Am I being overly critical of my mother? Non-JW topic

by snarf 7 Replies latest jw friends

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  snarf

  My mother and I have never had a very close relationship. She kicked me out of the house when I was 14 to move back in with the guy that molested me for 3 years. I didn't have contact with her for about 3 years after that incident. Then, when I was 17 I ran away from my Dad's home and was tired of living on the streets so I looked her up and found out where she was living and went to see if I could stay with her for a while to get myself straightened out ( she had since left the molester and was remarried). I had gotten into some legal trouble while I was on the streets and my sentence was to go into a rehab center for alcohol and drugs. Well, everytime I got released she would lie to my probabtion officer and tell them I was using ( I wasn't) so I spent the next 2 years in and out of every treatment center and halfway house in my area. While in my last treatment center I got involved with a guy and moved in with him, we eventually got married and had a daughter. When my daughter was born she came and saw me in the hospital, but never came around after I got out saying she didn't like my then husband. I divorced the guy a couple years later and called my mom for emotional support and we talked for a while that night, but I didn't hear from her for a couple weeks so I tried and called and found out that she had up and moved to Texas and that was all my family knew. No one knew where she was for about 8 years. I finally got her number through several internet searches and called her. I have been talking to her for a little over a year now and even went to Texas to see her last summer for a week.

  When I had no contact with her I raised my daughter on my own with no help from anyone. I landed a job that required a 4 year sociology degree with a G.E.D. and job experience, and have since started my own business. I have been pretty succesfull all on my own (in which I am very proud of).My little sis on the other hand is my mother's little princess. She has never lived on her own, she depends on my mom to watch her son while she works or goes to school and doesn't pay any household bills. My little sis is getting married now and moved in with her soon to be husband and now my mom is treating me like total crap. She has called me only a handful of times over the past year and those times were to ask if I could call her back so she didn't run up her phone bill. I couldn't afford to go to Texas for the wedding because I am 6 1/2 months preggo and my doc put travel restrictions on me, but I am having my daughter ride down with family so she can still be in the wedding. Ever since I told them I couldn't make it, they are giving me the silent treatment. I am upset because they can spend 10 grand on her wedding but can't chip in for travel expenses, but yet gripe when I couldn't afford the plane tickets to fly down.

  I guess through my venting I am wondering if I am being overly critical with my mom or if I should just write her out of my life again. I am sick of hearing how wonderful my little sister is and getting criticized for my past mistakes ( which I corrected on my own), and her never meeting me in the middle to have a relationship with me.
• 

  Highlander

  To state the obvious, she had no consideration for you or your feelings when she moved without giving notification and you had to track her down.

  I'd say let her go. It's her turn to make changes, track you down and make efforts at a real relationship. You've done all you can.
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  looking_glass

  I agree w/ Highlander. You take credit and pride in your business and the fact that you pulled yourself up from your own boot straps. You do not need your mother's approval. You may want it, but you do not need it. She you cannot change your mother, you can change how you allow your mother to effect you. You can either say, "this is my mother and this is how she will always be and I can accept that and it does not hurt me" and really mean it. Or you can say to your mother "this is what I expect from you in order to have a health relationship with you" and if she does not work w/i those parameters, then you have to walk away knowing that you tried.

  The up side is that you have a daughter that you can make sure you have a great relationship with and who will never have to deal with what you dealt with.
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  snarf

  Thank you Highlander and Looking Glass, you are right. I have always taken steps to make sure I raised my daughter opposite of how I was raised. A relationship is a two way street and I am sick of feeling like the dog that chases cars down the road. I think I will sit back and wait for her to call this time. If she never does, then I know it is time to move on without her in my life.
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  serendipity

  
  HI snarf,

  You should be very proud of your accomplishments. I don't think your mother can give you any support, so you may have to emotionally distance yourself from her. I do have to ask if your mother has any redeeming qualities as a grandmother to your kid(s)?

  My mother was abusive to me as a child, and hasn't been there for me as an adult. Surprisingly, she turned out to be an ok grandma. My daughter actually likes her. I'm glad I maintained a relationship with my mother, for my daughter's sake.
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  snarf

  Hello Serendipity,

  Actually my daughter is in Texas as we speak staying with my mom for a week and having the time of her life. She has been doing pretty good at the grandma gig since I got in touch with her. They went to the mall and got their nails done and did some shopping today, girl time. I will not do anything to prevent them from having contact, but I will be keeping a close eye on their realtionship, I just don't want my daughter to get hurt.
• 

  Scully

  Where are your boundaries? Why on earth would you allow your daughter to spend time with a woman who treats you with such contempt and disrespect?

  Spending time with grandchildren is not a grandparent's right. It is a privilege contigent upon the grandparent's respect for the father and mother of the grandchildren. If my children's grandparents do not treat me or Mr Scully with respect, they are not allowed to have unsupervised time with my children. As of this writing, there has been no contact between those grandparents and grandchildren for over a year, and since the last visit, I've learned of some other things those grandparents did - without my knowledge or consent - that demonstrate further their disrespect for me and Mr Scully. My children are aware of the reason why they no longer see their grandparents, and although they miss them, they support our decision that people who do show such blatant disrespect for me and their dad do not get access to our children.

  Now to answer your question: Am I being overly critical of my mother?, I would say absolutely not. Your mom obviously has her priorities out of order. A person with her priorities in the right order would NEVER choose to be with a man who molested her daughter. There are some idiotic beliefs perpetuated by molesters that they were "seduced" by their partner's daughters or that the child is responsible for the sexual improprieties. Nothing could be further from the truth: The adult is responsible and accountable for their behaviour, not the child. I don't know if that is what is behind your mother's animosity toward you, but it wouldn't surprise me.

  You would be doing yourself and your children a huge favour to drop your mom like a bad habit. Unless she is willing to fully participate in family therapy and to mend the relationship with you, I would not let her spend time with your daughter or the baby. It seems like your mom has successfully poisoned the rest of the family against you, so why would you allow her the opportunity to do it with your own children?
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  KW13

  if it helps, you sound like a brilliant person to me.