by Introspection 7 Replies latest social relationships
Actually the subject pretty much sums it up. I wanted to ask you guys, have you ever had a relationship where you can just be with the person, not so much be busy doing this and that? Maybe this sounds boring but if anything I think that's what I'd be looking for..
"It is an absolute truth that there is no such thing as absolute truth, and you absolutely cannot know it, In My Humble Opinion."
What, 32 reads and no thoughts? Mind you, that quote is completely unrelated, I was just having a little fun.. There are certainly enough fools who just think they know the truth. Just thought I clear that up.
Intro, when do you find that special person, you'll proabably be somewhere in between.
We don't really do any sporting interest together (totally different ends of the spectrum) but we do enjoy each other's company, esp on weekends when we have a chance to reconnect.
I'm not really one into spending a lot of money just to 'do' things--I prefer festivals, street fairs, etc.
So I think your question is a good one.
Lisa
Intro, if people need to constantly "be doing something" together, I think they have to work on how to just "be". No distractions. This is how you find out who each other really is.
April
"Love never dies." Voivodul Vlad Draculea (from Bram Stoker's Dracula-1992)
i think that's what's more common here...from where i'm coming from i think people are more conservative..i'm still quite in culture shock as most who post here come from the west...
oooopsssss i got in a wrong way hehe...my bad..
(((((((intro)))))))
Excellent question.And not at all boring,in fact quite relevant considering the high control group we came from where 'performing or not instilled a
distorted sense of' being' in many of us.
Well,speaking from personal experience,I long ago had to work on just 'being'. Once you learn that for yourself,it can carry over into any relationship.
When I say 'being' I mean knowing and accepting the 'self',in the sense of having worth and esteem,not 'performing' in order to garner others approval to be affirmed and validated.
We all received garbage messages from the org. and also our parents(who were influenced similarly) that 'what we did' was more important that 'who we are'.
We were given no positive messages on 'being'.No messages that affirmed,validated our existence,our choices,acknowledged our talents and abilities,ideas and plans.
Unless we were 'doing'. Doing to please them and the orgs expectations,attempting to live up to fantastically unreasonable expectations,striving for the insane ideal of perfectionism,feeling like whatever we were'doing' wasn't enough....we were made to feel small unworthy inadequate guilty .
Oftentimes we've brought this compulsive need to be doing into relationships. And as that doing created a wall of denial about self,a dividing wall,an unhealthy block for honest emotions and communication.
Some are so afraid of sharing honest feelings and emotions that this doing/busyness becomes a defense mechanism.It defends against the self they feel is inadequate and not worth knowing and loving.
Anyway,to make a long story short,putting aside 'doing' in a relationship allows you to focus on your self,feelings and the feelings of the person with you! It causes a deep appreciation and bonding between you two. Without the distraction of 'doing',it becomes a growing and learning experience for both. It's helps create real intimacy.
When just 'being'you can become like children together,no embarrassments,you learn to ask for what you want and need.You develop a sense of humor. You get to know that you deserve closeness,care and attention.(positive kind,not game playing kind).
You can laugh plan fight share ideas with high energy. You learn to accept and appreciate change in each other because change and reality are linked,since little remains the same as you grow and actualize.You become more egalitarian with out having authority issues,knowing that you switch back and forth with both your strengths when needed. Most of this cannot be learned when in a state of constant 'doing'.
In essence,'being' is knowing accepting and loving yourself. Without that it is impossible to know accept and truly love another.
Sorry for the ramble,but I thought this quite an important concept you brought up. This is crucial for personal happiness and satisfaction in any relationship.As Lisa said,being is about connecting.JMHO FWIW here.
luv,tina
si hoc legere scis nimium eruditionis habes
Hi Tina, thank you for those thoughts. I think the idea is really pretty basic, it's just a matter of being yourself. If you don't like it, do something to change it. I think the problem is denial, you have to see where you're at now and accept that before you decide to go in some new direction.
In terms of relationships, I think it only makes sense to just be yourself if you want to find someone who appreciates you for who you are. In fact, I don't think there's any other way to relate to other people. Of course, for some of us it's not a good idea to act as nutty as we are in front of anyone and everyone we meet, but there's certainly no point in trying to be someone you're not. It seems to me it's just a matter of being honest to both yourself and others.
Even with that attitude, I think it's a challenge to form meaningful relationships sometimes, especially in the busy world we live in. We spend so little time with each other - Alvin Toffler's Future Shock comes to mind.. So why make it even harder on ourselves by trying to be something we're not?
