Life prior to me being a Jehovah's Witness was difficult at best. I learnt not to cry, i learnt not to feel disappointment when my Dad didn't turn up for me, when Mum didn't come home some nights and i was left with other family and i learnt to hide my feelings well, even from myself.
The Witnesses seemed like good people, they wanted to help us and i was too young to understand motive. They helped us get out of the mess we were in, and we came so far from the Homeless Accomodation to being housed - things seemed to get better and better.
When Mum became a Jehovah's Witness again, she took it on for life. Mum was scared of the world because her experience of it had taught her to fear it and to fear herself and her own ability to choose. It was much easier to be told what to do, obviously as a minor i was made to take on her choices and eventually i 'made the truth my own'.
We had a weird 'demonic experience' that really affected me for a long time, even as a very young teenager i needed a light on, despite not being soft because of it...scary stuff. We decided it was the demons unhappy we'd found the truth and that they hadn't got in because of Jehovah.
The truth was supposed to be liberating, the truth was supposed to make me 'better' but in reality the truth slowly erased any traces of emerging and maturing personality until i was a rank and file witless, looking to serve my fellow witness. I never really questioned any of it until i left for other reasons - ie; Stepdad treating me really badly, being manipulative, making things up, acting strangely and when i did i felt i had somehow failed, and because i had no confidence i went back to the meetings occasionally to try and see how deep the water i was in went.
The hypocrisy was incredible, when i chose to get Baptised and Confirmed at a Local Church i was given a choice by mum, either dont go ahead with it or be kicked out. Several of the strings that held me and Mum together, despite the past snapped and i've yet to fix them. I was allowed as a Witness to go on doors, i was old enough for that, i was old enough to CHOOSE to progress in the truth and become an unbaptized pub. but yet i couldnt make progress elsewhere?
I have learned more in the past two years here than i have ever, and now with Megan and a son i've felt love like i have never done before with anyone, and in the process i've established a new and different bond with my mum (it wont ever be the same). My heart is no longer struggling with Love but has grown to allow it and accept it, i am no longer alone.
JWD has been a lifeline and i realise now what truth is. the truth is, what we make it. we have the ability to think and reason to do just that, the Society tried to rob me and so many of us of our freedom and the truth is that they failed and continue to fail. I know i've had health issues recently but things look a lot more positive and have a warmer ambience now Noah is in the world. I urge any Witness sitting there reading this to take some steps to see what is going on and take matters into their own hands and i urge the people on this site to keep on going, a few have taken their lives in the past and i know now its not the way to deal with things, because that isnt liberation that is escapism.
I still struggle to cry, i still stuggle to express how i feel but tomorrow will give me the chance to try harder. And YOU