Hi..... last night I read a post by stevieb1 entitled "my personal turmoil". I went to sleep thinking about his/her experience and appreciating the insightful responses to it, in particular Neonmadman's. Like he, I found almost instantaneous relief from incapacitating depression when I extricated myself from the stronghold that the borg had on me. The following occurred to me and I wonder if it's an apt comparison.... any feedback is welcome. (Note: coupons for gratitude, dog-watching, car-washing, cookie-giving, etc. given to any who actually wade through the following plethora of verbiage)
Four years ago I met this Superman. He was the most devoted, loving, attentive, romantic miracle. Life went into overdrive. (I was still very much a devoted dub! Intractable depression - from which I suffered for myriad reasons and a miraculous recovery from a suicide attempt - landed me in a locked ward for four months. There was essentially no contact with anyone from the KH, so I became vulnerable for a "takeover"... lol....
So here I am involved with a worldly guy, but there was no going back. He respected all of my "limits" i.e. celebacy, vigorous meeting attendance schedule, etc. He wrote poetry, made the world explode with color, made life feel like a beautiful gift again, pursued me with determination, gave me a taste of unconditional love, and showered me with all of those things girls dream of. There was nothing to df me for, and the admonitions I received from the elders amounted to essentially "you're going against scriptural principles and using poor judgment but you won't be disfellowshipped for marrying him". So I married him.
Almost immediately, things changed. I quickly discovered that no longer was I allowed to have feelings, needs, opinions or dreams unless they served HIS erratic and inconsistent agendas. Life became a puzzle and a weird dance as I became pavlovically conditioned, modifying my behavior as needed so as to avoid setting him off. My excellent therapist quickly pointed out I had married a textbook example of an abuser; my husband truly thrived on the dynamic which essentially required that I sacrifice my individuality and will and any sense of self that squeeked out of the cracks of me. I'm sure his ultimate goal was for me to transform into a blow-up doll.
Wanting to live up to my "vows" and very serious committment, I tried to make it work. Depression and its continual ache again permeated my existence. [Insert long predictable story here] Finally, one night I had to bolt out of the house in the winter in bare feet, a t-shirt and I'll never forget this: zebra-striped panties. A neighbor let me in at 11:30 pm. The next day I got an apartment and hired a team of moving guys (BIG HUGE GUYS!) and a lawyer. Oh - and a computer.......
Last night, I kept making comparisons between my relationship with the abusive spouse with the relationship I had with the borg while an active jw... similarities:
There was an enthralling "courting" experience, intoxicating and irresistable as it provided hope, love, attention, and promise, culminating in a "ceremony"
There was a honeymoon phase, where there was a wonderful taste of "security", belonging, and well-being
A slow, insidious but undetectable-at first pressure begins, wherein choices must be made between "self" and "dicta". Self-sacrifice is joyfully practiced because it feels so good to "give", and there is so much postive reinforcement..... you are not alone like you were before....
The leaps of faith become more difficult as one must make conscious decisions to deny rational and logical thinking to maintain the status quo. Maintaining your vow at the expense of your inner-whatever becomes habitual
Confrontation with flagrant, undeniable evidence that this "lover"- in whom you've invested your whole being - is requiring your obedience at the expense of your sanity is noted, but minimized as you conveniently categorize it as "human imperfection"
The will to fight is slowly eradicated as it is simply easier to get through the day by avoiding conflict. (Conflict: expressing a thought or feeling or need that requires effort on the other party to consider any variation on their current point of view)
The hope that things will return to the initial safe and wonderful state of bliss which felt SO AMAZING in the beginning compells you to dive deeper and deeper into denial of reality, self-denial, self-delusion, self-eradication .... in hopes that this monster you are feeding may miraculously be restored to its initial divine-like state
The ability to think, feel, inquire, need, or exist without confusion and doubt is no longer a concept you are able to grasp
Depression sets in, as your mind sends out warning signals (cognitive dissidence - what a perfect term). Just how this built-in BS detector got into the human mind or how it functions is beyond me; probably a discussion for another day, but I'm glad it's there......
Depression is debilitating, like any illness, requiring help usually from others. If the "others" perceive a threat to their perceived reality - which they will; if you verbalize or produce evidence of inconsistencies- there is a withholding of support if not outright withdrawal of approval
It gets worse and you become empty and become a drone, processing food at the appropriate time, eliminating it at the appropriate time... your inner world seems to cease functioning. You become a "function", and wait for "the end". (When an active jw, I came to believe that in the new system, and only then, THEN I would be able to think, feel, experience security, know where the floor was, etc. Sacrificing a life that made sense in the present was a small price to pay for an eternity of .... um, huh?)
OR, you get out. The clouds slowly lift, the fog dissipates. You slowly learn that those annoying objections and doubts and arguments that plagued you for so long despite your best efforts to squish them weren't so stupid and irrational as you thought. In fact, they make really good sense, and are essential factors in the equation..... HEY... no wonder that pesky equation wouldn't allow itself to get solved..... thank God that you could never find a solution for "x", and did not resort to imaginary numbers to make it work.
Is it completely out of line to draw this comparison? Just like my abusive ex-husband's passionate, thrilling pursuit and resultant captivation of my heart, my "home bible study" experience was enthralling. So many people, so much vision of truth, love, hope... promises of security, peace.... and explanation for why things were so screwed up, and the final ultimate prize of unmitigated joy in a paradise earth. I believed them, and took the vow. Then the promises proved to be only illusions, clever lures and traps.
Like communism in theory: the ideal must be kept thriving. If any individual requires anything of a personal nature that detracts from the daily feeding and pruning and watering and worshiping of the organization, they become a drain. There's tons of rhetoric that promotes encouragement for the needy, but the reality is that affection and truly effective healing support is curiously non-available, even withheld, if the nature of anyone's "need" even remotely exposes weaknesses in the system. It's "god's representative organization on earth"; we MUST thrive, have joy, be stellar examples of soundness of mind, function without difficulty, etc., or it makes god look "bad". Conform or be locked out...
There is probably a way of saying most of this in a few sentances, and figuring out how to do that is on my "to-do" list. I hope some of this helps anyone. It helped me to write it, and if anyone reads it, thank you.
lauralisa, just back from Rodanthe, North Carolina, where we managed to miss out on recent global trauma, and is babbling while trying to manage the shock of it all....
It's only water from a stranger's tear (Peter Gabriel)