If this advert was placed in a newspaper, magazine or even on the television would you sign up (please feel free to add any other benefits you can think up
JOIN UP FREE (WELL NOT QUITE) TODAY WITH THE EVER UNPOPULAR DOOR KNOCKING RELIGION (we wont mention the name because it might put you off) AND REALISE THE FOLLOWING FANTASTIC, ONCE IN A LIFETIME BENEFITS
1. Ok firstly and a huge hit with tight parents NO MORE CHRISTMAS OR BIRTHDAYS. Yep thats right mean and miserly parents you need never spend another penny on the kids at times of celebration. Just think of Little Johnny going back after the Xmas break and been asked what Santa bought him this year and him having to tell his peers "Nothing" - its the stuff men are made of.
2. Your going to love this if your an early riser - NO MORE FREE WEEKENDS - Thats right there ours now. We are offering you the exclusive opportunity (apart from the Mormons and were not sure they do weekends) to rise early at the weekend, after a long hard week at work, don your best clothes and go out irritating people by knocking on their doors and trying to talk to them about God and World conditions. And whats more the kids can come along as well (a real treat for the family). Just imagine Little Johnny after all the stick he has been getting at school all week because he didnt get any Christmas presents, can get some at the weekends as well (You can bet your bottom dollar one of his school peers will spot him whilst your out all dressed up in his little suit. If he is really sensitive we advise possibly buying a Nike one as this may be considered more fashionable)
3.If you thought that was all for weekends (and we would prefer you did both Saturday and Sunday mornings, and a little bit of rain shouldnt put you off either) We would like you to SPEND TWO HOURS AT THE MEETING. Sometimes we have quite entertaining elders giving talks and occasionally the talks may be a bit interesting. After the talk we will have a Study of the Watchtower (which we hope you have spent 2 further hours at home preparing so you can make your answers as complex, lengthy and sleep inducing as possible). But dont worry we dont expect you to think of any of your own questions - as with all our literature we give you the questions and the answers - so you dont even have to think for yourself.......Oh and Little Johnny could you please encourage him to sit quietly for the whole duration of the meeting, discourage him from drawing pictures of 7 headed beasts and the like, and he may repeat parrot like a small answer during the Watchtower.
4. In case of boredom....WE ARE GOING TO MAKE YOU DO THE MEETING THING ALL OVER AGAIN, NOT ONCE BUT TWICE - yes thats right folks this unbelievable offer includes two further nights of your time on Tuesday and Thursday evenings. Little Johnny will be expected to attend, and if his teacher complains that he seems a little tired during class, just mention that sleep is for wimps.
5. And the No1 selling point.....wait for it, because we are proud of it.....YES YOU CAN LIVE FOREVER - The end of this system is rapidly approaching and when it comes all survivors will live forever (well at least a 1000 years, we will explain that to you a little bit further down the line.) Now we know we said the end would come in 1975, but we have had new light shine down on us since then and were not sure when its coming but it is...... It is....... It is (Please dont ask to many questions, because we would rather you didnt and it is frowned upon) But as for Little Johnny, well course he can live forever to as long as he doesnt ever get drunk, date girls outside of the organisation, and if he does date within the orgnisation he does not do more than kiss them and always with a chaperone, does not make worldly friends, smoke, masturbate........