After 12 months I am now at the pinnacle of some considerable change in my life, a time of consolidation and reflection; I thought I would share my journey.
When someone joins JWD they often post a biography to highlight how they come to be where they are at and what stage they are at in their recovery from spiritual abuse; I did and my biography spanned my childhood and into early adulthood. Some of it was hard to write, and caused some bitterness to raise its head again, luckily it was shortlived and I hope that my experiences in one way or another have helped others.
I didnt write that much about how I attained mental and psychological freedom from Jehovahs Witnesses and the Watchtower Society but its important as it drove the massive and considerable change I have seen in the last 12 months and ultimately my spirtual freedom. This freedom then led to a subsequent release from a restriction of what I always felt was natural. The end result is a balance I have never experienced before in my life and a contentment that I cannot shake.
As many feel when they reach a realisation that the Watchtower Society is a spiritual fraud, I felt anger and an insecurity that was difficult to rectify; being an avid reader I found JWD whilst daring myself to google 'Jehovahs Witnesses'. I felt this even though I had not been to a meeting in a decade or so but its surprising how much longeivity the indoctrination has.
I made a point to obtain as much information as possible about the organisation and not just rely upon their heavily biased information and rhetoric. The pieces began to fit together one by one and whilst I had much to learn I knew I was right to carry on obtaining this information. The first realisation is that I was not unique in my experiences; I was not the only one to have suffered as I and others I knew had. Its funny how you think that you must belong to a rogue congregation and that it must be different elsewhere but this is erroneous and the sooner we realise that most JWs or exJWs will have the same or similar experiences, the better.
Some delve into doctrinal issues but for me I didnt see the need; I knew somehow that I didnt want to worship a God that was a misogynist and genocidal - Differences or discrepancies on doctrinal issues would not resolve this position so I knew that on a more fundamental level that the witnesses did not have the 'truth'. But how could I 'really' know and stop the panic attacks about impending doom and my lack of salvation?
Again the trick for me was to read more about the WTS tactics for indoctrination and mind control - some non jw books assisted too such as Steven Hassans, Combatting Cult Mind Control. You realise that they had us by our proverbial bollocks on a psychological level and that the methods they use are extremely underhanded and subtle; you don't even recognise it when you are inside the organisation. The more you learn the more you resist; the more you resist the more you recover!
Swapping a thought of impending doom (you know the ones where you go 'what if?') with a thought that debunked the original was the only way to go. Even 13 years later I still get little doubts but largely they last for a second or two and life goes on; they become less and less frequent as life goes on too.
But despite no longer being religious there was a massive void on a spiritual level; since being a child I loved the outdoors and I always entertained the view that the closer we are to creation, the closer we are to a creator (however we perceive one to be); I could not grasp that 'it' all depended on how many hours I did in the ministry or how many meetings I attended regularly. I could not grasp how the WTS could be so dogmatic about certain idealogies, and then change their minds - but like many I blindly went along with it until my exit.
I suppose you could say that I held ideas that were largely considered 'pagan' even then but I didnt have the capacity to act on them or to investigate those ideas any further; the relationship and relatively short marriage I was in at this time last year had become extremely strained and our fundamental differences (amongst other issues) were taking their toll. Even my time on here and time taken to heal was resented and derided and I could no longer continue in it. I left in July 2006 and this was the hardest decision I have ever made in my life.
It wasnt long before a friend who I had known for some time became 'more than a friend' and new beginnings blossomed and whilst the timing was lousy the sychronicity of our meeting couldnt be ignored. Dawn had been pagan for a number of years but her path was entirely different to what I believed but despite this, there was as there is usually amongst the pagan community, a sense of tolerance and understanding. My love of nature and the land, my strong connection with my Celtic roots and the Celtic pantheon led me to read more about Druidry its modern day practice and incorporation into contemporary life.
I have done nothing but read in the last 12 months - I have had the freedom to be and to develop my spirituality which has always been there but just didnt have an outlet or opportunity to progress. What I quickly understood was that there is nothing dogmatic about my path and much depends upon personal experience; things will always develop, new things will be learned and I quickly discerned that I could take bits from any path and adapt it to my own without fear of derision, intolerance or any negative consequences.
What I have experienced and continue to experience is true spiritual freedom which I wouldve not thought possible previously - As I have previously mentioned I am experiencing a balance that I cannot shake; and the laughable misconceptions about worshipping demons or the devil are just that, laughable! I will be spending this next twelve months visiting as many sacred sites as I possibly can; Avebury, Glastonbury, Stonehenge, Castlerigg, Long Meg, Capel Gorman, are but a few that have touched me in so many ways so far.
So when I look back on the last twelve months and put it into perspective, I know things havent been easy with tough decisions being made but the end result has been positive; a fabulous partner, my spiritual void being filled and continuing to be expanded.
Just wanted to share.