As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent
trend towards legislation which requires the prominent
placing of warnings on products that present hazards to
the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary
thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned,
merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in
this important area. This is especially true in light of
the findings of 20th century quantum physics.
We therefore propose that the following list of warnings
appears on every product offered for sale in the United
States.
CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy
Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of
Weight.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute
Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in
Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle,"
It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same
Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast
It Is Moving. (Note: This one is optional on the grounds
that Heisenburg was never quite sure that his principle
was correct)
ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance
That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product
May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and
Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including
Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be
Responsible for Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.
ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents
Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality,
This Product Consists Of 99.999999999% Empty Space.
PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That
When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product,
It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and
Undetermined State.
HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This
Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent
on Its Velocity Relative to the User.
WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.