Made my family sign a "Peace Contract"

by lovelylil 8 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  lovelylil

  So this is the thing. I have been having panic attacks about things going on in my home. My hubby has a terrible temper when he gets made at the kids and grew up in a home where hitting and screaming were normal. I grew up in worse abuse and tend to be the "too permissive" parent, which is the other extreme. Also when we first left the JW's (3 years ago) the kids had a lot of anger and started to blow off lots of steam. We allowed them to do this for a time and gave them more freedoms than they had before, but they have gone overboard with their attitudes and this has created a very bad environment. The house has been way too toxic and since I am the more quiet one who holds it all in, and tries to keep peace, I am having terrible anxiety, headaches. etc.

  The last straw was a few weeks ago - my hubby in anger slapped my daugher (14) across the face HARD, and pulled the phone out of the wall, because she threatened to call the police. Since then I have been so depressed and afraid of telling him my real feelings about the matter. I suggested anger management - he will NOT go. And family counceling - He said ME and the KIDS could go, he WILL NOT.

  Anyway, Mrs. Jones gave me a lot of courage to "put my foot down" so to speak and Dansk (a true sweet heart) gave me some good advice too. Thank you both!

  So last night, I call a family meeting and tell the family how the stress in our home is causing me a lot of health issues and that it has to stop. And since no one else has come up with a plan - I have. I wrote a list of five rules on a "Peace Contract" that I made everyone sign in agreement to, including my hubby. And I gave consequences for each action for the one perpetrating the wrong act; These include that "that person" must leave the room immediately to calm down, and apologize to the person they hurt immediately. And for the kids, some things are that they will loose privaleges and have to do the other person's chores (the one they perpetrated the wrong act against).

  Here are the basic rules:

  NO hitting another family member under ANY circumstances

  NO name calling or berating of ANY kind

  NO foul language permitted

  NO threats of any kind will be made against another family member

  NO throwing or breaking things in fits of anger - You break it, you will fix it or replace it.

  I hung this up in large print. My hubby was not on board at first, his reason is he should have free reign as the father to smack the kids if he sees fit or scream all he wants. I told him these rules are not "optional", they are "mandatory". I will NOT any longer put up with abusive, toxic behavior. It is making me sick and this behavior is modeled from the parent (him) down to the kids. And that we cannot expect the kids to act right, unless we do. And that there are many other ways to discipline kids such as taking away their privelages. (T.V., computer, ipod, phone, time with friends, etc.) And that hitting and yelling did not make HIM or ME better people. Our parents were simply WRONG and we need to forget what we learned from them and make our own rules. I Also told him if he cannot get on board - he can go out the door!

  Anyway, he signed it and agreed. Now, lets see what happens. Lilly
• 

  mrsjones5

  Wow Lilly! You are strong! And your hubby took a step in the right direction by signing. Wow!

  I truely hope this leads to something better.

  Josie
• 

  Crumpet

  Wow lovelylil! I am so proud of your strength! You are very deserving of our respect and I hope your husband responds well to your no nonsense approach!
• 

  Highlander

  and pulled the phone out of the wall, because she threatened to call the police.

  In many, if not all states, it is a FELONY to prevent someone from calling the police/911. That coupled with him ASSAULTING your daughter, he belongs in jail.
• 

  J-ex-W

  loevelylil----------- WOW!!!!!!!!!! And, WOW!!!!!!!!!!!! I am seriously proud and impressed!!!!!!

  I have put my foot down using similar methods in the past with my own kids (something my ex-husband would never had submitted himself to...and I would never would have thought about telling HIM it applies to him and is not optional.

  WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  One word of advice: Now that you've put your foot down on the kids' acting out, prepare for a rise in tattletale behavior. I had to get creative in dealing with some things with my children--one of which was when tattle-telling was an ongoing problem. I began to feel like a gripe-box, and I was tired of having 'deposits' made into me--so I got the idea to take a square tissue box and covered it with deco. paper and introduced it to the kids. I told them that I am NOT a gripe box--that this is a gripe box, and from now on, any gripes they have about each other, they can put it into the Gripe Box, and at the end of each day, I will go over the contents and address each gripe as I see fit.

  You wouldn't believe the flurry of furious activity that thing saw!! The kids almost tripped over themselves and each other putting 'deposits' into the gripe box--and especially when they noticed that one of their brothers was putting something in about them...then a retaliatory gripe had to be submitted. Even my youngest, who couldn't yet write, was making heavy deposits!!!

  My kids were all elementary age then, but older kids under crackdown WILL REGRESS, and these kinds methods of containing the chaos are still effective. I used to show my ex-husband some of the entries made by the kids--and we would just ROAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! --Especially when it was so totally obvious, by one sheet sticking to the back of another one, that it came as a direct result of one son's indignation at being tattled on by another! I've kept those for memoribilia.

  Anyway, good luck with the whole thing...totally awesome!!
• 

  J-ex-W

  I also, at one time, intro'd a jar labeled, "Mom's Mexican Village Fund." I told the kids that every time they called each other a name or used put downs or yelled, etc.--because it was causing ME stress and making it so I needed a BREAK--then they would have to put a nickel or dime into the jar (depending on how much allowance they got). And if I broke any of those rules, I had to put in a quarter.

  The quarter cough-up happened only once, and I got a nice meal out on the kids a few weeks later. Behavior DOES improve when they have these very concrete reinforcers on the table.
• 

  lovelylil

  j-ex-w,

  Thanks for the advice, I will be prepared.

  Thanks everyone for your support. I was shaking the whole time I was "putting my foot down" because I did not know how my hubby would re-act. But I am at the point where I have to take control of the situation. I cannot deal with the stress anymore and anxiety. The kids are totally mimicking their dad and then he gets upset when they act out like he does but towards him. I told him WE as the parents have to model the right behavior and thats it. There is no way around this.

  I put up with so much when we were JW's becuase the brothers always took my hubby's side (the man is the head thing), and this fed my hubby's ego. I was always told to pray to Jehovah, or be "nicer" to my hubby. Hell I have been praying for a long time and I feel that God is telling me that I have to take some action too and protect myself. I am sure God would not want me to become a punching bag just because my hubby cannot control his temper.

  My hubby called me this morning and seems to be in a good mood. He is still thinking the "contract" is mostly to help the kids, but we will see how it works out. I did tell him I am not going to allow him to break the rules, and next time he knows I WILL call the Police myself.

  I am kind of proud of myself today and feel a lot better. I will update everyone in a couple of weeks. Thanks again. Lilly
• 

  fullofdoubtnow

  Wow Lily, that is so brave of you. I hope it works out well for your family.
• 

  Abandoned

  I hung this up in large print. My hubby was not on board at first, his reason is he should have free reign as the father to smack the kids if he sees fit or scream all he wants. I told him these rules are not "optional", they are "mandatory". I will NOT any longer put up with abusive, toxic behavior. It is making me sick and this behavior is modeled from the parent (him) down to the kids. And that we cannot expect the kids to act right, unless we do. And that there are many other ways to discipline kids such as taking away their privelages. (T.V., computer, ipod, phone, time with friends, etc.) And that hitting and yelling did not make HIM or ME better people. Our parents were simply WRONG and we need to forget what we learned from them and make our own rules. I Also told him if he cannot get on board - he can go out the door!

  Good for you. I've been blessed lately with learning how important it is to stand up for yourself, define your boundaries, and defend them. I'm very happy for you and I hope this brings everyone together. Either way, with this kind of moxie, I know you can handle anything that comes your way.