My wife is having a problem. She has so many issues and is always talking to her parents about them. They consistently agree with her, to the point that they skip meeting where things they don't agree with are discussed. No matter how serious the issue they still tell her she has to be loyal to the organization and no matter what, she is doing what Jehovah says, not the organization's. This is driving me nuts. My wife agrees with me but does not want to disappoint her parents. How can I support her? What can I tell her?
Need help with parents
by 5thGeneration 8 Replies latest jw friends
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Highlander
They consistently agree with her, to the point that they skip meeting where things they don't agree with are discussed.
Get her to disagree with everything WT related and then she'll have to skip all the meetings.
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Madame Quixote
?Tell her that you love and respect her, but not the religion?
Am I the only one confused by this post?
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5thGeneration
I do tell her but she loves her parents and doesn't want to disappoint them.
Am I the only one that is NOT confused by this?
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38 Years
Well, this is the way I told my devout JW mother. We weren't in the same congregation, so for a couple of months, I didn't think I could tell her at all. Then it just couldn't wait any longer since she talks about the Kingdom Hall and Watchtower all the time. I started out by saying that I had never told her this but I had been miserable in "The Truth" for about 20 years. She seemed surprised. That amazed me since I had been inactive for years and barely went to the meetings. Anyway, I told her that I really tried very hard and prayed to do better, but it wasn't happening. She seemed okay when I told her that I was still going to read the Bible and live as a good Christian. I further told her that I would not try to make her leave, and I knew that she was very happy as a Witness. Then she started asking the typical questions about Armegeddon and the New Order so I had to tell her I hadn't agreed with what the Witnesses teach for many years. She said that she did and that they were Jehovah's people. I told her again that I was glad she was happy and but I wasn't.
She kept up with the objections and I decided I had to tell her that I had done some research and found out many disturbing and shocking things about what was going on with the Governing Body during our 38 years of being Witnesses. She got a little defensive, the typical, "you can't believe what is printed", "everyone's against Jehovah's organization", etc. I told her I probably know more about what is happening in Brooklyn than the congregation members, and I asked her if she knew who the current President of the WBTS was. She didn't, of course, but she thinks that's okay.
A couple weeks later, she told me she was going to talk to a brother that she could trust about me because it was bothering her. I told her about the risk of getting me disfellowshipped and that would effect my son more than it would her and I. I told her that since I had faded, a disfellowshipping would be like quitting a job and the employer hunting you down to fire you. She said she would talk to me anyway if I were disfellowshipped, she just couldn't talk to me about religion. (Actually, that would make my day )
On her way to see the brother, she rear-ended the car in front of her. She was fine but the car was totalled. I was glad that she wasn't hurt. I love my mom, and she loves my sister and I very much. It was pretty ironic to smash up your car and walk away from it on the way to have a "spiritual" conversation with an Elder. I almost suggested to her that it was a sign that maybe it wasn't a good idea. I don't think she ever followed up with that brother, she hasn't mentioned it since.
You know your family. I would say to mentally prepare for the worst and how to respond. It might go better than you expected. I expected my Mom to cry and carry on like I was dying. But she's fine. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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nvrgnbk
I feel your pain.
I've had little success with a similar situation, so I offer only empathy.
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Mum
Your situation is typical of the Watchtower tactic of making people "pleasers of men," something they rail against but, in reality, force their adherents to do every day. So being true to yourself and trusting you own eyes and ears and mind become too scary. This approval seeking behavior is rampant among women, especially those in cults.
Maybe each day you could persuade her to be true to herself one time instead of trying to fix everything all at once. Just tell her you know it takes courage to change the way she has always done things, but that this day only, you are asking her to be true to herself. After she finds the courage to do it a few times, her courage should increase. It is a great feeling to stand up to somebody after being their doormat for years. I can attest to this personally.
Take it slowly, one thing at a time, inch by inch.
Best wishes,
SandraC
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jaguarbass
Tell her first there is a mountain, then there is no mountain, then there is.
Get back to me in the morning.
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sass_my_frass
I'm trying to think of what it took for me to let go of the need for approval from my folks, and I can't. Suddenly, they weren't my problem any more. I think Mr Frass helped in that he has made me appreciate myself, and think about myself more; my life, where I'm going, our future. I had to accept that I'm never going to please them, and convince myself that this is okay. It was hard, because I really love my parents, but that's a different thing to agreeing to set myself back to please them.
It feels selfish, but it really isn't. Our parents have had their chance to influence us, and there is an age at which we have to make our own choices. Your wife and I are well past that age.