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bonnie95

I just found this forum since I have lost all my friends (yes I was disfellowshiped two weeks ago). Pain is so great. I was married (going on 20 years) to a man who was in the congregation but was abusive to me the whole time ... physical at first then switched to mind games that threw me into a depression for years. We had countless "meetings" with the elders and the advice ( I was told to endue ... endure ... endure) but once the doors were closed and no one was there ... it was so difficult. I left him two times before, for short periods, but since we had small children and I felt they needed their father so I would go back. My kids are older now and they said they appreciate me staying but it was time for me to go on, as the depression did not get any better - getting suicidal - So I left but my big mistake was that after I left, I felt I never wanted to have to go back, like before when the elders strongly suggested I do so. I went and commited adultry and as I had almost done it before (2 times) it was considered I was not repentant and so I was d/f'd. This was done at the new congregation I am attending. I agree with them as I need to straighten my life out, but now my problem is how do I go on??? I am not suppose to associate with any witnesses (only friends I ever had) and now I am left with absolutely nothing and no one to help me through this. I continue to cry at what I lost ... and it is not for the husband whom I am divorcing ... it is the loneliness that is killing me. How do I survive this? Humans are social creatures and I am so lost and feel like I have no one and dont know where to turn. I honestly love the truth and I feel they were right in my being d/f'd, but I am having a REAL hard time adjusting to the what do I do with the time when I dont work, go to meetings, study, and clean house. There is no one here ... there are interested co-workers, now that word got out I left him, but I know I am not suppose to see anyone ... and if and when I get back in, who would want me anyway? I cheated .. I was desperate to get out of the abuse and did what I felt (at that time)what I thought I had to do (bad thinking on my part). I long for companionship as I NEVER had it in the marriage ... such a disaster ... I do not want to go back into a depression but am not sure what to do now? Any suggestions?

Abaddon

Dear Bonnie,

If you want to go back because you are sure that Jehovah's Witnesses are 100% right, and have actually proved this to your satisfaction using material they have not produced, fine. I disagree with you though. The Witnesses DON'T have the truth, if there is such a thing. They condition people to fear anything other than Witnesses or Witness produced literature, and thus trap them into a very closed mindset. They also set up the social structure so that people who don't follow the line are kicked out and subjected to soial torture by being shunned.

If it was the truth, it could survive comparison with other beliefs and research into it; remember the Boreans who studided INTENSIVELY to make sure they were being told the truth. If a Witness doesn't agree with EVERYTHING the Organisation says, they can be kicked out. Dissent, even if it is done reasonably out of good motives is just not allowed. COmpare this to how disputes of belief were resolved in the 1st Century.

If you want to go back because you are lonely, that's fine and human. But there are an awful lot of people out there, who are good, decent people. You have been conditioned to accept the world is bad. Well, it might not be perfect, but here on this board there are hundreds of people who went throught the lonliness you are going through now, and built their lives anew. It might not be as easy as running back to the Kingdom Hall because you are lonely, but you end up with a real life, anfd a happy one, I promise you.

Stay here a while, get to know people on the General Discussion Board, and do some research into the validity of what you have been told. It'll be okay; my email is listed if you want to chat.

Keep on rocking in the free world...

bonnie95

Thanks Abaddon.... I really do think I will like this forum, it puts me in communication with other people whom have been where I am, which is very hard for the majority of people to understand. I grew up in the truth and it is so ingrained in parts of me, but then I had that 'other side' which I still do not understand.

Prisca

Hi Bonnie,

I was really touched by your having to endure an abusive marriage. There are others here who have been through the same. You may be able to find them by going back over past posts, or else, you could put up a thread in the main forum, and I can guarrantee you that you will find support from those who have gone through the same as you.

I would also suggest that you try to get in touch with a community health group that is for abused spouses. It may help you to heal, and give you the support that you need.

You have only recently been disfellowshipped, so I can understand that your pain is still raw.

You need to give yourself time to heal and move on with your life. Don't make any rash decisions just now - sit back and absorb everything. If, after a period of time, you feel you need to return to the congregation, do so if that is what you feel is best for YOU. Don't do it to please anyone else. You alone are responsible for what happens to you in your life.

