> All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort
> to make the in-flight
> safety lecture" and announcements a bit more
> entertaining. Here are some
> real examples that have been heard or reported:
>
>
>
> 1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no
> assigned seating, you just
> sit where you want) passengers were apparently
> having a hard time choosing,
> when a flight attendant announced, "People, people
> we're not picking out
> furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
>
>
>
> 2. On a Continental Flight with a very
> "senior" flight
> attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and
> gentlemen, we've reached
> cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin
> lights. This is for
> your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your
> flight attendants."
>
>
>
> 3. On landing, the stewardess said,
> "Please be sure to take
> all of your belongings. If you're going to leave
> anything, please make sure
> it's something we'd like to have.
>
>
>
> 4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your
> lover, but there are
> only 4 ways out of this airplane"
>
>
>
> 5. "Thank you for flying Delta
> Business Express. We hope you
> enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed
> taking you for a ride."
>
>
>
> 6. As the plane landed and was coming
> to a stop at Ronald
> Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
> "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
>
>
>
> 7. After a particularly rough landing
> during thunderstorms in
> Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight
> announced, "Please take
> care when opening the overhead compartments because,
> after a landing like
> that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
>
>
>
> 8. From a Southwest Airlines
> employee: "Welcome aboard
> Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat
> belt, insert the metal
> tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just
> like every other seat
> belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you
> probably shouldn't be
> out in public unsupervised."
>
>
>
> 9. "In the event of a sudden loss of
> cabin pressure, masks
> will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab
> the mask, and pull it
> over your face. If you have a small child traveling
> with you, secure your
> mask before assisting with theirs. If you are
> traveling with more than one
> small child, pick your favorite."
>
>
>
> 10. "Weather at our destination is 50
> degrees with some
> broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed
> before we arrive. Thank you,
> and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more
> than Southwest Airlines.
>
>
>
>
> 11. "Your seat cushions can be used
> for flotation; and, in
> the event of an emergency water landing, please
> paddle to shore and take
> them with our compliments."
>
>
>
> 12. "As you exit the plane, make sure
> to gather all of your
> belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed
> evenly among the flight
> attendants. But please do not leave children or
> spouses."
>
>
>
> 13. And from the pilot during his
> welcome message: "Delta
> Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight
> attendants in the
> industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this
> flight!"
>
>
>
> 14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just
> after a very hard
> landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came
> on the intercom and
> said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all
> are thinking. I'm here
> to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't
> the pilot's fault, it
> wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the
> asphalt."
>
>
>
> 15. Overheard on an American Airlines
> flight into Amarillo,
> Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During
> the final approach, the
> Captain was really having to fight it. After an
> extremely hard landing, the
> Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
> welcome to Amarillo. Please
> remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened
> while the Captain taxis
> what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
>
>
>
> 16. Another flight attendant's
> comment on a less than perfect
> landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as
> Captain Kangaroo bounces us
> to the terminal."
>
>
>
> 17. An airline pilot wrote that on
> this particular flight he
> had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.
> The airline had a policy
> which required the first officer to stand at the
> door while the Passengers
> exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying
> our airline." He said that
> in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time
> looking the passengers
>
> in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
> comment. Finally
> everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady
> walking with a cane.
> She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a
> question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said
> the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said,
> "Did we land, or were we
> shot down?"
>
>
>
> 18. After a real crusher of a landing
> in Phoenix, the
> attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
> please remain in your seats
> until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the
> aircraft to a screeching
> halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has
> cleared and the warning
> bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can
> pick your way through
> the wreckage to the terminal."
>
>
>
> 19. Part of a flight attendant's
> arrival announcement: "We'd
> like to thank you folks for flying with us today.
> And, the next time you get
> the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in
> a pressurized metal tube
> we hope you'll think of US Airways."
>
>
>
> 20. Heard on a Southwest Airline
> flight. "Ladies and
> gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section
> on this airplane is on
> the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke
> 'em."
>
>
>
> 21. A plane was taking off from
> Kennedy Airport. After it
> reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain
> made an announcement
> over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is
> your captain speaking.
> Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York
> to Los Angeles. The
> weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have
> a smooth and uneventful
> flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"
> Silence followed, and after a
> few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom
> and said, "Ladies and
>
> Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier.
> While I was talking to you
> the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of
> hot coffee in my lap.
> You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger
> in Coach yelled, "That's
> nothing. You should see the back of mine.
: