into quite a good mystery. At the end we learn it was the first Alfred Hitchcock movie, but the most important thing is that it kept everyone quiet for 2 hours. It is 9:15 and I head for my bedroom and get ready for bed. Janice leaves and I make my phone call home to Ryan.
Telling Ryan about my day I found that we were laughing an awful lot. One thing I have to appreciate my family for is the great sense of humor that I have inherited. They all have it (except maybe Janice). I’m not sure I want the great genes though. I don’t think I could stand to look at my feet when I’m 92!
Nov 22 nd
Deep breaths. Lots of deep breaths. Calm…..calm………calm. I found myself doing this a lot today. The first time was this morning when I read a card Angie and Robby, my daughter and son-in-law, had sent to Grandma. It was a thank you card for the anniversary money she sent them in September. They both wrote to her in the card and told her how the chipmunks were doing that she had enjoyed during her visit there a few weeks ago. It cut me deep to read their love and concern for her. I found out they have started their own trim carpentry business. Angie mentioned how busy they were and I didn’t even know they were doing it. Grandma asked me if they were shunning me too. I said yes. We talked about it some over breakfast and I told her I just want everyone to get along. The family is divided enough. Giving my mom literature to read or trying to convince them they are wrong is going to do nothing but cause more problems. She listened but only time will tell what she will do. She keeps telling me how mom and dad are so good to her. Maybe she is relieved that she doesn’t have to take sides. Who knows.
Today Grandma was full of energy and it was hard to believe she is 92.. She was on the go constantly today and complains that she can’t do more! First we went to the grocery store and bought Thanksgiving dinner fixings. When we got back she had a hair appointment to go to so I stayed home and read for the hour that she was gone. She came home and asked me if I wanted to go eat at the pizza place downtown for lunch. I said sure, and off we went again. Then after lunch she thought we should take the pickup out of the garage and take the load of tree and grass trimmings from her fall clean up out to the pile in the pasture at the farm. So, off we go again!! I operate the gate into the pasture and she drives us through the pasture to the brush pile they will burn in the winter when it is cold and damp. I get up in the back and we start throwing stuff on the pile and sweep out the truck. It’s a beautiful day, in the upper 50’s and just a light breeze. It feels good to be outside. To drive to this pasture we have to drive by my parent’s house. She wants to stop there on the way back and check on their cat. My inside’s are screaming, NO NO NO! We stop and get out but don’t find the cat. I walk around to the garden in the back and can’t help but look up at the windows several times, half expecting to see my mom looking out, even though I know she is not there. I wasn’t prepared for even seeing the farm, let alone stopping at it. Deep breaths.
Grandma found the book today she tried to get my mom to read. It is called 30 Years a Watchtower Slave. She has had it since 1975 and it was written in 1971. I have borrowed it from her. When I asked if I could borrow it she asked me if I could come back for Christmas to return it. That’s my grandma. Give her an inch and she wants a mile! I told her I had family responsibilities with Ryan’s family. She just said, Oh.
I didn’t sleep much last night. New place, new bed and too damn HOT!! I have found a way to shut off the heat duct in the bedroom and also snuck over to the thermostat in the living room and turned it down to 72. It made a huge difference in here and I think I will sleep better tonight. But, I didn’t get a much needed nap in because my 92 year old Grandmother kept me so busy! It is just too funny. I cooked dinner this evening and Janice came over at 6:00. She was easier to take this time. More normal. The conversation wasn’t all about religion and politics. But, when it was about religion I interjected a few of my own ideas and she took it very well. Right now they are still watching TV. It is way too loud and my tired, aching body couldn’t take it this evening. I retired to my room at 8:00.