I wish you well, and I hope you find the help and support you need.

bonnie95

Thanks Prisca,

Trying to endure coming out of this marraige, setting up a new home, and dealing with money problems etc ... losing all my friends (or at least people I could talk to) is so hard. I realize I have to go on and make new friends or this could kill me ... I am strong but at times feel so weak. I hope to find people who might live close to Chicago so I could at least start somewhere ... just real scared. But this is a start ......

dungbeetle

Bonnie...I'm glad you seem to be able to stick around during this iddicult period you are going through. I had a very nice chat with you in the chatroom tonight and i hope you keep coming back.

We are a very talkative lot, and there is an incredible mix (some 'in', some 'out', some going back, some coming out, some who have never been 'in')and some of us you will 'connect' with and some you will not. As is the case with all of us.

Welcome to the board; and hang on...it's a bumpy ride sometimes!!!!

BITE ME, WATCHTOWER!!!

BoozeRunner

Hi again Bonnie. I hope I was able to help you a bit thru the e-mail I sent. Stick around this board, as there many who have valuable advice to help you. Also, it is good to be able to communicate with those who understand the abandonment and loneliness you are feeling right now. Get on your feet, and take care of YOU. That is very important. Rest assured that if JW's can so easily put their "friendship" aside, then you can do without them as you get your life together.

Welcome to the board, and enjoy your participation here.

Boozy

bonnie95

I truly think this will help with the feelings of despair. I keep very active in the day so its only when I am by myself sometimes (and weekends) when I am not doing anything that I get down. I suppose the trick is to get out and do something. How would I do this? How can I meet people? I dont really think the bar scene is the way to go. Besides I wouldnt like going into any place like that by myself. Much as I love the computer I think personal contact is also important. Must search more on forum for more answers .... Thanks For being so supportive, this is great.

JanH

Bonnie,

I think pursuing your interests can be a help. After I left the JWs, I took up martial arts for a time, and made many friends through that. If you work, your workmates can be helpful. And what about education? Perhaps you can take an evening course at least. Education not only gives knowledge, but many lifelong friends. Also, as a mother you meet other parents.

The "bar scene" certainly was good for me. Many of my best mates I met on my local pub.

As they say: To get friends, be a friend. As JWs we often kept a distance to "worldly" workmates and other contacts. Changing that attitude may take time, but it's a good feeling to be part of the real world.

Remember, it takes time. The important thing is concentrating on being a socially positive person.

- Jan
--
"Doctor how can you diagnose someone with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and then act like I had some choice about barging in here right now?" -- As Good As It Gets

teenyuck

Bonnie-

Hello and welcome to the board. Having been in your shoes about 18 years ago, I can assure you it will get better. However, it will require you to be strong and open minded. I was in an abusive marriage. I got lucky. A co-worker gave me the name and phone number of a free service for abused women. I was terrified. They were worldly-what could they do to help me? What they did was open my eyes to why I accepted the abuse. Why I stayed. Etc. You have probably thought of all of this.

Talking to someone objective and who has training in helping you overcome your pain is cruicial. Being told to "endure" is the standard JW quote. My mother was in an abusive marriage. She too was told to "endure". When she was beaten up so badly that her eyes were beaten shut, she finally got help. It was not from the brothers. It was from a professional. There are many organizations in the Chicago area. That is where I, and my mother, recieved help. If you cannot pay, they will still help you. Her husband, my stepfather, was never reprimanded for his actions. The brothers said my mother must have done something to provoke him!

Please look in the local phone book under domestic abuse and or/women's groups. Or call the Red Cross. Or the United Way. They will not try to convert you, just help. You need help in overcoming the negative brainwashing. You will not necessarily deny being a JW. My mother still is. I am not. However, she is ever grateful to the professionals who helped her overcome her pain. They did not care what religion she was.

I wish you well. I have been out of the Chicago area for over 12 years, so I am not the best resource on local help. However, it is out there. Good luck.

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