Invisible Pink Unicorn vs The Flying Speghetti Monster

by 5go 3 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  5go

  Let's rock !!!!!

  The Gospel According to St. Sascha Kokott

  1. "If thou were to behold me thou wouldst surely die," sayest the invisible Pink Unicorn, "for thou canst not see both my pinkness for it is invisible."
  2. Then came one Bob of the Burger King, devout and of repute before the law the son of Ed, the TV repairman, son of Anderson the town drunk, son of Michael the shoeman.
  3. On this day Bob tempted her Excellency by attempting to view Her Pinkness' pinkness.
  4. Her Excellence was moved with anger: "How darest thou oh Man to view my pinkness I shall smite thee with bad spam."
  5. Then the Lord Goddess smit the Burger King with bad spam, and all of the inhabitants thereof had a Maalox night.
  6. But the people made prayer and supplications thereof, and the Goddess was pleased with the sweet odour of the bacon double cheeseburger with fries, she therefore made a proclamation:
  7. "I shall set my bow(tie) in the heavens that never shall I again smite Burger King employees with bad spam. For the inhabitants thereof may taste of my mercy and see that my invisible pinkness is all.
  8. I am the Invisible Pink Unicorn and there is not any other… I know not any."

  An Unknown Apostle's Revelation

  I have been inspired by the IPU Herself to write this.

  All hail in her Pinkish Hue! It has been delivered onto me, by the divine elven prophets that the IPU gave Her only begotton saddle, so that we may be free to join Her in the Divine Stables. (No one shalt write the words "Divine Stable" as it will surely result in death!)

  She said onto me: "Whoever shalt eat my hay, and apply thy tongue to My salt-lick, shall be able to graze in eternal peace!"

  She then gaveth me Her Divine Commandments: (She spoke: "If thou writeth Thy Commandments, Ye shalt surely DIE!")

  1.Thou shalt not use spurs.
  2.Thou shalt not be made into meat products and sold to schools for profit.
  3.Thou shalt not lead us to water, for we will not be made to drink!
  4.Thou shalt not worship any other color except Divine Pink!

  Heed these words, it is written!

  Miracles of the Invisible Pink Unicorn

  Steven L. Preszler recounted:

  I was driving from Sacramento to home with just a half tank of gas in my car. That is not nearly enough and since I didn't have any money or credit to buy gas, I decided to pray to the IPU for help. The IPU answered my prayers and I made it home with just enough gas to reach my driveway. The IPU worked in a mysterious way by allowing a big storm to blow a strong southerly wind up the central valley and bring large amounts of rain. This gave me a tail wind which improved my gas mileage enough to reach home. It appears that the storm that gave me such good gas mileage is going to cause wide spread flooding up and down the valley but I suspect that the people who will get flooded out are unbelievers living contrary to the laws of the IPU.

  Holy Relics of the Virtual -Temple of the IPU

  The Holy Sock of Bob

  Doubly blessed by Her Horniness as it has been pierced by her Horn and has been imbued with her Pink Essence in the Wash Room Shrine of a small house in Long Beach CA. The Sock is reputed to cause outbreaks of Irrationality. Incredulity and expletives were in abundance when it was first discovered, especially believable as the rest of the wash was also Pink. More about Wash Rooms is revealed by the Lost Prophet of AOL.

  An Interview with the Grand High Llama of the IPU - Rich Daniel

  Does the IPU really exist?

  As much as god exists or Eric Draven for that matter. Take one horse. Paint it pink, put a horn on its head, make it invisible and you have an invisible pink unicorn. Does this mean its possible? Conventional Wisdom strictly forbids such an action. Of course Conventional Wisdom was sadly mistaken about the shape of the earth now wasn't it? The Earth didn't suddenly decide to become spherical in reaction to a popular poll. There isn't any proof that you can't have an IPU any more than there is proof that you can have one. If one is to deny the existence of the IPU one need to deny the existence of god, Santa Claus, truth in advertising, political reform, Jesus, and all other things that are intangible and not present on top of your terminal staring you right in the face at this moment. Can't have one or the other, this isn't the 31 flavours of philosophy. Accepting one implausible scheme such as waking up alive with all bodily functions still working requires that one admit that all other implausible schemes in the universe are possible. In fact the IPU is implausibility itself.

