How Not to Talk to Your Kids - The Inverse Power of Praise

by zensim 7 Replies latest social family

  • zensim
    zensim

    (Photo: Phillip Toledano; styling by Marie Blomquist for I Group; prop styling by Anne Koch; hair by Kristan Serafino for L'Oreal Professionnel; makeup by Viktorija Bowers for City Artists; clothing by Petit Bateau [shirt and pants])

    W hat do we make of a boy like Thomas?

    Thomas (his middle name) is a fifth-grader at the highly competitive P.S. 334, the Anderson School on West 84th. Slim as they get, Thomas recently had his long sandy-blond hair cut short to look like the new James Bond (he took a photo of Daniel Craig to the barber). Unlike Bond, he prefers a uniform of cargo pants and a T-shirt emblazoned with a photo of one of his heroes: Frank Zappa. Thomas hangs out with five friends from the Anderson School. They are “the smart kids.” Thomas’s one of them, and he likes belonging.

    Since Thomas could walk, he has heard constantly that he’s smart. Not just from his parents but from any adult who has come in contact with this precocious child. When he applied to Anderson for kindergarten, his intelligence was statistically confirmed. The school is reserved for the top one percent of all applicants, and an IQ test is required. Thomas didn’t just score in the top one percent. He scored in the top one percent of the top one percent.

    But as Thomas has progressed through school, this self-awareness that he’s smart hasn’t always translated into fearless confidence when attacking his schoolwork. In fact, Thomas’s father noticed just the opposite. “Thomas didn’t want to try things he wouldn’t be successful at,” his father says. “Some things came very quickly to him, but when they didn’t, he gave up almost immediately, concluding, ‘I’m not good at this.’?” With no more than a glance, Thomas was dividing the world into two—things he was naturally good at and things he wasn’t.

    For instance, in the early grades, Thomas wasn’t very good at spelling, so he simply demurred from spelling out loud. When Thomas took his first look at fractions, he balked. The biggest hurdle came in third grade. He was supposed to learn cursive penmanship, but he wouldn’t even try for weeks. By then, his teacher was demanding homework be completed in cursive. Rather than play catch-up on his penmanship, Thomas refused outright. Thomas’s father tried to reason with him. “Look, just because you’re smart doesn’t mean you don’t have to put out some effort.” (Eventually, he mastered cursive, but not without a lot of cajoling from his father.)

    Why does this child, who is measurably at the very top of the charts, lack confidence about his ability to tackle routine school challenges?

    Thomas is not alone. For a few decades, it’s been noted that a large percentage of all gifted students (those who score in the top 10 percent on aptitude tests) severely underestimate their own abilities. Those afflicted with this lack of perceived competence adopt lower standards for success and expect less of themselves. They underrate the importance of effort, and they overrate how much help they need from a parent.

    When parents praise their children’s intelligence, they believe they are providing the solution to this problem. According to a survey conducted by Columbia University, 85 percent of American parents think it’s important to tell their kids that they’re smart. In and around the New York area, according to my own (admittedly nonscientific) poll, the number is more like 100 percent. Everyone does it, habitually. The constant praise is meant to be an angel on the shoulder, ensuring that children do not sell their talents short.

    But a growing body of research—and a new study from the trenches of the New York public-school system—strongly suggests it might be the other way around. Giving kids the label of “smart” does not prevent them from underperforming. It might actually be causing it.

    For the past ten years, psychologist Carol Dweck and her team at Columbia (she’s now at Stanford) studied the effect of praise on students in a dozen New York schools. Her seminal work—a series of experiments on 400 fifth-graders—paints the picture most clearly.

    Dweck sent four female research assistants into New York fifth-grade classrooms. The researchers would take a single child out of the classroom for a nonverbal IQ test consisting of a series of puzzles—puzzles easy enough that all the children would do fairly well. Once the child finished the test, the researchers told each student his score, then gave him a single line of praise. Randomly divided into groups, some were praised for their intelligence. They were told, “You must be smart at this.” Other students were praised for their effort: “You must have worked really hard.”

    Why just a single line of praise? “We wanted to see how sensitive children were,” Dweck explained. “We had a hunch that one line might be enough to see an effect.”

    Then the students were given a choice of test for the second round. One choice was a test that would be more difficult than the first, but the researchers told the kids that they’d learn a lot from attempting the puzzles. The other choice, Dweck’s team explained, was an easy test, just like the first. Of those praised for their effort, 90 percent chose the harder set of puzzles. Of those praised for their intelligence, a majority chose the easy test. The “smart” kids took the cop-out.

    Why did this happen? “When we praise children for their intelligence,” Dweck wrote in her study summary, “we tell them that this is the name of the game: Look smart, don’t risk making mistakes.” And that’s what the fifth-graders had done: They’d chosen to look smart and avoid the risk of being embarrassed.

