Did we really believe this ?
[ edit ] Beliefs
[ edit ] Regarding Jesus
- Despite contrary popular opinion Jehovah's Witnesses do believe in Jesus. They don't on the otherhand believe he is God. They believe that their God Jehovah Raised him up out of the grave. Which means Jehovah's Witnesses believe in what the scholars call Zombie Jesus. They also believe that Jesus was not nailed to a cross but, to a steak. What type of steak has lead to many near schisms mainly between the T-boners and the Porterhouses. This was settled by President Nathan Homer “ The Simpson” Knorr from a southern state. He officaly declared it to be a chicken fried steak.
[ edit ] Regarding Blood
- Jehovah's Witnesses also forbid the eating or drinking of blood. Which why they have such a hard time making head way in the country of Transylvania.
[ edit ] The name Jehovah
- The name Jehovah drives from the name Jenova from Final Fantasy VII. FF VII was Pastor Russel's favorite game. Though When he started using the name Jenova from the pulpit he was sued by Sony. That forced Russel to change God's name to Jehovah and also refer to God as a him. But, Russel did reserve to right to use Sephiroth's and Cloud's image's for use in his books. Though sadly he died before doing so.
[ edit ] Doomsday Predictions
- Russell said the end of the world is coming. He based this on Revelation, the Biblical description of the end of the world, and on Jesus' promise He would come down to Earth in an event variously called the Apocalypse, the Second Coming (now dissproven, as it was found only females experience multiple orgasms), and the establishment of the Kingdom of God.
[ edit ] Salvation
A few of the 144,000 taking an airplane to Heaven
- Russell also said that 144,000 Loyal Chosen of Jehovah's Witnesses are going to go to Heaven. Russel and his sucsessors are the only known loyal chosen to have existed. Which means that the earth will most likely endure the plaque of satarday morning door knockings and poorly written publications for quite a while till this number is filled.
[ edit ] Moral Stance
- Jehovah's Witnesses are also against gay sex and prostitution. This they have in common with Catholics, Muslims, and Baptists, of course. Mind you, individual Catholic priests engage in buggery and individual Christian preachers hire prostitutes. No doubt individual Jehovah's Witnesses are no different.
- The Witnesses don't like Halloween because pumpkins are pagan, they don't like birthdays because it aggrandizes the individual, and they don't like Easter because marshmallow Peeps disagree with their stomachs and are pagan. And they believe Jesus died on a stake and that was pagan. That's right, old Farmer Pilate put Jesus on a wooden stake and crucified him -- which is nonsensical, since "crucify" implies a "cross". They also believe the Fourth of July is a pagan celebration as well as Thanksgiving, Labor Day(because it celebrates labor, and Flag Day. Infact every holiday except the one they celebrate they believe is pagan. The one holiday they celebrate is memorial of christ death which stems from the pagan festival of the vernal equinox and the earth's regeneration after the winter.
- Though one may be tempted to knock on a Jehovah's Witnesses door and preach to them because of the annoyance they give to you, do not do it. The reason not to knock on the door of a Jehovah's Witness is simple. In doing so one may start Armegeddon. In fact the only person ever to do so was the Mormon missionary named Brigham Young. In order to prevent the apocolypse from coming to the world he was erased from timeline. Though the insident is still thought to have caused the mass migration of mormons from their homeland in the eastern U.S. to Utah in the 1800's.
[ edit ] Persecution of Jehovah’s Witnesses
- In the 30s and 40’s the Jehovah’s Witnesses a ledge that they were persecuted by the Nazi regime. Recent evidence has come to light that may back their story up. Seems JW the acronym for Jehovah’ witness can be easily changed to Jew by adding an E in between the J and the W . That means that all documents the say the Nazi’s were killing Jews were tampered with . Who could of done this well some say there is a Jewish conspiracy to take the world hence why the Jews were persecuted but, this proves that it was the Jehovah’s Witnesses that were trying to take over the world using the world's banking system.
