Would you like to share with us some of your favourite jokes or stories or personal humourous experiences?
Your favourite humour
by greendawn 9 Replies latest jw friends
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ballistic
MEN OF THE CLOTH
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi, all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Several days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast, and traction, with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
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Legolas
This Newfie is going icefishing. He starts to drill a hole with
his auger when a loud booming voice says "THERE'S NO FISH DOWN THERE!"
So he stops drilling and moves a little ways and starts to drill again.
The same voice booms "THERE'S NO FISH DOWN THERE!".
So he moves a little further and is about to drill again, but the voice
immediately comes again "THERE"S NO FISH THERE EITHER!".
The Newf looks around and says "Who are you anyways? God?"
"NO I'M THE ARENA MANAGER!" -
Legolas
Two newfies, George and Frank, are getting tired of Newfoundland
and start to think about moving out West for a better life.
George is all for it but Frank is a little skeptical.
George says,"Frank bye, the work is plentiful, lotsa tings ta do and
it'll be a good change fer us, "Frank replies,"I know Garge but what about the Atlantic?" Won't you miss the fishin, and smell of the salt water in the mornin'? "George agrees, but offers an Idea,"Well Frank, why don't you take your fishin'dory witch a and when ever ya starts to miss da rock ya can hop in your dory and fantasize about St.Johns"
Well that's all it took to convince Frank, and they strap the dory to the roof of the truck and off they go. Well it's been 4 days driving and Frank is really missing Newfoundland, so George stops the truck in the middle of the prairies and says, "Look out at dose flat wheat fields Frank, doesn't dat remind you of the ocean, the way the wind is blowin' through the grain?"
Frank replies, "Lard tunderin Jasus Garge yer right!" They unhook the
dory and haul it out to the middle of the field, sit back, relax and
start rowing. Well it just happens that, at the same time
another Newfie is on his way back from Alberta and spots the plates
on their truck and then notices the two of them out on the field
rowing away.
Well the new arrival gets so angry he stops his truck, hops out and
begins to scream at them.
"No wonder the whole country tinks we're stupid, look at you two
fools out there rowin 'Jasus, if I could swim I'd come out there and kick yer arses!!!!!" -
KW13
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had
>> >> saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it
>> >> came to his money.
>> >>
>> >> Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I
>> >> die, I want you to take all my money and put it in
>> >> the casket with me.
>> >>
>> >> I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
>> >> And so he got his wife to promise him with all of
>> >> her heart that when he died, she would put all of
>> >> the money in the casket with him.
>> >>
>> >> Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket,
>> >> his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend
>> >> was sitting next to her. When they finished the
>> >> ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to
>> >> close the casket, the wife said,
>> >>
>> >> "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her, she
>> >> came over with the box and put it in the casket.
>> >>
>> >> Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and
>> >> they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I
>> >> know you weren't fool enough to put all that money
>> >> in there with your husband."
>> >>
>> >> The loyal wife replied," Listen, I'm a Christian, I
>> >> can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was
>> >> going to put that money in that casket with him."
>> >> "You mean to tell me you put that money in the
>> >> casket with him!!!!?"
>> >>
>> >> "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together,
>> >> put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he
>> >> can cash it, he can spend it."-----------------------------
A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road was
>deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours.
>Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died,
>leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total isolation. He popped
>the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it
>going again.
>Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was
>look at the engine and feel despondent.
>As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he
>cursed that he had not put in new batteries.
>Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel
>pump."
>The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood.
>"Who said that?" he called out.
>There were two horses, a white one and a black one, standing in the fenced
>field alongside the road. The man was amazed when the white horse repeated,
>"It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight and try it again."
>Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key
>and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to
>the horse and screeched away.
>When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar.
>"Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said.
>A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked,
>"What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost."
>"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the
>rancher.
>The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you
>say?
>Was it by any chance a white horse?"
>The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?"
>"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because
>that black horse don't know S*T about cars" -
Gregor
A woman is startled when her husband walks into the room with a large duck under his arm. He says "Can you believe it? I've been fucking this pig". She says "That's not a pig you idiot, it's a duck!"
He says "I know that. I'm talking to the duck"
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arwen
A horse walked into a bar and the bartender said "why the long face?"
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rekless
Poon-Tang makes you see God. Beer makes you see the porcelain God. Winner: Poon-Tang If you think all day about your next Poon-Tang you are normal. If you think all day about your next Beer you are an alcoholic. Winner: Poon-Tang Peeling labels off of Beers is fun. Peeling panties off of Poon-Tang is more fun. Winner: Poon-Tang Snagging Beer at work gets you fired. Snagging Poon-Tang at work gets you charged with sexual harassment. Winner: None
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Gregor
A man is in a shopping center where is to meet his buddy. He sticks his head in the door of the crowded barber shop.
"Bob Peters in here?"
"No sir, we just give haircuts" says the barber.
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greendawn
The doctor says to the patient: you will take two pills per day and after two weeks you should be cured of your complaint".
The patient thinks why should I take two a day and get cured after two weeks, I will take all 28 pills at one go to get cured right away. And so he took them all and died.