Several times this afternoon I found myself missing my parents so much. They are supposed to be here with me. There is a huge hole in my life. I’m sure being at the farm is what brought it on so strongly. We had so many conversations today. Grandma talked a lot about the painful part of her life, which was living with a man that cheated on her constantly. She gave me more details about that than she ever has. It was all very sad. She had two children and no way to make her own money. She was trapped and stayed even when she was older to have the things she felt she had earned and deserved. My Grandfather was a mentally and emotionally abusive man and he had a huge appetite for sex that she could not even begin to satisfy. After he died she found out that a neighbor woman, just a mile away from them, had had an affair with Grandpa for 30 years and that just about did her in mentally. She told me that she didn’t see the signs such as not being able to keep a hired girl when she was pregnant with Keith, my dad’s younger brother. She had a difficult pregnancy and they went through many girls that were hired to help her with her chores and the cooking and cleaning. None of them ever lasted more than two weeks. She learned later why, but, she still didn’t try and leave. She is convinced that he never loved her. He only wanted someone that was a good farm wife. Now, she thinks she was stupid for staying with him. I told her I could relate. I stayed with my alcoholic husband for so long because I didn’t have a way to make enough money to support myself and my kids and he didn’t have anything either to help if I left him. I stayed because it was all I could do. I was able to find a way out because there are more opportunities now for women than there were 60 years ago. I stayed to survive and that is exactly what she had to do and there is nothing wrong with that. We are survivors.
Nov 23 rd
7:30 am. One thing that can always be counted on is time. It progresses, no matter what. Only two more nights. Sleep is not an easy thing for me on a very hard bed. My body is whining at me. Today is pumpkin pie day and Grandma’s date pudding has also been requested. I hope to get out for a walk. It is supposed to get up to 70 today!
Ryan said the kitties were very glad to see him when he got home last night. All three came to the back door and were very lovable when he came in. When he got out of the shower they were all three sitting there when he got out. They are doing well. He said Molly has biffed it a few times trying to jump on things and climb with claws she no longer has. The high in N.D. today and the next few days is in the 20’s! More later.
10:30pm. What a boring day! I was very afraid I had made my trip too long, and I did! Grandma was 92 again……..tired and negative. When she is tired and doesn’t feel good she can only talk about all the negative things from her past. She talks about how friends and acquaintances mistreated her 50 years ago! She made her date pudding and we made two pumpkin pies this morning. She has always been the best pie crust and pie maker and she had trouble with both. I saw her struggle with some confusion and if I hadn’t been helping her, they wouldn’t be edible. After lunch I told her she needed to rest and she should take a nap. I laid down on the couch and read for about 5 minutes and then took my own nap for about an hour. It was a gorgeous day that I couldn’t completely waste inside. At about 4:00 I went for a much needed long walk. Janice came over for supper and we watched another old movie until 9:00. I called Ryan and he is missing me and I him. We are glad that I will be home in about 48 hours.
Grandma said today that she had been thinking. She said that if the Witnesses aren’t going to talk to me, then maybe she shouldn’t talk to any of them either, including my parents. I told her we can’t let ourselves sink to their level. I have left the door open to them that if they want to associate with me again, I will welcome them back with open arms. I told her we need to try and be better than them and not like them. I can only think that she NEEDS my mom and dad and their help. If something happens to that relationship, I will feel very badly. She did tell my dad that she and grandpa were heart broken when they joined their religion and they didn’t stop talking to them. She said she is very glad she said that to them!
I have decided to not go talk to my mom’s brother about why they won’t be seeing me. It just doesn’t feel like the right time. If my mother was to catch heck from that side of the family at the same time she is dealing with this side, she may hate me forever. I have learned to listen to that little inner voice inside and it is saying now is not the time.
