I AM A DISSAPOINTMENT TO MUM

by josephus 8 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  josephus

  My dad was telling me today that i am a big dissapointment to my mum.

  it seems the feels that all her years of rearing us are a waste of time,
  because her three kids dont go to the meetings.

  she drew parralels to another family, in our hall, and said we all the same.

  the other family has four kids, three of whom are/were drug dealers.
  one was driven out of the country by terrorists because of it.

  the other is a prick living in a giant house. he only talks to you if hes bought
  a new gold brick to show off. they all hate thier parents.

  we arent the most successful bunch of kids ive ever met, but i thought
  we had a good relationship with
  our parents.

  maybe thats not worth much after all.

  see you

  josephus
  neil
• 

  Esmeralda

  awww, Neil. If I had a nickel for every time my mother told me that I was a disappointment, that I ruined her life, that her life's work was wasted because only one of her kids stayed in the truth...I'd be richer than bill gates.

  Not a happy club to belong to. But one with lots of members. You're not alone *hug*

  essie
  (who learned what never to say to a child
  from her mother.)
• 

  joelbear

  I understand how you are feeling.

  A few weeks ago my brother and I spent the weekend at my parent's farm. It was a nice peaceful visit which is always an accomplishment.

  My brother left earlier than I did and I got into a conversaton with my parents about life and death. They started it out by going over their desired funeral arrangements.

  I asked them what the happiest part of their lives were and they both agreed that it was when my brother and I were kids and they had control over us. We have both grown up to be disappointments to them since we are both non practicers, me DFed and he inactive for 35 years.

  It kind of opened my eyes up to why people like my parents become witnesses. They like the idea of control it gives them. Clearly I inherited this concept from them as it comes out in me every once in a while (ie. my constant attempts to get everyone on the JW.com board to act they way I want them to).

  So, you are not alone.

  Thankfully, our happiness in life does not have to rely on our parents being happy with our choices. Also, this is certainly not a JW only scenario. Most of my friends, straight and gay, are living lives their parents don't approve of in one way or another.

  hugs

  Joel
• 

  Seeker

  You are not alone. I think this relates to a common parental feeling. Many parents want their children to take after them. This often manifests itself in wanting their children to take up the family trade, for instance. What conflict often arises when the child strikes out in a different direction, causing "disappointment" in the parents. Yet isn't it valid for the child to make their own choices in life? Of course it is!

  The same thing happens with religion. Pity the child of Muslim parents who informs them that they are changing religions. Or the child of Jewish parents who tells them the same thing. What disappointment this causes! Yet isn't it valid for the child to make their own choices in life? Of course it is!

  So even though it hurts to hear this from a parent, since we are hard-wired to want to please our parents, sometimes in life you have to make your own choices. The wise parent will recognize this and, even if disappointed, give their blessing and support. JW parents don't get that option, for they are propagandized into believing that you will die for your choice, and soon. It is not surprising to hear these words from a JW parent, therefore. They have the natural parental desire to see their children take after them, and they have the further JW imperative to show disapproval of anyone who leaves. How could they NOT express disappointment?

  They try to make it personal, but on a certain level, it really isn't. It's almost universal among JW parents. You are not alone.
• 

  circe

  josephus,

  What a horrible thing to be told!

  I've been lucky so far in that my mom hasn't said anything like that to me. She's a Witness, but my dad's not, so I only have to worry about her.

  We've gotten into a couple of religious discussions which have been pretty tame. She's the one who wants to end the discussion first with the attitude of "let's agree to disagree".

  She believes the Witnesses have the "truth", but I also think she's sees the hypocrisy and so doesn't judge me too much, (at least to my face).

  I know words don't help the hurt much - but please know that you are not alone and that you have friends.

  circe
• 

  RN

  Joel,

  I know that control remarks hurts, doesn't it? Like your some kind of puppy that needs to be housebroken and learn to stay in the yard.

  My mom made that same comment to me several years ago. She had been inactive for several years and I (good Dub that I was trying to be) was trying to "help" her. She told me flat out that the two things that most interested her about the Witnesses were that 1) she truly felt that they had Biblical truth and 2) this religion would help her keep control over her children. She explained to me that she realized that we were growing up and therefore growing away from her and she needed something more than "because I said so, I'm your mother" to control us.

  Even though she's been DA'd for years and I'm terminally inactive, I assure you I'm still a dissappointment. I just cannot be what she thinks I should be.

  Look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder in your nearest medical dictionary, you'll see a pic of my mom.

  Hugs to Joel and Essie

  RN
• 

  Billygoat

  I must be in a really foul mood today because these experiences are REALLY pissing me off. Not at you Neil, but at people like your parents. (And my parents for that matter!) For instance:

  it seems the feels that all her years of rearing us are a waste of time, because her three kids dont go to the meetings.

  Did you mum ever stop to think that rearing you into adults is her OBLIGATION AND RESPONSIBILITY as a parent?!?! It is EVERY parent's responsibility to do their best at raising their child - whether or not they live a life you want once they're adults. Even if she didn't do her "best" - IT IS STILL HER RESPONSIBILITY!!! The fact that's she feels her years are wasted, should feel like a slap in the face to her Jehovah.

  Grrrr!

  Sorry. Venting a little here. Partly because I know my parents feel the same thing, but have at least had the wisdom to NOT tell me. If they ever do tell me I can only imagine going postal on them. Unfortunately, my logical, loving side would probably not be the first thing to come out.

  Hugs to you dear!
  Andi
• 

  ashitaka

  joel,

  so very true. the degree of control they are ENCOURAGED to lay down makes them warped. and when the control is gone (because they associate control with love...god is love, god controls congregation, elders control them, they control kids. they think it is a circle of love) they are bewildered by the landscape of their child's mind, and because it is foreign they immediatly assume it is evil. It like racial bigotry of the mind.

  It's sad and it's the one thing that holds the JW's together. It's a real shame.

  ashitaka

  "I pray that I may never see the desert again-hear me God."-Robert Bolt
• 

  joelbear

  There is a wonderful passage in Kahlil Gabran's (sp?) The Prophet which urges parents to view their children as arrows that they shoot out into the world, but let them choose their own path and where they will land. Its one of my favorites.

  hugs

  Joel