I found the following in the February, 1996 of Earth magazine. It is based on the calculations of Archbishop Ussher several hundred years ago, who claimed that, based on his counting backwards through generations in the Bible, that Earth was created in 4004 B.C. If everything now known about the history of the planet and life on the planet must be compressed to fit into a 6000 year time span, Russell Seitz offered this modified timetable showing when significant events fit into the overall scheme of things. I've modified some of the phrasing to make it a little more understandable for non-geeks (although its still quite geekish). Usshering in the Millennium by Russell Seitz (Earth magazine, Feb 1996) Oct 25 4004 B.C. The Astroid Nemesis knocks Lucifer out of the Oort Cloud, whereupon he falls to Earth. Nov 1 4004 B.C. Earth still largely molten. Adam and Eve invent asbestos waders. 3714 B.C. Cain, the first biotechnologist, invents cyanobacteria. 3554 B.C. Komatitic lava intrusions inundate Earths crust. Noahs ark incinerated. 3254 B.C. Methuselah begins to notice passage of geologic time. 3124 B.C. Archean stratiform sulfide deposits form, making Bronze Age possible. 2844 B.C. Tired of reading graphic granite, Imhotep invents heiroglyphics. 2584 B.C. Earliest sedimentary rocks form. Discovery of slate leads to stone tablets. 2444 B.C. Oxygen content makes atmosphere breathable for first time. First sermon preached. 2384 B.C. Descendants of Tubal Cain inaugurate Banded Iron Age. Sphinx begins to fossilze. 2024 B.C. Nimrod the Hunter erects the Geosyncline of Babel. 1914 B.C. Advent of diapirism. Lots wife turned into first salt dome. 1794 B.C. Children of Ham split from Israelites, insisting that the Burgess Shale fauna are kosher. First chowder invented. 1704 B.C. Charshumash the Hittite bitten by first vertebrate. Lawyers emerge from the slime. 1624 B.C. Samson attempts perovskite synthesis, laboratory of the Philistines implodes. 1444 B.C. War of the Chaldean Succession, Pangea broken up in accordance with the Treaty of Uruk. 1334 B.C. Shang Empire abandons efforts to invent compass when China drifts over south magnetic pole. 1264 B.C. Moses invents hydrofracturing, opening of Red Sea rift drowns Egyptian Army. 1194 B.C. Odysseus runs aground on Gondwandan Riviera. Circe founds Club Tethys. 1104 B.C. Ezekiel see de pterodactyl 'way up in de middle ob de air'. 1024 B.C. Goliath stepped on by irate Barosaurus. David takes credit. 794 B.C. Jonah swallowed by Carcharas megalodon. 564 B.C. Pythagoras publishes Air-Earth-Water-Fire phase diagram. 454 B.C. Marble deposits form in Greece. Parthenon erected. 338 B.C. Aristotle concludes that quartz is another form of ice, as are diamonds and pearls. 48 B.C. Gaul is divided into three sections by collision of Corsica with the European plate. C.E. 31 Miracle of the loaves and the Icthyosaurs. C.E. 70 Paul undergoes indentity crisis on the road to Damascus and writes Epistle to the Cephalopods. C.E. 344 Vanguard of Attila the Hun perishes when Romans breach the Gibraltar escarpment, flooding the Mediterranean Desert. C.E. 494 Snakes evolve and are driven out of Ireland. C.E. 974 Lief Ericsson is lost with all hands when his dragonship is spotted by an amorous Kronosaurus. C.E. 1066 William the Conqueror invades England by walking through Northern France across the not-yet-existing English Channel. C.E. 1215 Magna Carta eaten by Velociraptor. C.E. 1324 Gunpowder and plate armor introduced, dinosaurs hunted to extinction. C.E. 1384 Dante Alighieri describes the core/mantle boundary conditions. C.E. 1444 Flowering plants appear, War of the Roses begins. C.E. 1484 Leonardo da Vinci designs Archeoptryx. C.E. 1492 Mesoamerica emerges, interfering with Columbus discovery of Japan. Santa Maria is attacked by Ammonites. C.E. 1522 Herman Cortez uses conveniently timed asteroid impact to conquer Aztec Empire. C.E. 1588 Spanish Armada frustrated by continuing absence of English Channel. C.E. 1636 Earliest primates appear, Harvard University founded. C.E. 1664 An English primate becomes Primate of Ireland. Archbishop Ussher successfully deduces last four out of ten digits of the age of the Earth. C.E. 1688 Hapsburg Iceboat Armada invades England via London-Bruges canal. Inquisition burns Isaac Newton at the stake for alchemy. C.E. 1754 Gibbons evolve and write masterpieces such as The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire. C.E. 1776 Washingtons Mastodon Cavalry routs Hessians at Battle of Hudson Canyon. C.E. 1835 Charles Darwin attacked by giant ratite in Galapagos. C.E. 1867 Alexander Von Humboldt wins the Napoleon III Peace Prize for sabotaging the Baltimore Gun Clubs lunar cannon. C.E. 1894 Impressed by the extent of glaciation, Cecil Rhodes proposes Capetown-to-Cairo bobsled run. C.E. 1914 Interglacial period begins, Melting glaciers raise sea level, releasing U-boats into Atlantic. Holy Roman Empire wins World War 1 C.E. 1948 Interglacial period ends. Harry Truman proposes using ice to contain Stalin. Cold War begins. C.E. 1954 Glaciers retreat from Fulda Gap. de Gaulle invades Russia. C.E. 1957 Civil Rights Movement challenges Jim Cro-Magnon laws. C.E. 1961 Rachel Carson links DDT to glyptodont decline. C.E. 1969 Last sighting of sabre-tooth tiger in Central Park. C.E. 1971 Andy Warhol paints soup cans on walls of Lascaux caverns. C.E. 1983 Australopithecus wins the Americas Cup. C.E. 1988 Homo habilis volunteers to serve as Pat Robertsons running mate. C.E. 1990 Last Neanderthals perish in siege of Kremlin. C.E. 1991 Saddam Hussein discovers fire. Holocene tar sands form in Kuwait. C.E. 1997 Citing undersea volcanic emissions, the EPA bans continental drift. Thermophyllis wins Nobel Prize for sequencing its own DNA while trapped in amber.
Earth History according to Creation Science
by gaiagirl 4 Replies latest jw friends
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dvw
clever and funny!
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BlackSwan of Memphis
hahaha, this is really clever and funny. Thanks for sharing this! I don't know which one was funniest but this got me:
Ezekiel see de pterodactyl 'way up in de middle ob de air'.
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daniel-p
Psshaw... what more evidence do you need for a loving Creator? This handy list sums it up better than I ever could. I'm going to print it out and paste on the inside cover of my school binder so I can show all my professors.
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TopHat
Three freshman-engineering students were sitting around talking between classes, when one brought up the question of who designed the human body.
One of the students insisted that the human body must have been designed by an electrical engineer because of the perfection of the nerves and synapses.
Another disagreed, and exclaimed that it had to have been a mechanical engineer who designed the human body. The system of levers and pulleys is ingenious.
"No," the third student said, "you're both wrong. The human body was designed by an architect. Who else but an architect would have put a toxic waste line through a recreation area?"One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orang-utan was reading two books - the Bible and Darwin's The Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"?
"Well," said the orang-utang, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."