  Is there a point to this?

  Yes! The IPU is the cosmic guru of uncertainty. Since its invisible it can't possible be pink but it is. You're feeling uncertain right now aren't you. It is and it isn't at the same time. Normally only certain cats trapped in boxes with 50% chances to live could be and not be at the same time. The cat undergoes wave collapse but the IPU is beyond that. Its is both at the same time because you can't be certain what the hell it is, pink or invisible because you can't find it to check. Schrodinger was on the entirely wrong track with the kitty idea. The IPU isn't sure either since it can't exactly look in a mirror. It experience the essence of being pink and invisible at the same time. Such miracles are not easily come by mere mortal.

  So is the IPU god?

  No more than David Bowie. The IPU does not have demands of its followers. It does not demand tribute or place silly restrictions on their behaviour, dress, where they spend Saturday night, or what brand of Tequilla they consume. The IPU just is. Accept it believer since the most holy horn will not skewer you if you choose not to, in fact the IPU will do NOTHING to you if you don't choose to accept its existence. This is a non threatening religion, we have quite enough of the threatening kind already.

  Where did the IPU come from?

  Legend has it that someone on alt.atheism quipped that god(tm) was as logical as pixies or invisible pink unicorns. A certain someone was tickled pink (so to speak) by the idea and decided to start a new religion based on an invisible pink unicorn. This of course is merely legend and rather silly. The IPU has existed always and always will exist as the true incarnation of all that is invisible, pink, horny, and uncertain in the universe. The unicorn is responsible for all the uncertainty in the universe. It causes quantum particles be completely indeterminate, it makes the actions of Mother Nature mysterious, is responsible for an infinite number of strange and unpredictable actions and makes a damn fine tequilla sunrise. In the beginning when some furry guy in a white robe said 'let there be light' the IPU lit a clove from it. The holy smoke from the original clove defracted the light and started the random motion of light which for some unknown reason looked more than a little like Salvador Dali. Thus was born uncertainty.

  So like the IPU is kind of like, uncertain?

  While the IPU is the embodiment of uncertainty he/she/it/? certainly does not like stupid or fluffy people. Nor does the IPU like people who pretend they have all the bloody answers and you're just too blind and one of these days you'll pay for your lack of faith unbeliever. Hence the IPU does not require faith but exists regardless of doubt as there simply isn't a way to prove that it doesn't exist. As its invisible one can neither say its pink or not pink or something else entirely so it's entirely uncertain that its pink. If it wasn't pink it wouldn't be the Invisible Pink Unicorn now would it?

  Why a unicorn?

  It's 1000 times cuter than a purple assed baboon (apologies to W. Burroughs) and much more uncertain. Just because you haven't seen a unicorn dosen't mean they don't exist. I haven't seen quarks, electrons, or Peter Murphy for that matter, but I still accept their existence even though I have no direct evidence for their existence. Unicorns are special creatures which exist seemingly in the imagination but there isn't any reason they can't exist. Horses with horns in their foreheads who can only be approach by virgins are perfectly logical, their existence has not been confirmed yet.

  How can one believe in the IPU?

  Simple. Do so. Its not that difficult. Accept the IPU as something that exists. There isn't a way to deny its existence without denying the existence of all that cannot be directly observed by one's own sensory organs. Taking into account optical illusions, LSD, and dreams for example one can easily see how fallible even these means of observation are. There really isn't anything you can put your trust into. The people who most want to tell you that they can be trusted are those you can least afford to do so, sales representatives, politicians, insurance agents, and religious figures.

  You're a religious figure, can I trust you?

