happy on the outside, crappy on the inside

lost_sheep

I'm tired of putting on a happy face for all the drones. I'm sure everyone that's been a part of the borganization can relate to this. I had what would have been a great weekend were i still oblivious to the truth about the truth. Hung out with some dub friends, went out in service with my closest friend from our congregation, had a nice dinner with some other dub friends. It was still an enjoyable weekend, i just felt so... fake, out of place. It's so hard to keep up appearances sometimes... i wanted to tell all of them how we've been duped, show them scriptures that disprove so much of the crap that we've been taught... it saddens me so much. I wish i could save them all from the life of mediocrity & carrot-chasing. I feel so freaking lost sometimes.

I really don't know if i'll ever be able to make a break from the WTS, i just can't realistically see that happening any time soon. I suppose time will tell. Maybe the WT will crumble before i have to make that decision. :-/

I may be physically in, but at least my mind is free. How many people even think freely in this organization? I'm thankful i can.

Just needed to vent for a bit. I feel i'm actually coping pretty well. I'm just up late thinking & it all came crashing down on me.

How do those of you still in cope with day-to-day life? How hard do you try to make others think everything is just peachy?

By the way, how was everyone's weekend? Hope you all had a great one. :-)

greendawn

I don't know what your personal circumstances are in the WTS but you seem to be getting tired of identifying with something that you don't feel is genuine. If you can move out you should do so even with a fading away if necessary.

Lehtiveli

I had similar experiences as you had, when I was still active JW. I really really hope you get power to flee from organization because your own happiness is more important than all your "friends" who are not even real friends, because they disappear if you are not JW.

At least, try to get some friends outside of organization, then you don't have to be "fake" all the time.

ballistic

Hi lost_sheep. There's quite a few people in your situation on this board. Personally, I don't know how you do it, as I'm sure I would crack up. But I wish you all the best in this journey.

jwfacts

You are going through what many of us went through, it put on apperances for 10 years, each one progressively more frustrating than the one before.

The only way to get past it is to build up new friends outside the org. As they take up more of your time you will fade away without even knowing it, and eventually will not even miss it.

Black Sheep

Hi Lost Sheep,

Maybe the WT will crumble before i have to make that decision

Unfortunately, Armaggedon looks more likely than that

The best advice I have seen is to start making some friends outside the Org before you make your break.

I have made some very good friends outside the Org and I have great times with them too. Better times than I ever have with JW friends and family.

I have never been baptised, so I still get the odd invite to JW outings, with my JW wife, which can be fun, but they are very stilted and far less frequent than my outings with my 'heathen' mates.

I still put on my happy face when with JWs, but it gets a bit tough when part of the 'outing' includes some newbie mum treating her kids with lollies for getting the answer 'correct' when they are asked "Who is the Great Teacher?". I want to jump up and say, "The Watchtower!" and rattle of some WT quotes so that the kids get a chance to understand that their parents are in a cult, but I would do that at risk of losing my family.

It doesn't matter if you you are a JW or an Ex-JW or born in non-JW (me), if you want to stay sweet with your family, you have to walk a tightrope and keep the happy face on.

I wish I was free to speak up like Johnny cip and Danny Haszard.

Cheers

Chris

Van Gogh

lost_sheep,
We all have our own crosses to bear and all have to walk our very own – often lonely – walk. IMO, the truth of the matter is that very few friendships are to a large extent unconditional. When you walk away or spill the beans, you are sure to lose the kind of JW friends you mentioned. Likewise, though admittedly to a lesser degree, many non-JW friends might also turn away were you to BECOME a JW.
I would caution you to tell them the “truth about the truth” and try to “convert” them. It doesn’t always work that way. My exit has been sudden and I spoke rashly, only to regret it. Most of my friends are like-minded, those still in or already out, but I lost one valuable friendship, shaking me up badly.
Don’t risk shaking up your foundations until you are ready, to risk being left out in the cold. Try to understand them for a while longer and respect their progress on their path. You were there once too. Ultimately, we all are in some sort of a matrix.
IMO, some great advice has been given to you just now:
“At least, try to get some friends outside of organization, then you don't have to be "fake" all the time.”
“The only way to get past it is to build up new friends outside the org. As they take up more of your time you will fade away without even knowing it, and eventually will not even miss it.”
You obviously need to go at one time. This much is clear from your post. The ability to “see” can be heavy burden. But if you are not mentally strong enough to face the abyss, make a well-planned exit by building bridges.
VG

cyberdyne systems 101

I too can't imagine what it would be like to live in a place you no longer belong or even want to be, but only you can be the one to make the move. I wish i could say the sooner you do it the sooner you will be moving on in your life, and this life is all we have so dont waste another day etc...But only you know when you are ready, its not for me to say what you should do, and i can certainly empathise with you.

I think like most of us the need to leave will become stronger than the need to stay. I also think the advice to prepare your way, with new friends and so on is excellent, how different things could have been for many of us if we had of made such preparations. I would have to say though despite the pain of losing everything you knew and having to rebuild, there is so much satisfaction from leaving the WTS, and I garantee you'll be saying to yourself 'I wish i'd done this earlier'

All the best

CS 101

serendipity

Hi lost sheep, the less you 'fake' it, the better you'll feel. And if you haven't already, you might try journalling. Just spend 20 minutes a day writing down your thoughts, unedited and honest. Then hide the journal. It really helps.

seawolf

I can sympathize since I was living what I knew was a lie for awhile at the hall. Going there and in service and singing these songs and all of that all the while knowing it's all a waste of time. It all eventually started wearing me down mentally. I thought I was going to crack. Eventually I said enough and just stopped going and I feel muchhh better now. :) I wish you the best.

happy on the outside, crappy on the inside

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