Nov. 24 th
It was all worth it because of today. The day started at 6:30 in the morning when Grandma couldn’t sleep and I could hear her rattling around in the kitchen. When I got up she had started some things way too early. She was nervous and anxious and kept saying, there is no way she is ever doing this again! (She has said that before.) She had gotten up because she was doing nothing but having bad dreams about the dinner today. Janice should have given her one of her Zanex last night! I got the turkey started in the oven and took a shower. When I came out she had even more things started. I told her she was way ahead of schedule and everything was going to be done by 10:30 if she didn’t slow down. It was a busy morning. I took care of the rolls, mashed potatoes and turkey. Janice did the sweet potatoes and dressing. Grandma did the gravy and a couple of different vegetables. Aunt Elizabeth brought ham, cousin Teresa brought Watergate salad, cousin Sheila brought green bean casserole, Aunt Marjorie brought a carrot salad. My God, there was a lot of food!!! Grandma ended up very irritated at the bunch from that all came in one car. There were 8 of them and they were over 30 minutes late, but, since there were so many, we waited for them. There were 17 of us total. I could not believe everyone showed up except for my cousin Teresa’s son, who is the same age as my son. The best part of the day was that my cousin Sheila actually showed up. I really didn’t think she would. Teresa and Sheila are a little younger than me and were the closest things I have ever had to sisters. We grew up together, being the only 3 grandchildren and were always together at the farm growing up. We spent at least a week every summer together with grandma and grandpa at the farm. Sheila has had some emotional and physical problems and is now an alcoholic on disability. She is 43 and has an 8 year old daughter and a husband that has an equal amount of problems. I haven’t seen her since her daughter was about 1 year old. When she came in the front door, looking puffy, over weight, red faced and much older than her age, all I could do was grab her and hang on and cry. We held each other a very long time, each hugging just as tight as the other. I finally gained my composure and gave everyone else a hug. Her daughter looks a lot like her when she was little and she is very outgoing like Sheila.
Teresa has her own health problems because of her weight. I would say she weighs about 250 pounds. She has custody of her grand daughter, Caitlin, who is about 11. Caitlin’s mother is my daughters age, has had 4 children, including a set of twins. She doesn’t have custody of any of them. She came today because she is back living at home again.
Teresa and Sheila’s mother was my Uncle Keith’s first wife. Their mother is now with her ninth husband, or at least living with him. I don’t think they are married. The weird thing is that this ninth time around is her ex third husband. The girls are very much upset because she divorced her 8 th husband of 16 years and he was a jewel. He was the best husband she had ever had and she left him to return to one of her worst. A step father that brings back some very bad childhood memories for my cousins. It has just about done both of them in.
My grandma’s little brother, Uncle Fred, showed off his first grand child’s pictures today. His son is also 43 and living in . Talk about a proud grandpa. Uncle Fred has always been so very proud of his only son, Mike, who lives in . Mike actually got my phone number from Grandma last year and called me out of the blue.. He just called because he had thought of me and was attempting to reconnect with old friends and relatives he hadn’t talked to for years. At the time he told me his wife of just a couple of years was starting to make noise about wanting babies. He said he was too old to think about it. Since then he has got one. Fred said Mike’s wife complains that Mike won’t let the poor baby sleep. He can’t leave him alone long enough. I could just imagine another proud papa. The bigger they are, the harder they fall.
It was obvious that Grandma hasn’t told anyone about my parents shunning me, except maybe Janice, although she hasn’t brought it up. But, that is what makes me think she knows about it. Everyone else was asking about my kids and how my parents are doing. Even my dad’s brother, Keith. When I had some alone time with Sheila today, she told me about her mom and I told her about my family situation and not being a witness anymore. She felt terrible for me and I hope she will tell Teresa and she in turn tells Keith and Elizabeth. I have the need for them to at least know.
Teresa, Sheila and I all exchanged phone numbers and email addresses. I had tried writing Teresa last year after I had been here and she had promised she would write back but she never did. I think she will this time because we never had time to talk alone. She told me she had a lot to tell me. I said, well, it’s about time!
Sheila was very goofy and talking waaayyy too much by the end of the day. Teresa looked at me and gave me the sign of tipping the bottle behind Sheila’s back. I don’t know when she was doing it because I never saw her but it was pretty obvious she was drinking. There is never any alcohol at Grandma’s. I just feel so sorry for her. They both had such terrible child hoods because of their mother. They seem to be passing the legacy down to their own children.
