I have been out of the JW org. for over 16 years now. I'll just say that I'm not the most "mentally strong" person as it took me 14 of those years avoiding my problems, and 2 to really deal with it. I came on-line a few weeks ago to find out how JW's were dealing w/the recent tragic events, and the subsequent research & studying I've been doing is moving my life in a whole new direction, full of hope & serenity that I never have experienced before.
I was born into the JW's. Actually, my mother met my father (a baptist) and he told her as long as she would sleep w/him, he'd study w/her. She fell for it and became pregnant w/me (she was only privately reproved because she mis-understood the verse about doing whatever it took to bring another to gods truth). Anyways, they got married & my father promised to let her raise me & the subsequent 4 children in her faith as he didn't really practice his. This would prove to be a "challenge" over the course of my childhood as all can imagine (holidays, birthdays and lots of other things JW children can't do). But somehow they withstood 29 years of marriage.
Fear overwhelmed my entire childhood (and large parts of adulthood). When I was 5, we watched Nazi films at our cong. and were told how we would be persecuted, taken away from our parents, perhaps buried alive
or have our skin peeled off layer by layer for our beliefs. I remember so vividly because it was such a large part of who & what I became. In talking to my mother after the talk, she reconfirmed that I would be stripped from her and persecuted to the point I might die. How you calmly explain this to a child of 5 I'll never understand, and will never want too. This, based on the following has led me to where I am today, still struggling & trying to understand.
My "sexual molesting" began before the age of 3 by a person that was never baptized and eventually left the truth. Rape was a weekly affair, all the while being told that it was my fault & I couldn't tell or I would be in big trouble (by the time I was 5 - I figured out what trouble was & didn't want that to happen!). My parents never had a clue - the warning signs weren't exactly common knowlege. They at first thought I had a mental imbalance, as I was a very intelligent child - I could read the bible by 5 but would go months without speaking to anyone, unless it was answering a question at the meetings. When I realized what was happening to me, it was already firmly indoctrinated into my brain that it was my fault, so I stayed silent. I began praying earnestly to Jehovah, and even called out to him while being raped, but to no avail. This only further compounded my belief that I caused it, that I was a "sinner" and that I had to change my ways or be killed at Armageddon & not be worthy of eternal life. This continued until I was 12. At that point, I decided that I was a "goner" and that I would take the cowardly way out and kill myself instead of dying at Armagedon after the Great Tribulation. My mother caught me, and I finally confessed all my "sins" so that she would let me finish, knowing that her daughter was not fit for Gods kingdom on earth. To sum up, the abuse by that particular person ended, and I was beat for trying to take my own life (Spare the rod - spoil the child was her favorite saying - and she never spared anything!). Within that year, we moved to a new congregation. Our old congregation was a population much like us, average/poor income families. When my Grandmother became ill, we sold our home and moved in with her, a house 180 years old in an area under new development ($500,000 houses - back in 1978 that was alot!). Needless to say, our new congregation was made up of wealthy people. We stuck out like sore thumbs. No one will ever convince me that $$ don't talk in this religion. They could not say this if they saw the way my family was treated. My mother was poor, with a non-believing mate & 5 children. We were already for the most part "shunned" by the entire congregation. It took 2 years for me to make a couple of friends. These friends were sisters of one of the elders, and I still to this day am eternally grateful. They were kind to me and included me in the other activities, things which I had never been invited too (and still weren't - they brought me along anyways). For the first time, I went to parties, roller-skating & social activities. Although most of the other kids ignored me, and some even called me a "fake", I ignored it all. The fact that all the elders wives would only pick other elders children to "spiritually guide" by selecting for the privilege of working with them in service - I ignored this. My younger siblings all basically Da'd themselves when my father became angry w/this cong. treatment of his children, and told them they didn't have to go if they didn't want to. I ignored this too, I wanted to serve Jah. I was auxiliary pioneering from 14 on, and by 15 was a regular pioneer.
Although this may seem contradictory, I did develop "normal" crushes on boys. On the few occasions where I would attend social gatherings, it seemed as if I had a huge "SLUT" sticker on my forehead. I was continuously backed into corners/back rooms & groped by some JW brothers (both MS). After about 6 of these instances, I stopped having any social activity with JW children except my 2 girlfriends. I made them swear not to tell, because as I already believed, I had once again caused these situations to happen, and I just needed to be serving Jah more faithfully to cleanse these "sins" of mine - this is why I went into regular pioneering.
