I started yesterday about my mom being a JW and my being so confused about, well, just about everything. Like I said earlier my parents got divorced and then remarried. My dad goes to the meetings sometimes when he is not out gambling or making someone miserable with his hateful demeanor. My parents are NEVER affectionate toward each other but never want to be apart. I believe my mom stays for the money, my dad is very wealthy. My mom has always been in the truth, and when my siblings and I were younger she wanted us to be. She never really taught us anything about it-There was always just this feeling like we SHOULD go and do everything according to them. I celebrate holidays with my family( I am married and have 2 children) and so do my siblings but there is very rarely any joy to it because my mom always uses it as an opp. to tell me I am going to die a horrible death and I will also be responsible for the agonizing, scary death of my children. I am so conflicted in most things e.g. I cannot bring myself to sing happy birthday, I cannot bring myself to sing the National anthem( this was very hard on me esp. in the days after 9/11) at Christmas time my husband is usually upset with me because he says I don't let my kids enjoy the traditional things. I remember one time when I told my child there was no such thing as the tooth fairy he was so angry!! I have so much confusion in my life I just don't know where to turn. I always feel guilt and then it turns into hostility toward my mom and she tells me she and other JW's are used to persecution and then she says it will only get worse. I love my mom so seperating myself from her is not an option but I really feel like I need a better understanding of what is going on in her head. Her family is very involved in this religion and everything they do is pretty much centered around it. My husband has absolutely no understanding of any of this and I can't help him because neither do I. My mom never has a straight answer for me. If I ask her any questions she says let me get someone to answer that for you. And I feel like saying you have based your entire life on this and you don't know the answers!! But I can't because she would shut me out and if I ever told her I was on this site she would say you are all a bunch of apostates and I should not be speaking to you. There are so many nights that I lie awake and think am I endangering my children? Is she right? I have never told her that I don't believe in her beliefs but I have never told her I do either. She always gets angry or cries when we celebrate anything!!! and she is very secretive like she doesn't want anyone to know her business. If something happens she says well I hope so and so doesn't tell everyone. OK enough for now!!! I just need someone to talk to and help me. I feel so conflicted inside and when I tell her that she says it is because I know I am not living right and I need to come to the KH hall with her. I have been and I really don't like it there. See I feel guilty saying that right now! Thanks for taking the time to read this. There is moreso if anyone wants to hear it let me know please!
there is more to my story...
by WANTMOMBACK 9 Replies latest social family
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R6Laser
It must be hard to try and please your mom who is a JW. In my opinion you're old enough now to tell your mother what the things are that you beleive in. I mean you're not mommy's little child anymore, you have a family, kids and so on. It's time to live your life. I don't think she can force you to attend the hall, unless you let her, especially when you're 38 years old and are married with your own family. Unless you live at her house. That stuff were parents usually force their kids to go to the meetings only works when the kids are 18 years or younger.
If your mother is a hardcore jw like mine is, she will never understand the reasons why you don't beleive in the WTS anymore. Best thing is to show her that you love her but you are not going to do what the WTS wants you to do. You have a life with your family and now its their time, not your mother's time.
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jgnat
I love my mom so seperating myself from her is not an option but I really feel like I need a better understanding of what is going on in her head.
You have a narcicisstic mom, much like mine. For your own sanity I suggest you need a mental separation at least. Since my mom moved to another province, it's been much easier to deal with her. She's now more like an occassonal friend than a torment. A friend on this board recently talked about boundaries, which I think is exactly what you need. Face it, if it wasn't the Watchtower, your mom would be loony about something else. The basic problem is that your mom is loony and she thinks you should join her. Here's a few links to get you started.
Even though your parents are not divorcing, their dysfunctional relationship affects all you kids. I like a lot of the tips on this site. http://www.divorceinfo.com/adultchildren.htm
What boundary setting means: http://www.skysite.org/boundaries.html
Handy book lists:
http://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Controlling-Abusive-Birth-Families/lm/R3SF9NN66T2UWY
http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/aconsadultchildrenofnarcissists.msnw
There are so many nights that I lie awake and think am I endangering my children? Is she right?
No. Don't join her crazyness. You can see how that works for her.
I have never told her that I don't believe in her beliefs but I have never told her I do either.
Learn how to say so, and how to refuse to accept her emotional manipulation. See the above links.
She always gets angry or cries when we celebrate anything!
This is tormenting you. You have to find a way to shut her off during celebrations. Perhaps you have grandma-free days marked on the calendar, before and after seasonal holidays. If you can afford it, perhaps you go away someplace nice WITHOUT HER to celebrate.
I feel so conflicted inside and when I tell her that she says it is because I know I am not living right and I need to come to the KH hall with her. I have been and I really don't like it there.
It's like having a loony parent who gives you castor oil every time you complain. After a while, you are gonna say, "Enough with the castor oil! It doesn't work!"
See I feel guilty saying that right now!
I would love to set you free from your transferred guilt. Your mom takes so much energy, I bet you haven't had much time to think about what's really important to you. If she wasn't around, what would you do at birthdays and holidays? Maybe because of your past, you WON'T be able to sing the traditional songs. But perhaps you can make those days special for your children in other ways.
