Warning: though this is very long if you read as much as you can it may lead to some interesting conversation.
Seriously, in my battle with good and evil in my life I have come to the conclusion that I am not meant to "know God" and that I was possessed sometime in my early life(ok not Exorcist possessed but just possessed meaning "I'm not meant to get it/cut off from God")EXAMPLES (yes, I realize these are only fictional portrayls but they show what I mean):
1) There is an older movie called THE RAPTURE. It stars David Duchovny(pre X-Files days)& Mimi Rogers(an occasional X-File charachter) Anyhow she's the main character and it's about this:
An audacious film about faith, The Rapture is a contemporary fantasy that keeps its feet unnervingly planted in reality even as reality starts to collapse. Mimi Rogers, in a strikingly accomplished performance, stars as Sharon, a telephone operator who spends her off-hours engaging in casual group sex to blot out her boredom. By chance, she becomes aware of a small Christian sect whose members believe that they have found a child with the gift of prophecy who has seen the upcoming end times. Slowly but steadily, Sharon finds herself drawn to this group, and one night she abruptly turns a corner, renounces her old life, and embraces fundamentalism with passion. She marries one of her former lovers, Randy (David Duchovny), who takes up Sharon's evangelical fervor to atone for his past as a hired killer, and they have a daughter. All seems peaceful until Randy is unexpectedly murdered, and Sharon takes her child to the desert to await the rapture that will bring the chosen to heaven. The film neither supports nor scoffs at Sharon's views, and the superb performances add immeasurably to a film that presents the unbelievable (and unthinkable) at face value, making it seem oddly plausible in the process. Michael Tolkin has also written and/or directed such films as The Player (1992), directed by Robert Altman, and The New Age (1994), both of which also skewer contemporary American society as shallow, materialistic, and desperate for something authentic to believe in. ~ Mark Deming, All Movie Guide < http://www.blockbuster.com/img/var/spacer.gif>;
In the end Sharon loses. Despite her newfound faith she did not measure up and ends up in her own hell. I'm convinced I am like Sharon. The reason I am so drawn to this movie is because at first Sharon just doesn't get it. All these people are seeing this vision and believe it with all their hearts and it just won't come to her. I've felt like that my whole life. I've asked so many times why can't I just believe????
2) The Stand(which I'm sure all you Stephen King fans know this one) which also includes a charachter of this nature: Destined/Chosen to go to hell even though she's was not a bad person by nature.
. . gripping epic of good versus evil chronicles the episodic adventures of a disparate group of people who struggle to reestablish civilization after a man-made catastrophe wipes out most of the world's population. The world abruptly ends when a deadly virus accidentally escapes from a government sponsored biological warfare laboratory. Soon people are dropping like flies from the plague, but a few survive and find themselves strangely compelled to head into the West. Good-hearted people follow the voice of an ancient black woman and head for Boulder, Colorado. Bad people follow the enigmatic Walkin' Dude to Las Vegas. It is only a matter of time before the two sides are forced into a climactic battle over the final fate of humanity. ~ Sandra Brennan, All Movie Guide
The charachter in this story named Nadine is chosen at an earlier time in her life by the Walkin Dude to be his bride. She hence, remained a virgin for him until he would come for her. Even though she loved a "good guy" she finally gave in to the Walkin Dude who got her pregnant & she ended up killing herself and she knew she was on her way to hell. The thing that I thought stunk for her was that she didn't seem to have alot of choice in the matter. She was not bad yet she was just not chosen to be one of the "good guys".
Surely there are other people on this board who have struggled with this and if so inquiring mind wants to know. . . .
The unexamined life is not worth living