CLUES that your loved one is ready to listen?

by jgnat 8 Replies latest social relationships

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  jgnat

  Some of us have success stories, YAAY! where we are able to share openly with our Jehovah's Witness loved-ones what bothers us about the society. The most recent anti-witness is from diamondblue, congratulations!

  I want information!

  1. What were the subtle (or not so subtle) clues from your loved-one that he or she was ready to listen, that gave you the courage to go on?

  2. Would you have stopped partway through if they started to react badly?

  3. What topics worked best, and why?

  Please, I want detail, so that I can start gathering a list of clues for exited JW's, "Clues that your loved-one is ready to listen."
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  Finally-Free

  I can give some great examples of what not to do. I made the mistake of being blunt about the WTS faults to my ex. I also didn't make any effort to hide my anger at the WTS. Rather than saving her from the cult I ended up pushing her even deeper into it.

  I'm trying a different approach with my mother. I gave her a vague overview about my reasons for leaving, and I don't say more then that unless she asks a specific question. I try to live the best I can to show her that we "apostates" are not the rabid, demon infested, drunken, drug crazed, fornicating swine the WTS portrays us as.

  It's been slow, but I think she's coming around. Recently she attended my sister's birthday party, and even asked me to add her name to the birthday card. And last night, on the phone, she said she didn't believe God would judge people according to their religious denomination, but rather according to what they are like as people.
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  stillAwitness

  Free is right. Never let anger provoke you to start lashing out against the WT. It will only make you look like hte demonized apostate that they are accusing you to be.

  Me personally, I doubt any of my family members will ever see the real truth. There all a bunch of fanatics. So I keep quiet.
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  dinah

  It's so hard to keep quiet while they look at you like you are the devil incarnate. But I agree with Stilla, always keep your cool and don't show your rear end. That's where they will say "Aha! See that apostate acting a fool"

  Hey I wanna write a book "How Stilla Got Her Groove Back". Sorry Stilla, couldn't resist it, it just popped in my head outta nowhere.
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  tryagain

  hmmmm....

  Maybe that's why I get nowhere.

  I end up getting angry and making an ass of myself.
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  jgnat

  These are good, but I'm still looking for SIGNS that your loved-one is LOOSENING UP? Is it a change in behavior, a comment? Like these:

  and even asked me to add her name to the birthday card.

  And last night, on the phone, she said she didn't believe God would judge people according to their religious denomination, but rather according to what they are like as people.

  Finally-free, would you be comfortable now sharing a mild criticism with your mother, just to see how she would react?

  That second one was a big revelation for me in my own Christian walk and I often bring it up with my JW hubby. I say, "Jehovah's not stupid. He knows who loves him and who doesn't. Just because the ELDERS have judged you not worthy doesn't mean that's how God views you. And the same with people who don't attend the hall. How can you say they are not approved by God? He sees their hearts and their good works. Jehovah is not fooled."
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  BluesBrother

  I wish I knew the answer to this one .. Although the points raised are very true. I suppose we are using J W tactics against themselves.- But it does not seem to be happening - yet !!

  she said she didn't believe God would judge people according to their religious denomination

  The trouble I find is that when I make similar points, they just say "Well, of course you may be right" They insist that the WT does not really say the hardline things that we know it says "Not if you read it in context" . It seems that they rationalize on some bits and just blank out what they don't want to read.
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  Check_Your_Premises

  I don't know if there is a single thing to look for, although I would say the first thing to go when my wife is vulnerable is field service. If she isn't 100 dubbed out, field service is a no-go.

  But I have learned to look for other clues. Usually a dub goes in phases of zealotry and doubt. When my wife is doubting it is usually at a time when she isn't keeping up on things as much. Other things are taking up her time, and the jw lifestyle starts taking it's toll. I try to read her comments in her WT. Those are interesting and illuminating. You start to see what is important to them.

  I also know that there are times when I should back way off. Or when we are discussing a topic, I have learned when I have stepped to far.

  It is hard to say J. I think I mostly go on instincts. It is a matter of honing, refining, and trusting them.

  CYP
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  M.J.

  I could kick myself. There was a time when I had my wife against the ropes, in a way. She made conciliatory remarks..remarks that revealed doubts. I'd say at that point she was ready for some listening. I would say my biggest problem has been lack of follow-through. Well, developments since that time drove her very deeply into the org. So...don't ever let an opportunity go by!

  Some times when they are ready, they will actually ask you for information (at one point my wife actually did this but I was so green...what did I do? stall..) You might be able to prime them to do this by finding ways to make them curious to find out what you're withholding from them about the org.

  Now say they did start showing signs of wanting to learn a few things. WHAT would they be ready to hear? Steve Hassan mentiones you should find out a person's criteria for leaving "a" group. You can do this by bringing up hypothetical situations of people who are trapped in various group situations, through the use of various pressure tactics, and finding out what would be red flags for your husband about such a group if he was in that situation. What would be the dead giveaway for HIM that such and such group wasn't what they claimed to be? Would it be a legitimate reason to leave?

  Perhaps a good, subtle discussions on this could arise from movies or historical documentaries of various groups.

  Just throwing out some generalities to ponder.