Where to begin. I guess things have been coming to a head lately with some other things happening in my life which simply do (or should that be did) not sit well with the indoctrination of the JW's. I was pretty much brought up as a JW. My mum found 'the truth' when I was about 2 years old and myself and 2 sisters were dragged up. In 1989 I was baptised at the Leeds District convention much the the joy of my mum. We moved across the country to just outside of Blackpool and I guess thats where things started to go awry. You think, or taught to think and expect, you will be given a welcome with open arms into a new congregation - sadly that didnt happen at all. It was very difficult to settle, and oddly (or not) being a single parent family was exceptionally difficult in the new congregation with less than 50% of the Brothers and sisters making much of an effort... The first thing that really rocked me i think was being told by my mum that an elder had told her to divorce my father because he wouldnt amount to anything (hes a VP of a very large militart Aircraft Manufacturer!!) We had a close friend in our previous congregation who was appaled when my mum told that to him - from then on that elder was never allowed in the house. Things pottered along, my sister fell in love with the youngest son of the PO. They were furious because she was the daughter of a single parent family who frankly was more interested in a secular career than pioneering. The wedding was awkward, with parents falling out and my sister constantly being told she wasnt good enough. Then I met a wonderful girl. Younger than me - looking back you think jeez what the heck was i doing - when we met she was 15 and I was 21. That was V difficult and to the congregation we were 'just friends'. I remember the weekend of her 17th birthday asking her father for permission to court her... Gods that felt wrong!. Her father was an MS. A well respected Zealous MS. Who was also a bully, a wife beater and frankly a child beater as well. I remember listening to him beating the children with a belt buckle because they were messing around. Eventually I couldnt cope with this and challenged him. I was nieve and weak - the upbringing doesnt teach you how to really be strong, stand up and face things. Essentially I got hauled in front of my PO (who didnt like my family) and was shown how I was totally wrong in the way Id done things. Meanwhile Im told im not welcome in my girlfriends house, her mum went from loving me (she wasnt in the truth either) to being afraid to talk to me, then one day I get a call from this girl "I really love. But i cant stand the stress of being with you that my father puts me under so im finishing with you." The few months running upto that had become silly - he kept trying to tell her to go out with a young pioneer in her congregation - that he would be better for her and for him and he would do better in the congregation than I would - which is what it all boils down to. That destroyed me. I was close to suicide for a while to the point that my parents were actually worried to leave me alone or go away. When they did they arranged for friends to visit me and keep me happy. In the run up to the split I'd worked as hard as I could to make the grade for MS. put in the hours (i hated knocking on doors - never felt right for me) Id towed the line (i used to love Guns N Roses but that got squashed in a stern lecture!!) participated in meetings as much as I could - essentially became the model brother. But because I wasnt in the 'in' crowd - i watched other who shouldnt have been made MS appointed. I remember a dear brother now sadly departed who had put his entire life into the work telling me one day that i wouldnt do well because of my family situation and the situation with my sister and the fued with the PO. Probably in 1991 - 1992 I began to see things as they really were. The organisation was one big joke. A congregation wasnt about what you did but who you were. Be the son of a single parent who isnt interested in pioneering and your nothing. Dont 'hang out' (bottom kiss??) the PO or his 'clique' and your nothing. I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall constantly.... Then I remember our very old dear friend from Yorkshire - At one point he was a PO, he was also (possibly) the Chief architect for the NE of England on the building committee for Bethel. Well respected country wide. His sons went through an unruly stage, he disagreed with a number of other elders descisions and found himself pretty much stripped of Eldership and everything he'd worked for. So i had one guy who was a clear bully, wife beater, child beater and total manipulater who - because he sucked up to the right people was being groomed for Elder, who could rally his allies the moment any accusations where thrown against him and dodge them and another much loved brother who was stripped of everything hed spent 40years working for because his 18+ yr old sons decided to make their own minds up about stuff. I knew that was just an excuse to remove him. I spend about a year staying at home when my mum went to meetings, Feeling guilty. All my friends continued to call, we continued to hang out, go places but it didnt feel right. I remember the elder who told me the truth of the situation inviting me to meet him at a pub. We talked long and hard about how i felt and all he could really offer was "Jehovah will sort it in his own time" Such empty meaningless words. I tried a different congregation for a while but it became the same story. Political maneuvering that would make Bush proud (or Blair ;-)) people sucking up to Brother X because hes flavour of the month and bar one or two people who id known for a long time i was running away from my problems and they didnt like it. Im very bitter about my experience. To see an organisation that was supposed to be the true representative of God turn out to be nothing more than a political wrangling for power, prominence and prestige. It didnt meet what I expected - what I had been taught to believe and expect and knowng in my heart that I wasnt cut out for ministry work which in turn marked me as a hanger on (even though ive turned out to be an incredible public speaker) and meant I would never get anywhere. 