A new family began attending our congregation when I was 15, and among them was a 22 year old gorgeous man. He was so kind to me, so loving and gentle. I told him all my secrets, and he didn't judge, he told me he loved me. Within 4 months, we were engaged to be married (yes - a 15 year old w/a 22 year old - not uncommon). My father hit the roof to be sure, but I just waved him off by this point as an "unbeliever" and didn't pay any attention to the things he would try and teach me (something I will regret eternally). Within 2 months of our engagement, the whole sex thing again reared its ugly head. I NEVER "let" this man do the things he did, but I am guilty of still wanting to be with him, regardless of his short-comings. Although its probably a matter of "personal" opinion, I now in hindsight look at these occasions as "date rape" - I just don't know if you can count it as that when its a more than once thing. It always began the same way, he would lure me out (willingly) to go somewhere to be with a group, and then take me to a secluded spot so "we could be alone for a change". Then, he would force me to have sex with him, even though I cried, begged & struggled. Afterwards, he would be so repentent, to the point of tears, that I would forgive him, nor would I tell because I didn't want him to get in trouble for making a human mistake. I also thought that perhaps God wouldn't mind so much, after all we were to be married. Needless to say, suspicions became aroused and we were called in for a JC (separately). My meeting was the 1st time any of these men had ever talked to me. Their gentle beginning statements and the kindness that they showed at first - I was more than eager to confess all my "sins" - even those w/the MS and my earlier childhood. To say they were shocked is an understatement. But then they got increasingly more hostile. One actually accused me of lying & trying to deflect the truth of who & what I was (and I honestly was taking ALL responsibility for all the different situations). One told me I was so in fear of man, was making up the "accusations" to get myself out of trouble. I told them I wasn't accusing anyone - I took full responsibility. They asked me if I admitted to luring these men/boys into these acts, and I was so confused I said "yes of course it was my fault". They disregarded the information of how I struggled, since I did not scream on most instances. They then informed me that my "fiancee" was also "fornicating" with one of the elders daughters and he was definitely going to be disfellowshipped. They asked me if I would still marry this person, and although my heart was torn open & I was emotionally & mentally gone, I responded that I would, as I knew it's what God must want based on the circumstances. I was immediately DF'd at the following meeting, my fiancee was DF'd, the MS boys - nothing and the elders daughter publically reproved. For the next 2 months I tried to go to all the meetings and show how sorry I was. Every night I would cry myself to sleep at how shameful and sinful I was. Every day, tearful confrontations & guilt so heavily laid on me by my own mother that my father quietly suggested I should move out to get away from the pain. I was 16, alone in the world with only my father's support and love. He helped me get set up in an apartment, and paid 1/2 the expenses until I could find a roommate. Somehow I managed to work 2 jobs & still go to high school, although I stopped going to meetings - I couldn't take the "shunning" anymore. I graduated a semester early and began my life as a Df'd person. At first, the only friends I was able to make were the "really worldly ones" - drug users & the what not. I married the 1st guy who proposed, and by the time I was 18 had my first child. He was a drug user & abuser, and after 4 years I moved out w/our 3 year old son. It was that day I began to build a "real" life for me and my child. I got promotions/raises at work and was able to build a real home for my son. Men would come in and out of my life, I didn't really want them there, but sometimes would feel so lonely. I developed a few close friends, but to this day seem unable to make lasting life-long connections. When I was 26 I met my present husband and we have a beautiful 5 year old son. His love, his patience and understanding and friendship was what finally gave me the strength to take another look at my spiritual side, although he doesn't practice any religion. He is controlling and has a quick temper, so I fear for our future, but as of yet has never resorted to violence. He comes from a dysfunctional (go figure) family as well, so we are both striving to build a family life devoid of the demons.
That's were I am today. I still have nightmares more than regularly, I still feel pain. The anger comes to the surface every once in awhile, especially when the JW's on some of these boards hint that perhaps us ex-JW's are untruthful or just to "spiritually weak". They can't know the pain, the non-ending torment that stuff like this causes. My biggest questions have always been "why would God's true organization allow this to happen? Why wouldn't God answer my prayers/pleas? Did he already know I was unworthy of his Kingdom?"
Then, 9/11 happened and I wanted to see what the JW's were saying - perhaps "this was it". In my research, I found silentlambs, and so many other horror stories that I couldn't believe it!!! So many like me, so many with stories so much more tragic than my own! My heart rejoiced on one hand for knowing I wasn't alone, and I'm crying from the bottom of my soul to know others have experienced the same trauma at the hands of THEIR RELIGION!!! At the hands of trying to faithfully serve God. That's the biggest hypocrisy of all.