Yahweh and Baal: The True Story

Hopefully good for a laugh, I cooked this up after reading another thread about YHWH being the same person as Baal:
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"They seem to think that you're the Almighty."
"What? They do not, Baal."
"Yahweh, I've been down there. They are convinced that you created the universe singlehandedly."
"Look, okay. I know, but I didn't tell them that. They just... assumed."
"They ASSUMED? You know the protocols. It's a natural assumption for them to make, given the situation. There are specific instructions, right here, on how to prevent Level 5 cognitive singularity waveforms from assuming that their caretaker is the Almighty. Right there in section three. See?"
"I forgot. Look, I had a enlightenment scenario going on, and we were only a few millennia in. I was busy dealing with it, and a couple of things fell through the cracks. I'm going to get around to it, just as soon as I get the chance."
"An enlightenment scenario? That early? I'm afraid to ask."
"Well, you know how the rules are. We're supposed to build in a free-will failsafe. I didn't write the rules, I just have to go by them."
"Heh, some job you're doing so far. Go ahead, what happened?"
"Well, I mean, it was getting towards the end of the design phase and I hadn't figured out where to put the failsafe yet. It has to be something they can reasonably stumble on, so it's not like I can put it in the next star system, or something."
"Right..."
"So I'm up against a deadline, right? And the only thing I can think of is to put it into their food."
"You put the failsafe... into... their FOOD?"
"See, these guys are omnivores, but I started them exclusively eating this plant product I called 'fruit.' There were ALL KINDS of fruit in there, Baal, I mean it was this serious cornucopia of different fruits, all different flavors and textures, I really outdid myself. And I guess I spent so much time making fruit that it was kind of on my mind when I finally had to make a snap decision about the failsafe, and I kind of just... put it into one of the fruits."
"So this fruit, it was on a different planet, though, right? You didn't... Oh no. Yahweh... Don't tell me that it was on the same planet?"
"Listen, I was in a huge hurry!"
"Oh man, Father's gonna flip out if he hears about this. You've been doing this for how long, now? It's not like you haven't been burned by this before."
"Well, anyways, long story short, they got into the fruit and ate it."
"Wait a second. I thought you said a few millenia in. This incident report I just pulled up makes it sound like it was just a few years. Are your exception loggers wonky again?"
"Umm... no, that report is correct."
"How close, exactly, was this fruit to your creational epicenter?"
"I just figured with so many different kinds of fruit, it was like... it would be hidden in plain sight. You know?"
"Let me get this straight. You put the fruit right into the same place where you put your prototypes? And this enlightenment event, it was one of the PROTOTYPES exercising the failsafe?"
"Baal, listen. It isn't like it sounds. I really was going for artistic merit on this one, and it's possible that I might have made the prototypes a bit more... inquisitive than I had originally intended."
"Looking at these stats, your prototypes would probably have found this 'fruit' of yours had they been a quarter as smart as you made them."
"Did you miss the part where I said I was in a huge hurry?"
"So you made two prototypes, and you made them frightfully intelligent, and you put them into a food production center, and you built the failsafe into an EDIBLE, and then you put the failsafe a couple of miles from where they woke up?"
"It sounds so bad when you put it like that..."
"Yahweh, this is new ground. We've never had prototypes exercise the failsafe before. Can you possibly explain to me why these things are still alive? Why, when you got the exception report, you didn't instantly smite them into nonexistence and build them up from formula again?"
"You know how it is. El gets a copy of the report every time that happens, and, well, he was already a bit annoyed with me for the last time this happened. I didn't want to disappoint him again. He gets so upset when I have to take a prototype back to formula."
"So now you have an entire planetful of beings, all of them completely divorced from your will, just running around deciding what to do for themselves, willy-nilly?"
"I'm going to get it back under control! I have some plans. I introduced this religion early on..."
"Religion! This just gets better and better. And that's why they're worshiping you, and think you're the almighty. You know they're only worshiping you for what they can get out of it. These guys have free will; you know how free will works, they don't need to worship anybody at this point."
"I have this theory that free will can be subverted using blind dogmatism. I've always wanted to try this out."
"Dogmatism, is it? Yahweh, Yahweh, Yahweh. It all becomes clear. Look, I'm not gonna be able to let this one go. Do you know why I'm here?"
"I have my suspicions."
"Well, they're probably right. You've never been stupid, just pigheaded. This place you've got going here stinks. It smells, Yahweh. It smells so bad that El smelled it, way up on his throne, and let me tell you, he's pissed. I've never seen him so angry before. He told me in no uncertain terms that I was to come down here, check it out, and if it was what he thought it was, I was to pull the plug on it and send you back to him to answer some questions."
"Baal, listen. I only need, like, a few thousand more years. Seriously, the blink of an eye."
"No can do, brother. Dad's mad, and I'm not gonna cross him."
"I thought you might say that. That's why I got this together, just in case."
"Wha... what do you have there? Stop it! You can't do that, it's against the rules!"
"I whipped this up after I knew things were going south, in case El sent someone. With this baby, you're trapped here, and you can't call Dad to come save you, either."
"You're going to pay for this. I'm going to shut this little thing down myself."
"Yeah? Try, Baal. Just try."
"Clever. You know that El's going to find out about this, one way or another, don't you?"
"Probably, but I'm hoping that this thing works out so well that he'll forget all about my little disobedience and pat me on the head for thinking outside the box. In the meantime, you're going to help me out. I have a role all picked out for you, as an opposing spirit against my righteousness. A slanderer, you might say. Now if you don't mind, I've got this group of critters over here in this desert I'd like you to take charge of. They call themselves Canaanites."
"Forget it, Yahweh! I'm not helping you get worship from these guys! That's sick."
"You are helping me. You don't have any choice."
"Damn it, Yahweh! This is gonna get us both in trouble. I hope you know what you're doing."
"Don't worry, Baal, I've got it all planned out."

Yahweh and Baal: The True Story

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