Update for SixofNine

by troubled 5 Replies latest jw friends

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  troubled

  Hi SixofNine,

  Thanks for asking how I am. Yes, I think my depression is getting a little better. I think alot of it is that I've finally been able to admit to myself, to my therapist, and to my one nonjudgmental friend at the Hall that I DO INDEED have some spiritual concerns and doubts. But now that I've accepted that, it's not quite as scary as before.

  For a long time, I couldn't admit or accept that I had doubts, questions, or disagreed with anything the F&DS said. And if I caught myself thinking or feeling that way, I would feel so guilty and disloyal to Jehovah. Like I was a horrible, wicked person if I didn't accept everything that was said from the platform. So it was just too scary to let doubts surface.

  Right at the instant a doubt or uncomfortable feeling would come up, I would catch them and shove them down again, almost before I was even conscious of it. At even the slightest twinge of discomfort or feeling of disagreeing with something, I would tell myself "No I don't. No I don't." But it was all kind of automatic, like when a person drives a car on "autopilot." I didn't even realize I was doing that to myself. But looking back, I can see now that I was twisting my own reality, which eventually just led to my breakdown.

  I didn't just practice denial with JW-related stuff. I did it with everything uncomfortable or negative I felt or thought in my life. I just wanted to think and do good things all the time as much as I could. And not ever think bad or mean things. I never learned as a child how to handle negative emotions, and in the Truth, I thought I shouldn't have any. So I just plain tried not to. I mean, I've always wanted to be a good person.

  I guess this denial was a self-protective thing. Because to admit I had grave spiritual concerns would be too much to handle, and then what would I do? But now that I've worked through some of my other issues in therapy, I seem to be able to accept and focus on the spiritual one now. Just being able to start openly accepting my feelings and thoughts as they come up is a tremendous relief!

  I don't always like what I see in myself, but at least I'm being real now. At least to myself. And my goal is to be able to live and express myself truthfully and honestly with everyone, eventually.

  Even though I still feel alot of guilt, it is less intense than before. I am more able to accept that there's nothing wrong with having questions and wanting to find out answers! It's not that I hate the WTBTS. I still love Jehovah and want to do what's right. I just need to live with my eyes open now. That's all.

  Please don't think I blame the WTBTS for all my depression problems. Much of it had to do with childhood stuff, and my own way of (not) handling negative thoughts and emotions. My tendency to be a people pleaser. My reluctance to see anything bad, etc. All that was ingrained way before I ever became a Witness. But when you combine some of the things I saw happening in the congregation with my own inability to acknowledge and deal with those feelings, eventually everything just kind of erupted. So it was a complicated thing.

  Oh yeah. My doctor also switched me from Zoloft to Effexor. That seems to have lessened my constant guilt over everything. So if my posts seem different, that might be part of the reason!

  Sorry my messages are always so long when I post. I hope this made sense.
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  troubled

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  Seeker

  Thanks for the update, troubled, for many of us wondered how you were doing. You say you don't blame the society for your depression, and I understand your reasons. As a former elder, and one who had to help depressed brothers and sisters in the Hall, I've thought a lot about the very things you put in your message. How the organization is set up in such a way that if a persons suffers from depression, it is hard to get the needed help. We are told that we are the "happiest people on earth" and that "joy is a fruitage of the spirit." We are also told not to have doubts. So when we begin to have questions or doubts, we do what you did: almost subconsciously bury these thoughts immediately. That, of course, doesn't help, and does hurt the situation. It just makes it worse and sets up a vicious cycle whereby more doubts surface, only to be forced back down, and the depression getting ever stronger as a result. It's a low-grade thing that I saw in many Witnesses over the years.

  Is the Society to blame for depression? No, depression has many causes. But if you re-read your own words in this thread, you'll see that they are to blame for instituting a system that perpetuates depression, and a system that prevents a person from getting to the heart of their feelings. Covering up problems never makes them go away. The Society explicitly encourages us to cover up our emotional problems, and that's not healthy.

  I'm glad you are beginning to get the help you need. It will make a world of difference in your life, and I wish you the best.
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  SixofNine

  Thank you Troubled. Heh, this may have been a trick, I was never good at putting down my feelings and thoughts to paper, so I tricked you into doing it for me.

  I never went into therapy, so therefore never tried the drugs. I have used St. Johns Wort for several years. When I was at my lowest, if I got off of it for a week or two, I came to realize that I had better get back on it. Who knows for sure, but it seemed to have subtle yet life-saving effects on me.

  Now, I feel as if I could go off of it easily, but I am a bit afraid to. Even so, the dramatic effect that looking at things honestly, and seeing that the problems in my religion were valid, and therefore my guilt was horribly misplaced, is what got me completely out of depression. If you feel pretty good now, it may seem impossible, but it can get soooo much better. You'll know it when you look back at what you just wrote today, and say "what the heck was I feeling guilty about?".

  And that, my friend, has had the BIGGEST effect. I'm so happy I can barely stand myself. Guilt is such a worthless emotion, I'm beginning to believe. Honestly, I'm a nice guy. You're a nice girl. Believe in that. I really want what is best for this earth, this humanity. You do to. How can anyone be better than that? You have moments of selfishness? Name some nobel prize winner that didn't.

  And while you're at it, name some religionist in or out of the WTBTS that you are truly confident is a good, caring, unselfish person. I'll bet it is a short list.

  I'm very glad you are feeling better. That low place is not one I would wish on my worst enemy.
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  troubled

  Thank you, SixofNine and Seeker, so much for your responses.
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  larc

  Dear Troubled,

  I noticed that you apologized for making a long post. I think this is an example of your over sensitivity in judging your own behavior. First of all, your posts are very well written and heart warming. By writing in such detail and clarity, you may be helping scores of troubled lurkers in becoming stronger themselves. It seems to me that after you have written a long post and proofed it, you should think to yourself. "Wow, that is good writing. I am proud of my contribution." I know this is a foreign way of thinking for you, but I think it is a valid way to think.

  I don't know if you have read it, but the thread "10 nutty beliefs" started by Tina, might be useful for you to read. If you do read it, I would be most interested in your thoughts on the subject. Why? Because I value your ideas.