Dearest Wings:
I truly understand how you feel. I too went through a similar situation, however, I was raising my own child, who at the time was 12 years old. I found my self fading as well. The problem for me was that not only was I what they called "spiritually sick" (I didn't feel that way)., but I was physically ill. The problem was, no one took notice of my physical illness which led me to mental illness. My husband, who was supposed to be my best friend, basically ignored my pain...all of my pain. He was more concerned about how HE was going to look in the congregations' eyes. Either way, with this being about you and not about me, I would like to tell you to remain true to yourself. I know you probably don't even know what that is yet, but as time goes on...you will. You will have to make a decision sooner or later. It doesn't mean that you have to end your marriage, however, it may mean that he will have to understand that you do not feel the same way that he does about going to the meetings etc. For many, it does mean the end of their marriage, so I would begin to mentally prepare yourself if I were you. It is very difficult to live with someone who is going to meetings and expecting you to go along with the status quo. It puts up a wall., the intimacy goes away and you become more like room mates. If that is something that you can put up with, then you have the option of talking to him and telling him that you just cannot attend meetings anymore, you are just not feeling the same way he does. No doubt, he will have questions for you...and you can either answer them, or just continue to repeat to him that that's your decision and you would appreciate it if he respected it, the same way you plan to respect him and him going to the meetings. As far as raising your grand child., if you are basically the main caretaker of the child and make most of the decisions about their care, then you should ask him to respect your wishes as far as talking with the child (That, I will tell you, will NOT happen, because he will find a way to talk with her without your knowledge). Your other option of course is to make plans to leave and take the child with you if you have full custody or guardianship. Either way, I understand that it will not be easy at first, but the main thing is your happiness. If you cannot be happy attending meetings, and you do not feel that this is something that you can do anymore, then communication always works best. Talk to him about it and see if you can come to a reasonably amicable agreement (even if it is to separate and/or divorce). The reason why we become stressed about these kinds of things is because, inside, we know that we really want to be "set free" but because there's a family member or others pulling at us, we sometimes fear hurting them, or causing a problem, so many just choose to suffer in silence. That would not be the best thing to do, you'll only be opening yourself up for a severe case of clinical depression. I chose to leave, and once I did....I never looked back.
I hope all goes well for you Wings. Please feel free to write me at anytime if you need to talk...I'll be here for you.
Radioladie
voicework "at" yahoo.com