  As far as you can throw me. As I'm a skinny gothy type this depends on who's doing the throwing. Again its a matter of personal preference. I could be totally insane and spouting lies, or one of the most rational people around or both at the same time. There's always the chance that the Invisible Pink Unicorn is indeed sleeping at the foot of my bed and drinking my wine. Its a matter for one's personal consideration. The IPU is uncertain. It cannot be logically shown that the IPU exists or doesn't exist as much as you can tell if I'm lying or not. Most mundane heads would have exploded by now but if your cranium is still intact is it up to you gentle reader to ascertain the truth of the most holy Invisible Pink Unicorn.

  This doesn't make sense.

  That's the idea. The IPU doesn't make logical sense but neither do the laws of physics. They make sense to cult members who undergo a lengthy initiation, namely physicists. Nothing in the universe makes sense, the IPU is merely the first being to be honest about it. The universe just is, only logic makes us act in strange ways. Logic is what starts wars, causes misery, starts famine, and makes a really bad cup of tea. Rejecting logic is the first step to enlightenment. Logic is what tells you to cut your hair, buy sensible shoes, that your aspirations in life are a BMW, things from The Sharper Image catalogue, and that wearing velvet, lace and lots of mascara is a silly idea.

  Are there any religious tracts?

  Yes. The entire truth of the universe were inscribed on the sacred tablets of the IPU by the IPU itself. Unfortunately the tablets were comprised of the purest cubic zirconium and any attempt to read them using a light source results in blinding refraction effects that would sear the retina through welding glasses. Needless to say they're impossible to read and the IPU wasn't paying much attention to what was being written down and is struggling to remember. Oh well. You've seen one universal truth you've seen them all.

  Blessed Be Her Holy Hooves, Peace Be Unto Her, or May Her Hooves Never Be Shod,

  Blessed Be Her Holy Hooves, Peace Be Unto Her, or May Her Hooves Never Be Shod,
• 

  5go

  The Revelation of St. Bryce the Long-Winded (Partial) (v. 1.00, not valid with any other offer, all revelations subject to
  wholesale revisions without prior warning)
  
  Chapter 1
  1) Peace be unto the followers of the Invisible Pink Unicorn, whose
  works are without end, whose hooves are never shod, whose pinkness
  defies all description, and whose true name can neither be spoken nor
  written.
  2) The Invisible One (all praises be unto her) hath shown herself
  unto me, and revealed her True and Holy Works;
  3) Unto I, Saint Bryce the Long-winded, most unworthy.
  4) For, indeed, I have lived not in her sight. For I did indeed set
  at naught the counsel of the blessed children of the Invisible Pink
  One, defiling myself with the worship of the false god Yahweh, and his
  illegitimate child.
  5) Compounding sin upon sin, I heeded not the counsel of the prophet
  Wookie, and didst partake of the Holy Pinapple and Ham most
  unworthily. Amongst men, I am the most wretched, and the least
  deserving of her Pinkish Grace.
  6) But, behold, by her divine workings was I led unto the most sacred
  writing: The IPU FAQ.
  7) As I read, lo, the truth was revealed unto me, and I did believe
  on the name of Her Holy Horniness.
  8) And, recognizing my sinful ways, from the depths of despair did my
  soul cry out unto her.
  9) For I did see my unworthiness in Her sight, for I was a sinner,
  destined forever to spend existence in the presence of the unholy
  Purple Oyster;
  10) Waxing his shell and massaging his most wretched and slimy feet.
  11) For, lo, the Purple Oyster doth truly have feet, and the legs
  thereof, and the toes thereof, giving him dominion over all the clams
  of the seas, and allowing him to go unto the children of men, and
  tempt them unto destruction.
  12) And, behold, I decided this was a most icky way to spend an
  eternity, and thus did I call upon the Name of the Holy and Pink and
  Most Invisible of all Unicorns (whose name can neither be spoken or
  written);
  13) And as I began thus in the act of supplication and out-and-out
  brownnosing, behold, my computer screen was filled with a radiant
  purpleness, whose purpleness did exceed all understanding.
  14) And, lo, the spirit of the Purple Oyster was upon me, and I saw
  his most terrible jaws, and his most terrible and slimy tongue, which
  was the essence of his wickedness; for indeed this was the most
  despicable of all oysters, and he did smell of brine.
  15) And it came to pass that I did grapple with the most horrible
  creature, and he did consume me, and with the excretions of his mouth
  did he begin turning me into a Purple Pearl, therein to spend an
  infinitude of eternities in agony and wailing.
  16) But with my last breath did I cry out unto the Pink Unicorn for
  deliverance;
  17) And it came to pass that the galloping of a thousand hooves was
  heard, and the Purple One didst spit me out, and didst retreat from my
  sight.
  18) And, lo! a multitude of Mr. Eds, an exceeding number beyond any
  number which I had ever bothered to count, didst stampede through my
  house, upturning furniture, crushing lamps, and making couches into
  kindling; and they didst shout with a mighty voice, "Neigh! Neigh!"
  which, being interpreted, means, "Make way for the Holy Pink one,
  whose Hooves remain forever unshod, whose works are without end, and
  whose ways cannot be altered, nay, turned either to the East or unto
  the West, save that be the way which She hath chosen beforehand!"
  
