The labor of delayed gratification

coolhandluke

The goal of a soldier is to properly serve his master until the date of his service has ended. That date may be the end of war, the end of his promised time of servitude or his death. It is no different in Theocratic Warfare. We are promised that soon the date will come when all problems big and small will be solved. I ached for that date, not for the reward for myself but for all those around me. I just wanted it to come so desperately.
In times of war a soldier only needs the very basics. He will eat whatever he must, sleep wherever there is relative quiet or where there exist some semblance of safety. Most importantly he will fight until he is hamburger. This is what a soldier does. Some do it for feelings of higher good, others for the G.I. bill, still others for their patriotism, or maybe even to fulfill a family tradition. These are the same reasons we served the organization … mother.
The repercussions of living this life so long is an institutionalized nature. For so long things like credit or home ownership or what car I drove or my clothing choices or dating a woman just didn’t matter to me. Now I am out and struggling to pulling out all of this old programming. My problem is that when I identify root beliefs that are flawed the actions that these beliefs spawn have their tendrils parsed out among most facets of my life. Clearing them out is for lack of a word with greater gravity, difficult.
Of these problems are laziness, an inability to recognize how quickly time passes and a host of things which I have only recently been able to tag and identify. This is not a weep fest. This is my acknowledgment of something that I hope is a problem that has been faced before me. If it is then my hope is that it has been dealt with successfully. That hope will help sustain my effort to be the man that I want to be. Thoughts?

Crumpet

The repercussions of living this life so long is an institutionalized nature.

For me the repercussions are so extensive - I have to pick the most disruptive and just work on them and others I have embraced for so long that I have chosen not to shake them off.

I defer to those who have been mentally disentangled longer and can advise you.

However - decide what you really want out of life - what do you imagine as making you the happiest and then choose the route to it? Just settign out on the journey is a start and who knows what diverse paths will evolve along the way with opportunities you haven;t yet envisaged which may bring you happiness and fulfillment.

MegaDude

Luke, Gotta say you summed up my feelings pretty much exactly when I left the JWs, the feelings of the JW True Believer who finds themselves in a confusing environment of not even knowing who they themselves are, much less the world they live in when they leave the mental cage of the Watchtower. I have been out 11 years and still am pulling out old programming occasionally. We're all a work in progress. This isn't limited to the JW experience of course. In time, with awareness, comes wisdom. Clearing out the "tendrils" that you mentioned just takes time. >Of these problems are laziness, an inability to recognize how quickly time passes

Satanus

laziness

My therapist described a condition of learned inability to make decisions, a sort of paralysis. He said to just start making decisions, whether they were right or wrong decisions doesn't matter.

S

serendipity

Hi CHLuke,

I think both Megadude and Satanus are alluding to the need to find the root cause(s) of the "laziness". Once cause that impacted me was perfectionism - I wanted to make the 'best' decision, so I needed to get all the information I could, think about it and then decide. That approach is appropriate for major decisions, but it's overkill on most decisions. So, I didn't even attempt decisions in some areas because of the time involved.

If you are looking for a holistic approach to define your life, I can share what I used in my late 20's that seems to have worked out well for me. PM me if you want details.

Perry

For me, life after the borg was a continuation of the failure to live up to standards. True, they were mine this time and not the WT's, but still I couldn't seem to live the kind of life I desired to no matter what I tried. So, I tried what Paul did and it has been working beautifully for me. One personal success after another punctuated by vicous assaults.

Galatians 2:

19 What actually took place is this: I tried keeping rules and working my head off to please God, and it didn't work. So I quit being a "law man" so that I could be God's man. 20 Christ's life showed me how, and enabled me to do it. I identified myself completely with him. Indeed, I have been crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not "mine," but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

I found out that this whole drama we call life wasn't about me at all. The old life appears all so silly now since some time has passed by.

lowden

Brilliant post Luke!

You're a very eloquent man. You understand why you are where you are and the root causes of why you feel as you feel. This is the lion's share of the battle, where you have been rescued from your spiritual Omaha and Gold. You weren't defeated as many have been. You are not dead in the water as many are, many of our friends and dear ones.

For some, the legacy of a terrible war is recurring thoughts, feelings, fears, visions etc. This may be you and it may be many of us and for some the healing is never total. Some scars of battle will stay for the rest of our lives but they are of use to us and we can learn from them, build better minds from them.

You are not alone in your plight!

Peace

Lowden