APUPI - Sheboygan, WI
Police made a significant breakthrough this week in a perplexing string of murders with the help of forensic science.
For years now police have been befuddled by a series of murders that have followed the same pattern. The victims are all found at their door in a very advanced state of decay with a brochure filled with inane, indecipherable gibberish in their hand.
"At first we focused on the brochures. We brought in experts of cyphertext, encryption, and even dead languages to see if they offered any useful information. They never were able to. In fact, everytime we thought they were getting close they would simply fall asleep out of sheer boredom. We didn't know what to do!", explained Detective Harris.
The breakthrough came when renowned FBI profiler John Douglas came in to review the case. Despite all his experience, he was particularly disturbed by the diseased mind of this cold-blooded killer. The profile he produced is as follows:
Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them
Authoritarian
Secretive
Paranoid
Only rarely in difficulty with the law, but seeks out situations where their tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, condoned, or admired
Conventional appearance
Goal of enslavement of their victim(s)
Exercises despotic control over every aspect of the victim's life
Has an emotional need to justify their crimes and therefore needs their victim's affirmation (respect, gratitude and love)
Ultimate goal is the creation of a willing victim
Incapable of real human attachment to another
Unable to feel remorse or guilt
Extreme narcissism and grandiose sense of purpose
He continued, "This is basically a person with no hope in this life. They don't have any retirement, and most likely hold a menial job. They wear cheap suits, and unpolished soft-soled dress shoes. This person most likely drives a four-door vehicle." Strangely he was unable to determine the gender of this diabolical criminal. He even opened the frightening prospect that this individual might not be working alone. An unnamed source said that there is even evidence that they are bringing their children with them to commit these crimes.
He then went on to recommend a set of forensic tests. These proved to be key. What they revealed was a set of chemicals released in the brain that indicate a torturous level of boredom. Tests on the lungs showed toxic levels of chemicals related to extreme halitosis. These effects combine to produce an extremely slow, painful death, and the emaciated, haunting corpses police have been finding at doorsteps all across town. "I have seen 2000 year old mummies in better shape" explained Detective Harris when he described the horrifying crime scenes.
"So what we have here is some sort of psychopath of the most despicable form, who is going around to the most vulnerable among us. The victims are people who are looking for answers, or maybe just need someone to talk to. Then this heinous killer preys on them. They subject them to a slow, agonizing, and gruesome death that simply cannot be imagined. They literally suck the life out of them" explained John Douglas. "Now that we have a better idea of what we are looking for, we have some hope of catching this killer before they strike again."
"Until then I recommend that if someone you don't know comes to your door unannounced, dressed in a cheap suit, carrying a bag full of brochures, that you do not open that door under any circumstance! Your very life may be at stake!"