How to deal with Mom "serving where the need is great"?

by snickers 9 Replies latest jw friends

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  snickers

  Hello all -

  First of all, I've been reading this forum for many months and have found it such a nice place! A little history - my husband and I were both raised as JWs, and both left about 11 years ago. We were initially inactive for quite a few years, but we still believed all the BS. Only in the past 3 years have we finally woken up and realized that we were never going back and with good reason!

  My family "served where the need was great" in South America the year I graduated from high school. I wasn't invited and got married instead (what else do young JW girls do?). They were there for almost 2 years in the early 1990s. My parent's had the WORST marriage and finally divorced almost 3 years ago. My Mom sold the house and moved back to South America last month. We have a love-hate relationship. For the past few years it's been okay, with the exception that she is always going on about JW crap to my kids. But right before she left she was very cold to me. She knew that I thought it was a cop-out that she was going in the first place. My sister just had another baby, my Mom hated her job and can't afford her lifestyle here - so she wanted to "retire". She's only 52 - how many 52 year old single women do you know that can retire early? On top of that, neither of my parents invested in any retirement plan until the last 10 years - so there's not a lot to live on - UNLESS you move to freakin' South America. What a crock!

  Anyways, my unofficial diagnosis of her leaving drama is that 1) she's going to miss us but is too damned prideful to say it 2) she knows that we are not going to put our minor children on a plane to visit her this summer as she wants 3) she is totally on the path of "doing God's work" and is now too good for us. All that being the case - it really doesn't matter in my life at all. She'll eventually come back, will figure out that she missed a lot while she was gone, and it'll take years to rebuild any kind of relationship, if ever.

  Communication is very strained at this point - she's called my house twice and has asked 1) how are you? 2) are the girl's there? 3) can I talk to them? And I am somehow on her freakin' JW faith-building email list - that is really pissing me off! I haven't heard one PERSONAL thing about her life down there, but have received the stupid emails that she sends to every other JW with "encouraging" stories about the "need" in S America. I'm really torn if I should just continue reading and deleting the emails, or take a stand and tell her to take me off her email list.

  Sorry - this was longer than I had intended. I'd welcome any advice on my mother drama. I'm looking forward to spending more time here!

  - R
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  Wasanelder Once

  Snick,

  you know what she's going to do and regret, now you have to detrmine what you will do in order not to have regrets of your own. You've said you have had a "love/hate" relationship for some time. It sounds as if you have had closeness and care about your Mom deep down. It's her life, eh? It has to be cheaper for her to live down there and she feels a part of something important, even if she is feeling self important. Sadly, she thinks she will live forever and isn't missing out on anything since you could too. Reality is that you are real, and here, and now. Yep, shell regret it.

  I know it sucks when people don't meet our expectations, but we have to let them do their thing. That doesn't mean that you have to read her fanatic e-mail crap. You can tell her that you would rather build a relationship than a scrapbook of her South American newsletters to all her "Brother's and SIsters." You are her daughter and you would like to receive the kind of e-mails that you write, personal and family oriented. There's no crime in that.

  I wouldn't send my kids to South America alone. No way. She probably thinks you'll pay for her to visit you. Maybe Mom's not so stupid after all?

  W.Once
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  becca1

  Welcome!

  As for Mom, I don't have any pearls of wisdom for you. Just keep living your live with personal integrity and come here and vent when it gets too crazy.
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  Madame Quixote

  It is fine to let her know that you do not care to be spammed with JW crap and that you'd prefer a personal email over the canned Jw spam. Other than that, I have no real advice. I can tell you about my experience, though. I too have a love-hate relationship with my mom (and with my sibs and with my dad). Their nasty behaviour and attitudes make it that kind of a relationship; so, I just stay the hell away. And I don't care for them to spend much time with my child, either, any more. They disrespect my wishes and cannot stop obsessing about Jehobo and preaching . . . enough of that for us. Hope you are happy with the family you have! I know it sounds kinda' mean, but you might consider it a blessing that she's going so far away . . . I would!
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  BabaYaga

  Hello and welcome, Snickers!!!
  
  If it's not one thing, it's your Mother.
  
  Baba.
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  snickers

  Thanks for the replies.

  Madame - You're right, in a way it is a blessing that she is far away. I've felt more freedom in my own house in the past month than the entire time we've lived here! She used to live on my same street and was constantly dropping in unannounced.

  W. Once - you give wise advice. I do need to let her live her own life. It's just hard that she doesn't communicate on a personal level.

  It is much cheaper for her to live down there. There's just a lot of hypocrisy about her move in general. She did not go down there on a missionaries visa like last time - my sisters and I know that she moved for the purpose of a cheap retirement lifestyle. But she gave the impression to everyone at home that she was feeling the spirit and moved to be a missionary. In truth, she was privately reproved almost 2 years ago and I doubt the WTBS would sponsor her with the missionary visa.

  There's never even been a chance that my kids would visit. My oldest daughter is finally getting excited about her upcoming birthday - it's taken a lot to get her comfortable with holidays in general. I've never prohibited my kids from going to meetings, but I would also never put them in the position to have to live the JW lifestyle for an extended period of time.

  Thanks again for the help. - R
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  JamieL

  My story would be a lot longer, and I won't go into it.

  I mean my mother is pretty cool and then also pretty cold. She had an absolute horrid upbringing and it came thru in our family. I mean our grandmother was a ruthless woman and I couldn't imagine what my mom went thru growing up, so I kind of understand all her being angry.

  But I mean mom always, always tried to guilt us into being good children. I mean from the time I was very young this was goin on. Very difficult to deal with, we had extremely high standards set for us inside the org and outside as well.

  It's complicated by many many different things. She thinks she lost her child when he was 10 and she did. But I certainly can't ever tell her my brother molested me. I mean, I don't know what that would do to my parents, but I can't tell them that. So she thinks its her fault, or that somehow it was me changing, or I became something else. And now, since I am DFd she and my father were pretty supportive in the beginning. My dad still is. But she called me all whacked out a couple weeks ago and I just hung up on her. She was talking about how hard this is for her and she can't do it anymore (talk to me). How hard it is for her???

  That's like when me brother called me up after all the stuff got out to the elders and asked me "I just want to know that I didn't do anything to change your life" really? really? No apology, or begging for forgiveness? Nah, to hell with that, I want to feel good and not have to feel terrible inside about what I did so I can rationalize that I'm a good person.
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  Crumpet

  Welcome to the board - good to have you begin posting!

  I dont think you need our advice - you seem to be handling this just fine yourself. You could challenge your mum with what you believe about her motivations but that might just make her feel more stubborn. She is behaving a little childishly and should be treated as such! I reckon she will be back!
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  Gayle

  Hello,

  I am a proud mom (5 children-4 have college degrees) & proud grandma (4 grandchildren), 60 yrs old,still proudly working,left JWs 20 yrs ago, was raised in WT organization(pioneered 5 yrs Bethel 5 years). I just say, focus on your children now, you're not going to change your mom (don't lose your energy there).Old people don't change much, but they do get sick, lonely. They find as they really age (60's or in their 70s or so), most see the organization isn't really there for them. I have seen it sometimes how they gravitate back to their kids, grandkids, having a need stongly for them, tho still claiming they are still JW). Spend your energy for your children preparing them for their generation/life.
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  MinisterAmos

  I was going to ask which country is soooo stupid as to Visa in a JW "missionary"

  Almost as bad as the US granting a Visa for a Shiite missionary or a Sinh Fein missionary or something of that lot.