When everyone left today, Grandma was grumbling something at the door. I think she said, When they all leave, I feel like they should be giving me a tip!! It cracked me up, but, I think she was serious. If Janice and I hadn’t helped so much today, she could not have done it. I think she felt a little bit taken advantage of. She was only offering her house to have it at in the beginning and then she offered to do the turkey. By the time it all came down to it, she was doing just about everything. I guess they figured I was going to be here and Janice would help too.
The total amount of family here today was 17. We are just a normal, messed up American family and I felt more a part of it today than I ever have.
Nov. 25 th
7:30am
Another night of restless sleep and the tears won’t stop. I woke up thinking about my parents and daughter. Being with family has made me miss the family I really want to be with even more. It hurts. I wonder if I need a shrink. What good would it do. How could they ever understand what this is like and the history behind it all.
4:00pm
I have a long layover, so I can write. I was never so glad to get out of that town . Not because of Grandma but because of Janice. She started preaching to me this morning when she came over at about 10:00. She knew I was leaving and she had to get all the preaching in she could. She was worse than any J.W. I’ve ever known!. I have now told her twice that what she says is so much like what the J.W.’s preach but she has never studied with them She believes we are in the last days and there will be a millennium when those that survive will live on the earth being ruled over by Jesus and the saints that are in heaven. I actually got along with her fine and respect her, she just talks too loud and too much. She doesn’t belong to any particular religion. She just studies a lot and listens to preachers on the BLOTT radio network. She told me to try and find where that station is back home and listen to the different speakers. I think I will pass. I left at 1:00 and gave Grandma a couple of big hugs. When Janice hugged me she gave me some kind of prayer blessing as she held me a long time. I could see Grandma and I smiled and winked at her. I had already told her that I can only take so much of Janice. But, she means well and she has a heart of gold.
I have been reading a book (or at least trying to when Grandma would let me) and it is written by a man who spent 6 weeks in rehab for his drug and alcohol abuse. It’s the story of those six weeks. He struggled with the 12 steps he was supposed to go through with their program. They involve God and believing in a higher power which he doesn’t. He writes,” From where I sit, all religion and spiritual thought are the same thing. They exist to make people feel better about living, to give them some kind of moral code, and to help them feel better about dying by promising something better when their life ends, provided they follow all of God’s rules.” I find myself agreeing with that statement more and more. Maybe more so after spending so much time with Janice. This was a week of looking inside and healing. I do believe that when you are searching and open to what you see and hear, you will be enlightened. I have been enlightened by Janice, in a negative way. I have been enlightened by the history channel shows we watched and how history seems to repeat itself. I see how the media is a very powerful thing in getting the disaster news to us and there are so many more people, each disaster seems much greater than it would have been before the 1900’s. Before then, how could anyone know what was happening anywhere in the world? We didn’t have news and there weren’t that many people. People are scared because of all the disasters but I see them as part of the cycles the earth goes through. And it makes me calm. Calmer than any religion or religious speaker could ever or has ever made me. Why do the religious people condemn those who feel this way? It’s fine with me that they need to believe what they believe. Just don’t push it on me. I’m just perfectly fine and happy with my non-beliefs which are still evolving.
My parents, daughter and son-in-law have just pushed me further away from believing the way they do by shunning me. I wonder how they would feel if they knew that. Right before I took my bags to my rental car, I told Grandma there is a huge hole in my life now when I’m here. It feels like my parents have died. Of course, Janice said they would pray for me. Grandma just said something wise. She said the pendulum always swings back and not to give up hope. I hope I will always remember that piece of wisdom and I hope it comes true. But, if it doesn’t I will survive. I have a very large portion of my Grandma’s survivor genes.
I can’t wait to get home. Home to where I am loved and needed and wanted. Home to Ryan’s arms. Home to my silly little kitties. Home to a cold, 58 degree bedroom and lots of blankets to snuggle under. Home ……………………..