  Chapter 2
  1) And, lo, a great beast did stand before me, having seven heads,
  and on each head were there seven mouths, and in each mouth were there
  seventy times seven teeth. For truly there were seven times seven
  times seven times seventy teeth, meaning there were. . . okay, carry
  the three, adding twenty. . . plus that extra tooth on the third mouth
  of the sixth head. . . Well, there were indeed a great many teeth.
  2) And behold, the mouths did speak many words which I cannot write,
  for they were all talking at once, and danged if I can keep track of
  even two conversations at once.
  3) But, behold, I did make out many sayings of great wisdom, for one
  of the mouths distinctly said, "Behold, prepare ye to meet our most
  holy Queen, the Invisible Pink Unicorn, who shall reveal many great
  and notable things unto you. And prepare ye to see the full measure
  of her Pinkness, though she will be invisible still";
  4) And I was about to ask how it was possible for a being to be both
  invisible and pink, but behold, a different mouth of a different head
  did bend close to me, saying, "Look!"
  5) And I saw the seven Pegasuses (Pegasi?), the avatars of the Pink
  One, flying through the heavens, each carrying a roll of Lifesavers
  (TM) in their teeth.
  6) And the beast with the seven heads and the forty-nine mouths and
  the innumerable teeth (for they were truly innumerable, for I am
  indeed a product of Public Education, which did nothing for my math
  skills) did speak with its forty-nine mouths, and did speak in unison,
  saying, "behold the Pegasi, avatars of the Invisible Pink Unicorn on
  this Earth, and behold the judgement of our most Intangible Queen."
  7) And behold, the first Pegasus did sound a piccolo, and didst open
  the roll of Lifesavers (TM). And I questioned how this could be, that
  any being had power to play a piccolo without hands, while opening a
  roll of Lifesavers (TM) with his teeth. And, lo, I did tremble in
  fear at this power.
  8) And it came to pass that the Lifesavers (TM) did spill unto the
  ground, and innumerable plagues did spring forth, burdening the
  unfaithful who could not accept both the pinkness and divine
  invisibility of the Holy One.
  9) And behold, I did see the chosen people of the Invisible Pink
  Unicorn, and they did stand in safe places, burning incense and
  praising Her, saying, "Holy, holy, holy is our IPU, for she is both
  invisible and pink, and she doth offer her protection unto us her most
  unworthy worshippers." And they did partake of the holy pineapple and
  ham, as a worthy sacrament, and indeed, they were not harmed.
• 

  PrimateDave

  Strange... Um. Strange.
  
  And here I thought that my clothes turned pink in the washing machine because of those bright red swim shorts I bought. Well, thanks to Her Horniness!
  
  Dave
• 

  5go

  Funny no no has done any FSM proof.