After a few weeks of being very angry with everybody, making an ass of myself, and being rotten company, a few people told me to start sorting this hurt and anger out, and an effective way is to direct it to the people who caused it - the people who shun me. So I might send them this, or some version of this, in a while. In October we're going to the other side of the country where they all live, to see my darling Nan and maybe close things with the witnesses for good. I might deliver it then.
There are things I'm not sure I'll say. I don't know how much detail to give them about how much they've hurt me; it's good to express it, but they'll most likely just be glad that it's hurt me, as that's the whole point. Also, I'm not sure about giving them an anti-witness; a s they consider themselves happy with it they should be left alone. If I was, say, their counsellor, I'd be trying to help them with their emotions, not with their beliefs. It's not my place to change somebody's beliefs. It's selfish, even, to rock their world just because I want them out. Still, they're wasting their lives. Still, who are we to say they're wasting it? Aren't we just being as needy as them when we go out on our preach; 'Hey, believe this is wrong too, that will make me feel better'. So I'm not sure yet, if I'll do the anti-witness. The healthiest thing to do would be to put every rotten emotion they've caused me into a letter I'll never send. I dunno yet. Anyway here it is... settling in
Hi, it's time to check in - Mum said she needed to know where my head's at so that she can move on, and everybody tells me to write about my hurt and frustration for the same reason, so I'm doing that.
Now that I'm with Mr F I can't even describe how fantastic life is, and it gets better every day. We're making our plans happen and loving life... I've even gone back to study and have gotten off antidepressants. When I was a witness I was deeply depressed and making plans to end my life, and found that applying solutions elders gave me didn't help. All that I could see happening in life was many years of solitude and mediocrity. I'd always feared what life would be like outside the safety glass; but it's just brilliant. So that's how I know we're going to do really well.
Sorry if you're hurting. I'd be worried if you think it's because of me and that I did that on purpose. It's sad that I'd have to be something I'm not in order to stay in touch with family, but I'm not going to apologise for being me. M
y choices don't prevent me from contacting you, but yours restrict your freedom in ways you don't realise, like choosing what to learn, where and how, and who to have in your life and love. Your choice to cut off family isn't something that I can control or am responsible for. The hurt you're feeling is self-imposed; it's you who shun me, and if that makes you think about whether what you're doing is right, you should be happy that that's the biggest challenge that your faith will ever face. So while I'm sorry for being the one who introduced this mess to the family, it's not my fault that you ignore the hurt inside you, and the quiet voice that questions your choices.
It's not true that cutting off contact with the disfellowshipped is a loving way of showing them the seriousness of what they've done, and encouraging them to return. At our wedding, I thought my siblings and friends would be brave enough to, say, lift a thumb to send me an sms. When nobody made contact I was so deeply hurt and finally realised that love that's stifled by indoctrination isn't real. We had a gorgeous day, and you didn't even tip your hat. Every day since has been pure gold and you don't want to hear about it.
I don't want conditional love; it means nothing if we have to earn it by affirming your faith. I couldn't have been treated in a worse way; you couldn't have hurt me any more deeply, you can't insult Mr F. and his family any better, and there's no better way to discourage me from returning. Disfellowshipping is brutal and loveless, it operates with no natural compassion or mercy, and the only people who don't see that are witnesses.
When I last talked with mum about it
I realised that I was only trying for reinstatement to heal the family and make everybody happy. I don't want to keep pretending that I believe it's the truth just to keep the family together. I've done the research and study and prayer that I needed to do to be reinstated, and the only conclusion I could make from it was what I'd always feared.
I can't make myself believe it, and can no longer force myself to accept it in the hope that I would one day believe it, and even if I wanted to go back to pretending to be a believer to heal the family, I couldn't get away with it because I'm no good at it. It would be impossible to convince the six elders on a judicial committee that I believe that the governing body are god's representatives, that he's going to destroy anybody who doesn't follow it and their children, and that the people left over are the only ones I'd like to spend forever with. There isn't any point wasting their or my time trying, as they won't reinstate me.
Anyway we can get over it - we haven't been a regular happy family since we were all kids - none of us have really taken an everyday living interest in each other for a long time. What I grieve is really only the family we should have been but never were, and the love that we were supposed to have but was shunted by the real love of our lives; worship of the organisation. We had everything else going for us; we're all bright and creative, we didn't have to deal with anybody's addictions, violence, or abuse... but our relationships were always under strict controls, and our affection for each other was muted by the terms imposed by the organisation. We didn't have a chance.
D on't live your life in a way that makes you wonder what could have been if you'd pursued your talents and found your potential. Make long-term plans for life in this system, because we're all going to grow old, and one day we'll no longer be alive, and the planet will keep on turning without us for a long time afterwards. A
ttached is the info that has convinced me that JWs don't have the truth. If you can't refute it, ask yourself how much more of your life you are willing to sacrifice.
I know this letter means you never want to hear from me again which is why it was a long time coming. Always remember that you can contact me any time you ever want to say anything at all, and that's forever. I know that you're not really in control of your own beliefs and decisions and I've already forgiven you. That means nothing now; actually it probably sounds conceited. But in time it might; when this system is still going, and y our dreams of paradise get more compelling as you get older, and every time you're in difficulty you tell yourself that it must be the truth or otherwise you wouldn't have to face this persecution, and at the worst of times you stick with it convinced there's nothing else out there, needing to belong to something in spite of how wrong it feels. After a lifetime of that you might wonder if you did the right thing, cutting off your sister and daughter. I'll always be very happy to hear from you. You'd have to apologise for your appalling treatment of Mr F and I, but we'll be able to work it out.
Love always edited to remove name ~ Scully