I do not have any formal education in this area, and so do not know all the terms that go along with my situation, but will do the best I can to describe the confusion I am having. I was raised a Jehovah's witness, yes I now realize it is a cult with C. For 39 years I was held captive in this destructive mind control destructive cult. I left and several years ago and so did my wife, she left with me even though many in the cult will let it split up their relationship rather than leave the deluded comfort of their fantasy world. Both our parents were raised in this so called religion, as is the norm, once in you are not allowed to date any one outside of the cult, once in you will be excommunicated or as they call it disfellowshiped for any number of infractions, including celebrating any holiday,voting,smoking a cigarette,saying outloud you do not think Jehovah's witness are gods sole channel of communication on earth. Once a JW you can be disfellowshiped for talking to,having dinner with, or in any way socializing with any former member who is now disfelowshipped including your family member,I.E. brother,mother,sister,father, uncle ect. My wife's parents live apx. 4 miles from her and for the past 5 years since we left the cult have not talked to her except on special occasions such as a graduation or funeral, High school is the only graduation they would go to as they frown on collage or any form of higher education. My father left the witness after my mother passed away 7 years ago, He has 4 sons, and here is where my question of confusion comes in, He seems to have no use for his own children. For as long as I can remember he would pick up and hold and even play with other peoples children, I am the oldest and can remember him doing this but never with my brothers. He would never do anything with his own kids, if they were doing anything at all, he always had some job to do at work or around the house but never any time to spend with his kids. Now that my mother passed away,3 of his children have left and gone their own way, He had a small plumbing business and his middle son worked for him, up until this year, work ran out as Michigan is on hard times, the last son left to work in south Carolina, He has taken up with a woman 55 and moved her and her 17 year old kid into his home, he never calls to see how his two year old twin grandchildren are doing, does not call to see how his kids are doing, and lives with his new family as if nothing is out of the ordinary. This attitude is so strange to me I can not get my mind around it, my nieces are the world to me, and so will be my nephew who will be born in a week, He has never called to see how things are going with the birth, or that brother either. My father has displayed may odd,what I can only call obsessive compulsive behaviors, I.E. he keeps 4 freezers full of food that goes bad, and when he absolutely can not use it he throws it out and and buys more, keeps over 100 empty butter dishes in the cupboard,will not throw anything out as it may be useful, a year ago the last time I was in his home, he had 32 bottles of 1.29$ cheap after shave in the bath cabinet. When it comes to cars, he is one old man and has to keep 5 cars and trucks and keep them all licensed, he has to buy things in bulk and store things he never uses, he has projects that are never done, His home is a 2500 Square foot home with a core that is a 10x40 mobil home, that has never been finished, it is always in a state of construction, he builds and rips apart and rebuilds adds on ect. I once as a kid worked with him one summer digging and hauling sand and mixing mortar pouring by hand footings and laying a foundation for a garage, once in he changed his mind and we tore it all out. I can not understand this behavior and I am sure that I am not the first to see a person act like this, at this point in my life I would like to understand what is going on it that screwed up head, I know he is a toxic person and I am relocating south, part for weather,part to get away from family who are Jehovah's witnesses, and part to get away from a toxic parent. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.
trying to understand
by endlosung 3 Replies latest jw experiences
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megsmomma
I don't have any help to offer....It sounds like a really tough situation.....but, I have seen things similar on Oprah (OK, no one throw things at me!) It is a real disorder, and very hard to help with. From the stories I saw, the only way for the person to get better is to seek out help them selves.
I wish I knew more to tell you. The part about him having nothing to do with his kids and grandkids...but taking in others could be a part of the Cult mentality. My mom (who is an active JW) is like that. I guess if your dad never faced why he isn't a JW, he could still have it all still in his head and in a way has disconnected from his family....and maybe preparing for the big "A" by storing things up(In a very unreasonable way)
I am sorry for your situation. I wish you all the best in your family life!
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Borgia
I can relate to some of it, especially the part where your dad never spents time iwth you.
I can remember some instances in which we had a play together. Mostly during the summer holidays for a moment or so. But these are all way back when I was a 4 to 6 year old. When he would spent time with us, it was usually to reprimand us, spank us, or something. He was either working in the office, meeting with the elders, or going on stake out, or combatting rebellion in the cong. I almost forgot: of course he needed to prep for public talks and assembly parts.
I have 2 kids and one day these two gems of mine were sick and in bed with my wife. He usually never calls but when he does it is always inconvenient. So this time he called on the phone to say that he'd could only do 1 out of 2 things: spent some time with his grandchilderen so now and then or pioneer. If the'd go pioneering they would only have time for us after the big A. Which one would we choose?
My wife took a very deep breath and said well let's not keep you from pioneering then shall we.
So the SOB never called in again. At that point I had only one issue left unattended and that was my mothers heritage.
At that point he had the audacity to challenge my motives. I blew my top. Stepped out of his house and never looked back.
I tried for 20 odd years to understand the man. I still fail to understand how someone can become so cold towards his own flesh and blood and like your dad, embrace those who are not of his. Maybe in a twisted sort of way, they image they can do what God had done: reject the house of israel and recognize that what had not naturally been sons........I don't know.
I just laid it at rest. Swept it aside, for to me it is incomprehensible. It drowns my energy away, depresses me and I am walking around for days with just that one issue on my mind untill I find somewhere the point I can look outside and say: look the sun shines, let's go for a walk en enjoy it.
So, I said so long and dumped the guy and made the fysical distance between him and my little misjpoche as big as possible. I did not send him a change of address, nothing. My brother did not tell him, nor did the rest of my so JW family, although my unkel stongly disagrees with my course of action.
What I focus on now is to maintain good relationships within my family, focus on the wifey and the kids and to enjoy life with them.
I do not feel pain, because I finally recognized that since my mother had died, I lost my dad too. And that grieve I could not recognize and understand. It took a long time, 20 odd years before I finally realized what kind of an emotion it was. But now I do.....it's called mourning for the dead. And that to me he actually is.
At that point it all settled for me. Now I can relate to the past with memories. some of which do make me smile. and the opposite is true of course.
So, I hope this may be of some help to you.
Cheers
Borgia
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Frannie Banannie
Endlosung, have you asked him about all these things, including his treatment of his own children/g/children and packrat ways? If not, why don't you ask him?