by J-ex-W 4 Replies latest social relationships
Found a website that talks about narcissistic personality disorder (and borderline and anti-social, etc.) and how to recognize it and stop the abuse.
also
http://www.toddlertime.com/sam/66.htm
http://www.toddlertime.com/narcissism/what-is-npd.htm
Notice how the description of narcissism also applies to cult leaders/ cult leadership mentality
Dear J-ex-W,
I haven't yet taken the time to research the material you've provided, but from a layman's point of view...
The Scriptures admonish to be lowly-minded and not think too much of oneself. Fine. But the actuality within the Org is that the system of rewards tends against the above humility: I placed "X" # of magazines, I am a pioneer, Jr. has been made a MS, I'm going to an overseas convention, I have a demo at the assembly, I have 7 Bible "studies" [students] and they all attend the meetings. This, and little more, is the max-reward in the earthly sense. How can you boast that Jehovah will give you eternal life? All the normal accomplishments of life are not truly the JWs to outwardly enjoy or benefit from. So an artificial existence and skewed sense of worth has been created on the treadmill of religious works. You can be puffed up over anything, of course. Spirituality is a good and worthy force in one's life. But the genuine article is not really linked to the above showy display; it's quiet and abiding and modest. I realize that my little rant is not truly about narcissism; however, egocentrism is linked to that term, and you know where we could go with that! Maybe later?????????
CoCo
The study of NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) is truly a fascinating one! (especially if you've ever been involved with one, which I was). Another EXCELLENT source re: NPD is any and all articles by Sam Vaknin who himself was diagnosed in the mid-1990s with NPD and thereafter has devoted enormous amounts of time to writing about it from a First-Person point of view. In other words, he describes what it's like INSIDE THEIR HEADS and it is excellent info. Even the shrinks GO TO HIM to learn about NPD because the stuffy psych books don't really describe what it is like in reality.
Sam has several websites, and also a book, "Malignant Self-Love." And I mean he gets down to every little nuance and detail of how they think and act. It was such a "revelation" to see in print everything I had experienced w/prior LTR b/f. I spent about six months reading Sam Vaknin's information. Eventually I knew it was enough, and I didn't need to read anymore, but it was an absolutely fascinating journey, well worth every minute spent, and an "education" that I will never forget!
Here are some links to Sam's NPD info:
Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Re-Visited
By: Sam Vaknin, Ph.D. - More about My Work - HERE! ... Listen to an INTERVIEW about Narcissism and Abuse with Sam Vaknin ... http://www.samvak.tripod.com/
A Person's Account of Narcissism - Sam Vaknin, A Narcissist
I'm Sam Vaknin, narcissist, author of Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited, owner of the largest site on Narcissistic Personality Disorder, NPD.
www.healthyplace.com/communities/ personality_disorders/narcissism/about_me.html
Narcissism, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Narcissists
Sam Vaknin, author of Malignant Self Love. ... Dr. Sam Vaknin: is our guest. He has a Ph.D. in philosophy and is the author of the book Malignant Self Love ...
www.healthyplace.com/Communities/Personality_ Disorders/Site/Transcripts/narcissism.htm
Narcissistic Personality Disorder -- 6/14/99 -- Sam Vaknin
WebMD welcomed author Sam Vaknin, on Monday, June 14, 1999, when he discussed narcissistic personality disorder.
www.webmd.com/content/article/71/81306.htm
Sam Vaknin @ Suite101.com - Profile
Sam Vaknin. Sam Vaknin Personality Disorders Feature Writer ... Sam Vaknin - Profile. Sam Vaknin - Credit: Lidija Rangelovska ...
www.suite101.com/profile.cfm/samvak
Shmuel (Sam) Vaknin - Curriculum Vitae (Biography)
Curriculum Vitae (biography) of Shmuel (Sam) Vaknin.
samvak.tripod.com/cv.html
Central Europe Review - Author Archive: Sam Vaknin
An archive of Dr Sam Vaknin's articles written for the Central Europe Review.
www.ce-review.org/authorarchives/ vaknin_archive/vaknin_main.html
Sam Vaknin - EzineArticles.com Expert Author
EzineArticles.com allows ezine or email list publishers to upload or download free expert content that can be used within email newsletters or websites.
ezinearticles.com/?expert=Sam_Vaknin
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/ag
CoCo,
Actually, what you described is what I recognized (by reading those sites) as "Inverted Narcissm." It's when someone has to hook up with a narcissist and can only comfortably claim any accomplishment of their own as coming THROUGH the narcissist. In other words, they try to be the superlative in accomplishin whatever it is that happens to be pleasing to the Narcissist. [A great comic example of this is the gay-seeming male assistant to Vanessa William's character on Ugly Betty.]
