So this is the thing. I have been having panic attacks about things going on in my home. My hubby has a terrible temper when he gets made at the kids and grew up in a home where hitting and screaming were normal. I grew up in worse abuse and tend to be the "too permissive" parent, which is the other extreme. Also when we first left the JW's (3 years ago) the kids had a lot of anger and started to blow off lots of steam. We allowed them to do this for a time and gave them more freedoms than they had before, but they have gone overboard with their attitudes and this has created a very bad environment. The house has been way too toxic and since I am the more quiet one who holds it all in, and tries to keep peace, I am having terrible anxiety, headaches. etc.
The last straw was a few weeks ago - my hubby in anger slapped my daugher (14) across the face HARD, and pulled the phone out of the wall, because she threatened to call the police. Since then I have been so depressed and afraid of telling him my real feelings about the matter. I suggested anger management - he will NOT go. And family counceling - He said ME and the KIDS could go, he WILL NOT.
Anyway, Mrs. Jones gave me a lot of courage to "put my foot down" so to speak and Dansk (a true sweet heart) gave me some good advice too. Thank you both!
So last night, I call a family meeting and tell the family how the stress in our home is causing me a lot of health issues and that it has to stop. And since no one else has come up with a plan - I have. I wrote a list of five rules on a "Peace Contract" that I made everyone sign in agreement to, including my hubby. And I gave consequences for each action for the one perpetrating the wrong act; These include that "that person" must leave the room immediately to calm down, and apologize to the person they hurt immediately. And for the kids, some things are that they will loose privaleges and have to do the other person's chores (the one they perpetrated the wrong act against).
Here are the basic rules:
NO hitting another family member under ANY circumstances
NO name calling or berating of ANY kind
NO foul language permitted
NO threats of any kind will be made against another family member
NO throwing or breaking things in fits of anger - You break it, you will fix it or replace it.
I hung this up in large print. My hubby was not on board at first, his reason is he should have free reign as the father to smack the kids if he sees fit or scream all he wants. I told him these rules are not "optional", they are "mandatory". I will NOT any longer put up with abusive, toxic behavior. It is making me sick and this behavior is modeled from the parent (him) down to the kids. And that we cannot expect the kids to act right, unless we do. And that there are many other ways to discipline kids such as taking away their privelages. (T.V., computer, ipod, phone, time with friends, etc.) And that hitting and yelling did not make HIM or ME better people. Our parents were simply WRONG and we need to forget what we learned from them and make our own rules. I Also told him if he cannot get on board - he can go out the door!
Anyway, he signed it and agreed. Now, lets see what happens. Lilly