    For the full article follow this link:http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/index.html

  • Fe2O3Girl
    Fe2O3Girl

    Interesting article. It made me think about my own behaviour patterns. I didn't find anything academically challenging until I started my degree, and I was appalled - and never really put much work in.

    I hope that some parents won't take this as a reason for withholding praise altogether. But it is interesting to see how well children absorb and respond to how we describe them: clever, kind, hardworking, pretty, naughty or stupid.

  • Sad emo
    Sad emo

    Thought provoking article there zenism.

    It's the exact opposite of telling a child negative things such as "You're hopeless", "You'll never be any good at ..." but the constant positive comments have exactly the same effect. Both types of children need the encouragement to learn and grow otherwise all they are left with is a stark belief and that's the standard they will measure themselves by.

    Thomas’s father tried to reason with him. “Look, just because you’re smart doesn’t mean you don’t have to put out some effort.”

    Strangely (or maybe not) even this attempt at encouragement by the boy's father contains a strong degree of criticism which the poor kid may have picked up - stop being so lazy, you're being selfish, you're not good enough, you're a failure, you're stupid - this last one being devastating because he realises he can't meet his own or everyone elses standards.

    How careful we need to be in what we say to our children.

  • bernadette
    bernadette

    good article zensim

    praising specific effort and behaviour is more enabling than general labels to do with the person himself.

    bernadette

    only just noticed that your online name is zensim and not zenism

  • Crumpet
    Crumpet

    Very thought provoking. However I think children naturally prefer to only do what they are good at. I am the same and was as a child and I certainly never got told I was smart.

    Also my step daughter says this constantly. She will say "Oh but I'm not very good at that" and give up and needs lots of encouragement to try. However I think this is partly down to her mother who does not encourage her to try at anything but actually the reverse - she discourages trying anything new with a kind of fanaticism which is disturbing....

  • Gill
    Gill

    Very good. I like the 'you worked hard' phrase.

    I tend to use, 'Get off that bloody Playstation or I'll throw it out the bloody window!' to get mine moving. Their grades are going up all the time!!!! Also, 'if you work hard and get good grades, you could carry on working hard and get a good job and get lots of money and live how you want!' I tend to find they enjoy that little fantasy for the future and it makes them work!!!

  • Scully
    Scully

    Wow. I noticed that effect with a couple of my kids too. And just the opposite with the middle one, who struggled with a learning disability for a couple of years. The kids we praised with the you're-smart-you-can-do-it! mantra, tend to be slackers in the homework department and have very average marks. The one with the learning disability had to work her butt off and get extra help, but we still praised her for her hard work and the good outcome she got out of it, and she is the most tenaciously studious kid I've ever seen, and she gets marks in the 90s.

    I often wondered whether there was a difference in the way children were praised and learned to value their intelligence by culture. It would be interesting to know whether North American kids tend to receive more of the "you're so smart" messages, compared to Chinese and Japanese kids - do they receive more of the "you worked hard on that" messages?

  • Jim_TX
    Jim_TX

    When I was a kid, I never got 'you're smart' messages from my mom - or siblings. What I got told? "You will bring home A's or B's. Anything lower, and you'd better have a good explanation for it." What I _do_ seem to remember is the word 'stupid' being used a lot.

    I did okay in High School... got a 92.924 GPA for the 4 years there... graduated 11th out of a class of just over 400. Never got kudos from my mom, though. Would have received an 'honor' on Senior's Honors Night - if I had been allowed to go. I never had to study hard, and by the time I was in the 11th or 12th grade, had figured out a system for taking tests that seemed to work quite well.

    Anyway, as a result of the lack of encouragement - the lack of praise - I always thought that I was stupid, and waaaaay behind what everyone else knew. I was always reading. Studying. (I'm talking about electronics - not the JW stuff.) I would be found reading magazines and books whenever I could. Even in High School. I would be reading something or other.

    I was also tinkering a lot with electronics. Experimenting, too. (It's a wonder I'm still alive - some of the 'experiments' that I did...)

    It wasn't until much later, when I was with a couple of college kids who were discussing some new technology - and I added my comments - that I realized that maybe I wasn't too far behind everybody else after all. They were astonished. They looked at me... '...how do you know about xxx technology?' I was a taken back a bit. I thought that everyone else knew about it. Turns out - they had just learned about this in some college class that they were taking. I never went to college. (Well - not a 4-year college.)

    Anyway... later on - when my daughter was growing up - while I don't think that I would go on about 'you're smart' (she _is_ smart, though) with her, what I _would_ do is to encourage her. She would complain about how she wasn't very good at something. I would tell her that by practicing - she _would_ get better. She would complain a bit more - and then go and practice. Sure enough - she would get much better.

    Positive words do not hurt. Positive re-inforcement.

    All I got growing up was a negative re-inforcement. Negative words.

    Regards,

    Jim TX

    P.S. Oh, and not for a minute do I think I am some sort of 'genius'. Just average.

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