In other words, the Org. was started by Narcissists--Russell, Rutherford, others--and so has been run on the level of the personality/ expectations of a demanding narcissist. People who are part of that kind of org. structure--and attempt to THRIVE, not just survive, in it--are or behave like Inverted Narcissists. They do everthing in their superlative power to feed the Narcissist's incessant demands (on the terms dictated by the Narcissist), and feel uplifited ONLY when the Narcissist is smiling approval--which, of course, is cyclic and never lasts long. And the Inverted Narcissist learns to put ever increasing unreasonable demands/ expectations on himself in the process.
The I.N. is ONLY ALLOWED to be proud of the accomplishments that the N. gives permission of which to boast (like the ones you listed). And of course, if anyone tries to give credit for good works to the I.N. alone, the I.N. will strongly (even angrily) assert that the credit for I.N.'s good work REALLY belongs to N. [Because that is the real understanding between them. No matter what good things an I.N. does, credit goes to N.
So all the great traits/ skills/ resources that individual people in the JW org. may have--speaking ability, intelligence, money, time, compassion--are only to be allotted in whatever manner the Org. (N.) sees fit. If I.N.'s (congregation member's) resources are exercised outside the range permitted by Org. (N.), the Org. (N.) will bear down with excessive pressureon I.N. (cong. mem.) to get back in line or CUT OFF the I.N., having determined the I.N.'s previous usefulness is now used up.
Another example of this is my former JW mother-in-law. She used to WORSHIP the ground her JW elder husband walked on, and would become very angry at the idea of her/ any woman being anything other than in absolute obedience to the husband. Regardless of what issue raised, she would staunchly affirm the woman's rightful place to behave only as a I.N. to her N. husband. And a congregation member to behave as I.N. to the N. WTB&TS.
And, of course, the Org. is set up to perpetuate this pattern.
Is any of this making sense? 'Cause I'm not sure, but I think I may have lost myself on this one.
It should be noted that people who get pushed into behaving as Inverted Narcissists are NOT necessarily true I.N.'s. A true I.N. will seek out ONLY relationship/ connection with a Narcissist and only feels personally satisfied when killing themselves to satisfy that N. (basically).
Healthy people can be pushed into the behavior by a set-up system of rewards and punishments that operate in true N. mode and rob the person of outside moderating feeback/ rewards. The healthy person will eventually learn to recognize their own predicament, however, and do what it takes to extricate themselves from the unhealthy situation. Problem is, N.'s and narcissistically run org.'s like the WTB&TS prefer to make this next to impossible (to escape without without serious burns), so many continue the behavior even while not being true I.N.'s...until they reach a point where they feel like the CAN get out or MUST get out or, basically, spiritually (or physically) die.
After reading the above info and other stuff about the N. / I.N. stuff, I came to realize that my ex-husband operates (in different contexts) as both N. and I.N. In our marriage, he operated as N., which forced me to operate as I.N. In relation to his older brother, whom he has basically worshiped for as long as I can remember, he operates as I.N.--admiring excessively traits of his JW brother (while refusing to recognize similar strengths/ latent potential of his own) and killing himself to satisfy that brother/ employer's unreasonable work demands--feeling quite proud of being able to perform on the level his N.-operating brother expects.
And now, too, he is splitting his I.N. loyalties between his N. JW brother/ employer and the N. WBT&TS--which is only truly permissible because of the I.N. role his JW brother adopts in relation to N. WTB&TS as well. So my ex channels his I.N. energy into his N. brother--this then (by extension) spilling over onto the brother-approved, also N., WTB&TS, feeding into the Org.'s narcissistic supply. I would be hard pressed to believe that my ex could continue serving the N. Org, however, if his N. brother ceased doing so. Just a thought.
BTW, I'm not truly convinced as to whether the brother is a true N. or is simply trained into operating that way by his Jdub/ abusive family background. My ex I am quite clear on: He ISan N. (as family head)--and an I.N. in any other context.
And in the course of the marriage, I was pushed into operating like an I.N.--during which I happily transferred my energies over to the WTB&TS, believing (initially) that this was pleasing to my N. husband and the family-centric JW relatives of his. Then I was I.N. to TWON.'s (husband and org.), and between the two of them, it was killing me!!! Being NOT a true I.N., I eventually knew I had to GET OUT. Which, of course, I did...of both...Thank goodness!!
Man, I hope you all don't mind these excessively long rants. Sometimes it's just what spills out. I hope it's useful for someone.
