Fading With Children

Paralipomenon

I have, for the most part successfully faded. No elders calling, my parents know I don't attend meetings, but have a don't ask/don't tell policy. They don't ask if I went to a meeting, I don't tell them I haven't.

It's pretty good so far.

But it's getting harder as my children grow older. They want to do things with their grandparents (my parents) but I have to coach them on not talking about certain topics. It's getting annoying.

For others that faded with children. Did you at least level with your family members about holidays, or just carry on while everyone ignores the elephant in the room?

38 Years

My opinion is that the burden needs to fall on both sides. Your parents need to know their boundaries when it comes to their grandchildren (leave their beliefs at the door, so to speak). A little preparation from you to the children while visiting their grandparents won't hurt. The children should just have fun and enjoy their family. It's wonderful that they want to enjoy your parents. It's a compliment to you and how you have raised them.

I decided to quit when my son was 9 years old. We faded and he didn't mind because he hated going to meetings. As we know, meetings are too hard on all the kids. Anyway, he had a very hard time because his grandma must have told him about consequences when you leave the witnesses. He would never tell me exactly what was bothering him so much, so I had to guess. He told me I was breaking up the family. He would get very upset. So, when I told my Mom that I quit, I asked her very nicely to never talk about the WBTS stuff again to her grandson, that it was confusing him. I told her what my plans were for nurturing his beliefs in God and religion but he had the right to decide these things for himself. Even if he was still attending the KH, he would have to decide for himself. Everything I told her was in the best interest for my son. I never requested anything for myself. She said she would respect my wishes. As for my son, we decided together to make some specific compromises and met my mom and my JW sister half way. My mom gave me trouble at first, but I explained to her that if we don't get together when my sister and I have time off, someday the kids will be grown and we won't be all together again. On our days off for the holidays, we would get together at my sister's house where there would not be a Christmas tree. They stay away from my house so they don't have to see the Christmas tree, B-day decorations, etc. It didn't take long for everything to be alright for my son. He was happy.

One thing I did was I started talking to my son about how our family started with the JWs and why I left. I was very honest with him that I didn't know I was in a religion that was not healthy for us. We were going to have a better life. I apologized to him about being mean to him about the meetings. He seemed impressed with that. I told him that Grandma was happy. But I told him we would always respect what Grandma wants, and we will always work things out. He's gotten older and is okay with the changes, he just wants to spend time with his family.

I remember an article I read about explaining things to your children when leaving the Dubs. If you think it will help, I'll see if I can find it.

NotaNess

What I would do is show up at their door, wearing a Santa outfit, holding an Easter Basket and a live turkey on a leash. When they open the door say..."we need to talk".

I'd love to see their faces with that!

Seriously, I hope it all goes well for you.

bernadette

we're carrying on while everyone ignores the elephant in the room so to speak.

For example my daughter's birthday is coming up (she and I are fading). My non jdub family are celebrating with a meal at a nice restaurant. My jdub husband has agreed to come because we've said that its a wedding anniversary celebration (fortunately there is a wedding anniversay coming up in the near future). He knows that its really a birthday celebration but he also knows that we arn't going to make it obvious.

In your situation its more tricky because children are very spontaneous. I wish you the best.

freedomloverr

having kids adds a whole huge dimension to fading. we are dealing with it with some family members. the members that would play mind games with our kids when we weren't in the room, are not allowed to even see our kids. we won't expose them to that. those members won't agree to keep their mouths shut so they don't get to see the kids.

I do have one relative that is very torn over our choice and won't shun us but would literally get ill (and she's old) if she knew how we do holidays and b-days. (gasp!)

with this relative we explained it this way to our kids - "we are going to be around so-and-so this weekend. she loves you very much but she thinks that holidays and b-days are bad. (the kids usually laugh and roll eyeballs here) so while we are around her I don't want to hurt her feelings so let's try not to bring up that subject. it's kind of like when someone in the room is overweight. we don't talk about that because we don't want to hurt their feelings." the kids totally get this reasoning. it also teaches a little social etiquette.

they also now that if the subject slips they won't be in trouble.

this relative would rather live in denial anyway. most dubs I know would rather *pretend* they don't know about the *bad* things we do.

delilah

It was easy for me to fade too, as my husband had already been Df'd...with NO intentions of ever returning to the vomit we know as the "truth". He only got baptized to please me anyways... He immediately incorporated ALL the holidays into our lives, which delighted all of us.....especially me ...My kids had no problems adjusting to their new lives.

My parents know we celebrate everything, ( I have nephews who were here for a couple of Christmas's, and they reported back to all my JW relatives ) and they say nothing. Except to occasionally tell me that we need to get back to meetings, because "armaggeddon is coming and the kids will die you know".....

Best of luck to you and yours on your fade. I know it can be very difficult.

Scully

My parents didn't give us an option when my siblings and I were kids about stopping the celebration of holidays that we had enjoyed. They were becoming JWs, and imposed that choice on us.

They don't get a voice in the matter now that I'm the adult.

It's kind of weird, really. The reaction was much worse when they realized that we observed Christmas than when they learned that I had decided that I was atheist.

sweet pea

Thanks for this post P - it's given me food for thought for how to handle my in-laws and their relationship with our boys in the future!

Mrs Smith

Hi Sweet Pea

I have a funny story about this. We don't often see my parents as they live far from us. About two and a half years ago they came to visit us for a two week holiday. I did not have leave for the first week of their visit but my kids were already on school holyday and so would be spending time with their garndparents without our supervision. I had told them not to say anything to them about birthdays and church etc. My mother however asked my son if we go to meetings to which my daughter only 7 years old at the time answered "yes, we go to church all the time". When I got home from work my mom looked really P**sed Off!! My son called me into the bedroom and told me what happened. I decided to wait until my mom said something about it but she never did. The next day she was back to her cheerful self and to this day has never mentioned the incident.

The only concern for me was that my son and daughter both felt like they had done something wrong. I had to explain to them that we have to live our lives the way we want and it has nothing to do with anyone else. I have stopped telling my kids what they can and cannot say to their JW relatives. So far both sets of parents know that we have faded and that we attened a Christian church and neither of them have spoken to the elders about it.

I think both my hubby and my parents can see that this is what we have chosen for our family and if they want to have any contact with the children they had better tow the line. If they decided to shun us they must realise that it's their decision and not ours to cut contact.

Fading With Children

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