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New Element Found
The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of
a new chemical element. A major research institution has recently
announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element has been named *Governmentium*. Governmentium (Gv) has
one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198
assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which
are surrounded by vast quantities of leptonlike particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be
detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into
contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that
would normally take less than a second, to take more than four days to
complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years. It does not decay, but
instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant
neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's
mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will
cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to
believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical
concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When
catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium - an
element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it
has half as many peons but twice as many morons."