I just wanted to share with all of you on this forum my newfound joy. Thanks to a new understanding by the FDS, they are able to provide to certain ones of us a lobotomie free of charge! I was quite upset at first when my wife approached me with this news, but my tune soon changed. She convinced me that it was for the good of the family and that when it was over, I would be quite happy.
Long story short, I had mine done last Friday. Spectacular! I have never been so happy! Now thanks to the Society, I no longer need to worry about the small things in life, like how to dress appropriately, proper grooming, deductive reasoning, thinking for myself. It's great! If I have a question, all I need to do is look it up in the index and then I have the answer on any subject-including the proper sexual position! Imagine that! All that on just one CD! But wait, there's more!
I was guaranteed that by getting the procedure I would be eligible for the priviledge of more work and responsibility and time away from family in just 1 year! How great is that! All I have to do is continue the mental therapy 5 times a week as well as spend only a minimum of 10 hours a month telling others about my great, new life. I can already taste the wonderful blessings given to me by God's Earthly Organization. What a great feeling in this "Time of the End" to know I don't even have to think and I'm guaranteed eternal life on this planet Earth. Oh how I long for the days when my newfound brothers and I toil over the destruction from Armageddon while rebuilding the earth to it's paradise state. I feel so small when I think of the priviledge it will be to have been chosen by God to work tirelessly cleaning up this filthy earth and burying all the dead who did not believe.
Fortunately, since I was not disfellowshipped, but only inactive, the Society paid for this remarkable transformation. For those of you who are disfellowshipped or Disassociated, the Society is offering a onetime deal of 50% off the already reduced rates-and if that isn't enough-there is a group discount for families of 3 or more when the children are younger than 10! How can you pass up a deal like that! I almost wet myself after my procedure when we went over all the new offers and benefits from such a simple operation. It is mind-numbing how much they care for us. Literally, I haven't been able to feel my head for days. What a wonderful organization.
Remember to act now though, because this offer will end SOON! I would hate to see all of you left out in the cold to die in the "Great day of God the Almighty". Please contact your local service department for more details and pricing. (This offer not valid with any other offer. Closed to residents of Puerto Rico, Guam and all 3rd world nations. Must be 18 or older. Side effects may include vomiting, diahrrea, night sweats, loss of sexual appetite, elder worship, Demon Trouble, and an unnatural urge to urinate at the Kingdom Hall. If any of these symptoms continue, please see the Presiding Overseer for the proper counsel and medical treatment.)