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Abandoned
There are so many nights that I lie awake and think am I endangering my children? Is she right?
Take a closer look at what you said. Do you really think the most powerful being in the universe would need to resort to threatening your kids to convince you that you should worship him?
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anewme
Wantmomback, honey I understand completely your fear of losing/leaving your mother. She represents something to you, a concept, something big, something familiar, something stable or strong, something you feel you lack. You are allowing her to completely dominate your life and intrude on your happiness and her influence over you may very well interfere dangerously in your otherwise happy family life.
The advice of Jgnat is outstanding. Read. Read. Read.
You actually are stronger than you think. You have made quite a few decisions in your life and they speak worlds about what you really feel. Despite your mothers wishes YOU HAVE CHOSEN NOT TO BE A JW
YOU HAVE CHOSEN TO MARRY A NONJW YOU HAVE CHOSEN TO CELEBRATE LIFE WITH YOUR FAMILY
These decisions are based on the fact that you really do not want to live the jw life and do not feel strongly against the holidays and do not feel that nonjws are bad people.
Accept the fact that you do not feel the same way as your mother about these things. You are not persecuting her over her beliefs. It is she who is persecuting you over your beliefs and making you and your sweet family miserable. Why is she doing this? If God himslef allows people to do what they want, why is she making trouble for you all the time and playing with your head?
Do you think maybe you have mistaken her mind control games over you as LOVE?
She is truly out of line in pushing her religion on all of you.
All of us here have family or friends who could do that to us if we allowed them. But we do not allow it.
The control the Watchtower Society exerts over its members makes them desperate to imprison others too.
They are not happy and they want you to not be happy too.
Stick around here and read and read and soon you will grow stronger and you will learn to give voice to your reasons for not wanting to be a jw. They are being tricked and fed a fairy tale of misinterpreted scriptures. They are miserable and sick and tired of waiting for the paradise all of them. They are beaten over and over again at the meetings and told they are not faithful enough if they have doubts it all. They are asked to support their wretched kingdom work but never given anything back in return in the form of help, support, kindness or friendship when they need it.
You should change your name to IWANTMYLIFEBACK because that is what you really should be working at.
Let your mom see how happy you are and she may come back to you.
Welcome to the forum. You are not alone. I was sooooo weak and needy when I came here. This place has helped me so much to grow strong and gain a voice and defend myself and live a happier life.
Best wishes to you,
Anewme -
Emma
It sounds like you're in fear because of the wts's teachings. They do not have the truth. You and your children are not be doomed because you do not follow what they/your mom say. Do some investigating, read this site. You can be free of the fear they impose.
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evita
I can really relate to your story. I left the religion in my 20's. My mom was devastated and so began 20+ years of an extremely difficult relationship with her, We had always been so close and I couldn't imagine life without my mom. She shunned me off and on for over 20 years. In between the shunning we would try to have contact but it usually ended with tears, guilt, and recriminations due to her being a fanatic JW and my anger and hurt over the situation.
Meanwhile, I finished college, got married, and had 3 children. Life went on but there was a hole in my heart that never mended. Eventually we got to the point where we would have lunch once a month or so. It was loving but superficial. I think she was getting older and feeling vulnerable so not inclined to shun me.
Two years ago she died after being ill for 8 weeks. A couple of weeks before she died, she began calling me crying, saying "I'm so sorry" over and over. I was so broken up because she was dying that I couldn't bear to rehash the sadness of the past. I just reassured her that I loved her and was not angry anymore. She died as she lived- devoted to Jehovah and what she believed to be his organization. I know through the years she had some doubts and was treated harshly by the elders because she professed to be of the anointed. But she never wavered in her devoted service.
So here I am coming up on the second anniversary of her death. I am no longer angry, just so sad. What a waste and for what? I lost my beautiful, talented, loving mom to a nutty religion. My kids never really had a chance to know the amazing woman my mom was. We could never feel and show the love that is a natural part of family relationships. I feel this loss every day in the deepest part of me.
And yet, I never regret leaving the witnesses. I have freedom, my life is my own. I do not live in fear, guilt, and servitude to a book publishing company. I have a beautiful family who are free to grow and learn and experience life as it happens.
There are no easy answers but the advice so far is good. There are people here who understand what you're going through and care enough to help. Reading here will help ease the guilt and anxiety and give you good strategies for dealing with your mom. I wish I had this forum when I was going through it with my mom. Maybe your mother will come to see what a strong and loving person you are.
Hugs and welcome to the forum,
Eva -
mellisamouse
Those are some good resources jgnat, thank you.
I think we all have a few people like that in our lives.
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jgnat
I think we all have a few people like that in our lives.
Gosh, I hope not. That would be awful. I like to think that my family has an unusually high proportion of loonies.
In an odd way, the whole concept of boundaries has freed me to include some marginal people in my life. You know, the people with needs so large you're afraid to touch them for fear they will suck you in. By firmly stating my boundaries up-front, I can include them in my life. By and large, they've been very respectful of my time.
Of course, I have to be prepared to cut them off if they forget.
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sass_my_frass
Wow, I really feel for you... they really get to our mums don't they? Keep it together hon