| D A M I T O L: Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours. |
| St. M O M 'S W O R T: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours. | |
| E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N: Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. | |
| D U M E R O L: When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of loud country western music and cheap beer. | |
| F L I P I T O R: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. | |
| M E N I C I L L I N: Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person...can we get naked now?" | |
| B U Y- A G R A: Injectable stimulant to be taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. | |
| EXTRA STRENGTH BUY-ONE-AL: When combined with Buy-agra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a book by Dr. Laura. | |
| J A C K A S S P I R I N: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, or phone number. | |
| A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers. | |
| S E X C E D R I N: More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome. | |
| R A G A M E T: When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself. | |
| P E P T O B I M B O: Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting. |
