I'm in the Jehovah's Witness protection program. I have to go around knocking on people's doors and telling them I'm somebody else.
How to Get an "X" Marked over Your House on the "Territory Map"
- * Every time they say "God," or the ever-popular "Jehovah-God" say "..or Goddess."
- * Go to the Sunday "Public Meeting" at your local Kingdom Hall to share the good news of your religion with them.
- * Ask them if they think Jesus' feelings might be hurt when no-one partakes of the wine and bread at his memorial dinner.
- * Attend the yearly "Memorial" of the Last Supper and actually drink the wine.
- * Tell them you know they mean well, but you believe in a God "of love and forgiveness."
- * Wear the national flag and start talking about how you're "proud to be an American" (or whichever country).
- * Ask them what day the sun was created, since it is at once the source of light, the marker of days, the sun, and a star.
- * Ask them how the "fruits of the spirit" are manifested by current news items regarding JWs (take your pick: protecting pedophiles, exJWs who go postal after being disfellowshipped and shunned, JW murderers and rapists, etc. Check the JW News page for the latest.)
- * Ask them how proud they are that some ultra-right political Christians now share their views on Halloween.
- * Ask them who Cain married.
- * Remark that the rapid blinking of the "new light" might be a health hazard to epileptics.
- * Ask them why the Watch Tower Society is based in New York rather than in any holy city of the bible.
- * Ask them about the reasons for the recent "corporate restructuring" of the Watch Tower Society.
- * Ask them who owns their Kingdom Hall.
- * Ask them to sit quietly and concentrate on their breathing.
- * Ask them if independent thinking is still "against their religion." That is actually a prohibition of the group? "Awake!" indeed!
- When they ask, "Can I talk to you about God?" Reply, "Sure, what would you like to know?"
- Ask them for their address. When they ask why you want it, claim that you want to appear on their doorstop uninvited so that you can peddle your own beliefs.
- For males only: While you're talking with them, start putting on lipstick... and remark that you have a hot date.
- Answer every one of their questions with "What do you mean by that?"
- Tell them you already have your own religion. When they ask what it is, wince a little before confessing, "er, I'm not sure if it's legal in this country."
- A chalk outline of a human body on the pavement, and a few copies of "The Watchtower" scattered around...
- Ask them to explain the story of Elisha and the forty-two children.
- Pretend to be the slowest talking person in the world and see how long their loving-kindness and patience last.
- Say, "I'm sorry, could you come back in a half hour? We're not done with the virgin yet."
- Pick an oft-repeated word in the "approved lexicon" and giggle or say "beep" whenever they utter it. If they ask you what's going on, say "nothing, why?" in very even tones.