Kingdom of God is Hiring

by moomanchu 5 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  moomanchu

  Help me give a reply to the one that is taunting me.
  I'm tired of getting these stupid e-mails from JW's.

  I was thinking of adding a punch line to each one of the qualifications.

  Help me think of more.
  I'll then send it back for their enjoyment.

  The Kingdom of God is hiring! (I thought the 144,000 was filled by 1935)

  Are you ready to apply? Do you qualify?

  JOB TITLE: Disciples for Christ

  JOB DESCRIPTION: Tell the dying world how to obtain real life through Jesus Christ. (and the WBTS)

  NUMBER OF AVAILABLE POSITIONS: Unlimited; everyone is welcomed--preachers, teachers, singers, musicians, missionaries, custodians, food servers, and numerous others that we just can't list them all here .
  
  EXCEPTION TO AVAILABLE POSITIONS: The vacancy of BOSS has already been filled. (by theF&DS?)

  QUALIFICATIONS: Must excercise faith in the ransom sacrifice, good heart condition and willing to put on the new personality as Jesus taught.

  EXPERIENCE NEEDED: None necessary; experience will be earned through on-the-job training.

  EDUCATION: The Holy Spirit will teach you all things.(What about the Governing Body?)

  BENEFIT PACKAGE/SALARY: Jehovah God, the employer shall supply all your needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus. (Through the bro's and sis's at the KH)

  INSURANCE: Access to the Master Physician.

  PACKAGE ALSO INCLUDES: Love, joy, peace, patience, long suffering, Lawyer, Comforter, and a Wonderful Counselor.

  RECOMPENSE FOR COMPLETING THE JOB ASSIGNMENT: The most important benefit, eternal life.(Final exam at the end of thousand years to determine if you can continue living)

  DEADLINE FOR APPLICATIONS: Before the return of Jesus Christ; date/hour not known; wise to apply today.( before visible presence, invisible presence already happened)

  IMPORTANT WARNING: Satan and HIS DEMONS need not apply
• 

  carla

  I think they stole this and changed it to fit their 'unique' spin on things. I'm sure I have seen something very similar to this before only in a Christian format. (no, I don't consider jw's Christians, but that's another topic)
• 

  fullofdoubtnow

  NUMBER OF AVAILABLE POSITIONS: Unlimited; everyone is welcomed--preachers, teachers, singers, musicians, missionaries, custodians, food servers, child molesters, wife beaters and numerous others that we just can't list them all here

  QUALIFICATIONS: Must excercise faith in the ransom sacrifice, good heart condition and willing to put on the new personality as Jesus taught and be willing to believe every word that comes out of Brooklyn, no matter how bizarre. A big bank balance and a four - door car are also desirable.

  EXPERIENCE NEEDED: None necessary; apart from being good at knocking on doors, and asking for donations, more experience of which will be gained through on-the-job training.

  PACKAGE ALSO INCLUDES: Love bombing false joy, no peace if you step out of line lack of patiencefrom the elders if you don't meet expectatios, long years of suffering five meetings a week , Lawyer , Comforter, gossip. and a Wonderful Counselor

  INSURANCE: Access to the Master Physician.just so long as you don't need a blood transfusion to stay alive

  IMPORTANT WARNING: Satan and HIS DEMONS need not apply as we already have enough evil bastards in our ranks anyway
• 

  5go

  Reply: To whom it may concern. Sorry, I do not need further employment. I work for the competition. It has better pay and immediate benefits.

  Thank you for your offer.
• 

  bebu

  LOL fullofdoubt!!

  NUMBER OF AVAILABLE POSITIONS: Unlimited; everyone is welcomed--preachers, teachers, singers, musicians, missionaries, custodians, food servers, and numerous others that we just can't list them all here . Used car salesmen are especially needed.

  IMPORTANT WARNING: Satan and HIS DEMONS need not apply. This will unnecessarily duplicate current employee records.

  That email sounds like it was all written by a middle-schooler.

  bebu
• 

  evetteto

  GOOD ONE