23 years of my life wasted. I missed out on being a teenager, I missed out on university because it wasnt the done thing, I still feel guilty about celebrating my birthday, my sons birthday and christmas. I hate the way I had to leave my family and friends and move 300+ miles to a place where I knew hardly anyone to start a life again. I hate the fact that I cried in my mums arms when I told her i had to do it and she knew it was the only way I would recover my sanity. I hate how my niece is ignored by her grandparents because they forced my sister and her husband to leave because of the way they treated them. I hate the fact i lost my first true love. A woman who I would have happily spent as much time as possible with. I hate the way my mum, who has been ill for 20 years has been shunned and ignored and made to feel. And yet, Ive met a wonderful woman, we have been together since 200. We have a great son who I love dearly so in some ways im greatful as well for the courage i got to move away and start again. My partner doesnt know about my past - other than i left because of ghosts of a past relationship. Last night I met with a friend, his partner and two other people and for the first time in what feels like ever I admitted to them what I was before I moved. Tonight Im going to take a print out of this and burn it. In doing so I hope it acts as the break I need to allow me to explore my true spiritual side which has been slowly awakening in the past 12 months. Thanks all for listening. Its long and jumbled. Theres no one thing other than the way people treat you if your not conforming to their expectations, even if it meets the bibles expectations. Since moving to the SE I havent attend nor plan on attending a single meeting. Ive simply faded away....
My Story - Its long and jumbled
by Zed 7 Replies latest jw experiences
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Zed
thats gonna hurt to read. For some reason It simply wont format properly.... Weired
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Gill
Welcome Zed!
Yes! It did hurt to read! Sometimes things don't format well, but never mind.
Reading your story was fascinating! It's amazing when you read about other people's experiences how alike the JW congegations really are the world over. There's a few good ones and rest ....well, just ass kissing idiots looking for prominence and stepping on others to get there.
I'm happy you're free from the Organization now! I hope that now you've written all this you'll be able to begin going forward with your life and let all that JW BS go. Many of us have wasted far more of our lives in the bOrg and now, over time we learn to do that....just let your own past go and start helping others. Live the life you want to live and gradually disentangle the Watchtower's threads.
You really have to stop with the guilt thing over birthdays, christmas etc. The best way I found to do that was to research, research and research both the bOrg, and for the last four years I've been reading prehistory and ancient history. Nothing, I mean nothings cuts the threads of control imposed on your mind by the Watchtower like finding out the truth about history, religion etc.
It takes time to break free but is well worth the effort.
I wish you nothing but mental freedom, knowledge and the happiness that comes from both.
Gill
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fullofdoubtnow
Hi Zed,
Thankyou for sharing your story. As you said, it wasn't easy to read, but well worth the effort.
It's good to be free of that mean little sect isn't it? I can well understand why you still feel guilty over certain things, but rest assured, that will pass. I am so happy that you have found happiness now.
Linda
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penny2
(((Zed))) - Welcome to JWD. I read your whole story and my heart goes out to you. Hope you find lots of healing here.
penny2
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Pioneer Spit...oh, i mean Spirit
It's really not that jumbled. Welcome and thanks for sharing your story!
Thank you for writing about what you've seen and experienced at their hands. Your friends who haven't been in the cult can surprisingly help you to order your feelings and start fresh! Good luck and please contribute often!
Hugs and welcome.
Catfish
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gwyneth
Welcome, Zed, and thank you for taking the time to share your story with us! Looking forward to hearing more from you.
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Abandoned
It was difficult to read and I'm sure I missed a line or two, but I got the most of it and, what's more, it resonated with me inside and out.
Guilt about b-days and christmas? I still feel that way too and I've been out four years. The one thing you're doing smarter than I did, is you're finding a support group. I just kept it all inside and figured I was condemned. GOOD JOB!
Nepotism, favortism, and BLATANT HYPOCRISY? If we weren't so brainwashed, this would have slapped us in the face.
Keep up the good work. OH, and if you want to make your story more readable, edit it by holding your mouse over your post's title and click on the edit menu option. Then, just go through your story, place the mouse cursor at logical breaking points, and hit the enter key twice.