When your JW family member tells you it would have been so much better if you had just faded instead of DAing yourself. That to them DAing yourself is much worse then DFing yourself. If only you had hung in there and faded they would treat you as family but now it tears at them that they can't talk to you. Then you start thinking about how maybe you should have let the elders reprove you before instead of getting tired of all the BS and writing them that DA letter. Well i'm glad to be out but I'm so tired of my mom repeating this to me "you should have faded". I know theres got to be some other ones here that have gone throught this similar experiance. If you have any advice i will gladly accept. Do I just tell her how I NEVER want to go back again or just lie and play along and hope in 20 years she will speak to me like a normal family member.
What do you do.......
by Heather 7 Replies latest jw experiences
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nonamegiven
what to do, what to do??
I'm kinda in that boat right now. I'm DF'd now, working toward reinstatment so I can fade. It's tough, damn tough! I think it would be so much easier to DA so I can speak my mind about all the things I've learned.
It sounds like she WANTS to talk to you but know's she can't. I would use that as a wedge. I'd sit down with her where there are no distractions but it's private so the emotions can flow. Then I'd start by telling her you wish to tell her the why's and how's of your DA decision. Point out that it's not to change her mind but to let her know that you came to this decision through education and prayer. She has to at least respect that. Then I'd start with things that are very but and dry, like the 1914 prophecy. Maybe throw in something that was difficult for you to understand and how you came to your conclusion so she can see that you didn't just get tired of the meetings and left.
At the end, ask her if she can still love and respect you for your or despite your decisions. She will surely say yes. Then I would ask her if you can still maintain that mother/offspring relationship and just never discuss religion. That will set her mind at ease that you are not there to break down her faith and are not a threat. I can't see any mom refusing that.
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Madame Quixote
Heather - I wish I had an answer to this, other than to say that "what's done is done" and your personal integrity matters more to you than it does to your mom, apparently. She is still talking to you, afterall, although perhaps not about things you'd like to talk about.
You asked:"Do I just tell her how I NEVER want to go back again or just lie and play along and hope in 20 years she will speak to me like a normal family member. "
I've been waiting over 25 years for that to happen since my d'f'ing at 15, and no such thing's happened, although my family, esp. my mom, bent the rules a lot, off and on over the years, only to pull away very strongly whenever "counselled" - (or, rather, reprimanded for their waywardness) - to do so. I found, eventually, that it's just too painful to keep putting myself and my child through a kind of "Stockholm Syndrome" situation, where my wishes were not respected.
I've just chosen to stay away from them. For me, that's the best course, although it doesn't have to be that way for everyone.
I myself have often thought about getting re-instated and then fading away, but I feel it isn't worth the trouble. Would it be worth the hassle to do that for you? Only you can decide.
You can also set boundaries with your mom, since she's still talking to you about it; and just tell her the truth; it depends upon what you are able and willing to put up with from her and from the Society. Personally, my tolerance for all the boundarylessness of such a situation is completely gone, and I am A-Okay with setting my boundaries as I have. But it took a lot of years to get where I am, with no support from anyone who really understood the 'lowdown' on JWs. There are a lot of people here who have tried and successfully done other things than my way, and many who, like me prefer to be brutally honest with their JW families and leave it alone.
Whatever you do, do what's best for you and your children. Above all, be happy!
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Heather
The thing is for a while i tried to fade.....she wouldn't let me. She would call up the local elders and tell them I needed sheparding. I finally moved out of that area to where I live now and when I moved she called the elders up here and they actually tracted me down at the laundry mat. I went to some meetings and they were in the middle of counceling me on past actions that I had to repent on. They were going to reprove me and I had thought they would DF me. anyway I was tired of dragging my son to meetings and spanking him and talking to the elders about my premarital sex and asking for forgivness.....I think thats mostly why i DA myself in the fiirst place. I learned a whole lot more after I left and felt free to look up stuff and research questions I have had for a long time. I have asked her about different things.....but she avoids answering them than says she doesn't remember me asking her stuff in the first place. She has a big denile problem. I have told her I want a relationship with her and i prefer not to talk about religion but she is so consumed with it all its not possible. She says I need to be a JW.....its not good enough that I might believe some of the things.....jehovah made a name for his people....and if I don't have that name i will die. My family will die....i'm killing my kids. She tries using the fact that my dad and brother have died to guilt me into coming back cause "don't you want to see them in the new system". So I'm kinda lost maybe I will figure it out but part of me just wants to scream.....Do some research don't just believe what someone tells you. Anyway.......I know i'm kinda ranting but I enjoy reading alot of posts here and getting insight on other lifes and I'm just throwing in my own experiance. : )
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LittleToe
It seems you are experiencing the thin edge of the wedge. More and more would be expected of you, as every emotional trick in the book is played out over and over. Cordelia is one poster who has abley shown this to be the case, and has shown herself indecisive in this battle for her affections.
Bible studies are usually drawn in with it, but it appears to work just as well on those who have rejected the religion but still have familial ties.
Hang in there. You are understood {{{hugs}}}
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kitten whiskers
Fading doesn't necessarily make it easier. I haven't been disfellowshipped or disassociated myself, but because I celebrate holidays and birthdays now, my mother and sister (the only jws in family) have both told me they can no longer speak to me. Their decision due to the constant brainwashing of not talking to anyone who doesn't agree with the Society after baptism. Remember the marking talks that were given to advise us to beware of associating with those who might jeapordize our spirituality?
I am sorry for you. Don't let the guilt trips make you doubt yourself or your decisions. You have a right to make your own choices without being manipulated. ((((((Hugs))))))))
Kitten Whiskers
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Ken O
Heather, Don't do what I did...I gave in to alot of pressure and went back after my D/A letter...though I wised up a few months later...this month in fact!...and told the elders I was OUT...don't call me, don't shepherd me,etc,etc.... I think since you've taken that step....you should stay with it. I know it's hard...hard's not the word...but I do understand. I'm getting the shunning thing too and I have a little bit of a Non-JW support system that's been really helping me to move on. You're not married or with a JW boyfriend right? Apparently not...so you are in a much better position than me...because I'm still currently married to my JW wife... SO...stay D/A...don't make the mistake of going back like I did...even though I changed that and am no longer a JW....it's still difficult...and it's your decision alone...may God grant you wisdom and peace. Agape Ken
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reneeisorym
I would say that it doesn't matter what the elders did to you -- DA, DF, or reproof.. fade. ... Ask her "Isn't it what Jehovah thinks that matters anyway? No matter what my standing in the congregation is, my heart is what matters. So you should do what you think is right regardless of what the elders' decision was. Honesty is also important too in this situation."
I DAed and it was the best decision I ever made. I could be honest to them all about where I stand.