For a while I was considering moving back to my hometown for several reasons. The only problem is ALL of my family there are witnesses…and it would have been really hard on me. But at the same time, I was in a relationship that was unhealthy, my emotional needs were unnoticed and I was more of a fixture or trophy, and felt trapped.
I decided not to move back home, the risks are just too great. However, the choice to relocate is a good one, and there is a place I can be and fulfill some of the responsibility I feel to be closer to family. Beyond that, I can’t just go to where they are, so closer it will be. I need to be alone for a while, I’ve known it for a long time, but was just afraid to follow through. I’m not getting any younger…so it’s high time for some tough love for myself.
This sucks. The decision to be alone for a while sounds easy at first…it still sounds easy now, doing it, however, is another story. I made the choice, a decision to be romantically unattached for a year. It was on the way to ending a rebound relationship that I realized I have never really been without a safety net, the people we keep on the fringes to make sure we don’t have to do without, whether it be sex or companionship.
It really is an art, I think, the ability to keep people emotionally at bay and yet available to you. It is a dark art to be sure, but still amazing to contemplate, even if you are the one who does it. Looking back I find myself amazed at how it is done without any intent, yet so effectively. I find myself having to constantly bite my tongue, as we were taught as dubs to be so great at finding common ground, or creating it instantly. Even now I see where I have made inroads just in case, a few different people that are within a smile and an invitation.
Then I came “home” to my hotel room. I just finished driving to Santa Fe from Virginia yesterday…yea, it happens that fast. As I came to my hotel I dreaded going to my room…alone. Not alone for the night but as it stands right now there is no person that holds the prospect of a “happily ever after”. There is one I would like to…but she has a long way to go and I dare not get in the way.
I hope I can do this, the need to be self sufficient is there for me but I also am so afraid of being alone. It’s bad enough walking around feeling like a freak because you are so different from everyone else, but to not have even one person that you can call and share your thoughts with is so painful I don’t even know where to begin. The other part is, will there ever be someone who can know me, all of me, and then love me? Even more so, can I love them?
I’ve always wanted to be with one person, even though I find it so hard to do so. The reason is it takes so much to comprehend the things in my head, not bad things, just really deep and unspoken things, the things most people never dare talk about because they’ve never faced them. So there are all these people that can understand different parts…together they make the perfect one. That’s not fair to them.
So…the decision is to stop picking parts of people, or rather people that collectively make up the one I need, and instead stay alone until I find the one that has it all. The biggest fear is that she doesn’t exist. But regardless I have to be ok by myself first… I’ve known it and tried a few times, but the fear of being alone always seems to win out and I end up with the wrong person...or maybe too comitted too soon.
Maybe not this time.
WLG