Walls
I have found the quintessential line to describe a successful, longtime marriage. I found it, of all places, in a Jimmy Buffet song.
My husband is a huge Jimmy Buffet fan. Buffet is from Pascagoula, MS, and my husband is from nearby New Orleans . They have much in common. The Gulf Coast , a love of cheeseburgers and boats; an easy going personality, and hurricanes (both atmospheric and alcoholic).
I like Jimmy Buffet’s music as well. In fact, one of the first concerts we went to together was a Jimmy Buffet concert at the Audubon Zoo. But I’ve always thought of Jimmy Buffet music as "his" music.
This weekend while on a quick trip to the mountains of western North Carolina , we listened to "his" music on "his" I-Pod as we rode in the car. I’ve heard these songs before and for the most part I enjoy them as much as he does. He does not feel quite the same way about "my" music, so I have a habit of playing "my" music when I’m alone in the car or when traveling with our kids.
Having been married 26 years we have developed routines, rhythms and habits that for the most part go unspoken. We move with and around each other in day to day life, usually in harmony.
Over the years we have had many minor disagreements and a few life changing upheavals. We have spoken harsh words, inflicted blows to both egos, read many a "self help book" and even gone to therapy .We have learned a great deal from all of these. But we have learned the most useful and profound lessons from each other.
After 26 years, you get to know a person. My husband and I have few surprises left for each other. We know each other’s likes and dislikes. We know what makes each one happy and how to trigger a fight. We know where we stand on issues, both trivial and important.
Our personalities are very different. I’m an extrovert, he’s an introvert. I love change, he likes routine. He loves both to watch and play sports, I’m an artsy fartsy snob and a klutz. His views are conservative, I’m a "bleeding heart liberal". We have some life long, "will never see it your way" issues. But, nevertheless, our marriage "works".
Early in our marriage I would have loved to change him. I longed for my "soul mate". That romanticized, glamorized, Hollywoodized creature that was on the "same page" with me on absolutely everything. I agonized over being misunderstood. I’m sure, to some extent, my husband had similar feelings.
Today, we are just as different as we’ve ever been. In fact, not only are we still different but we discuss our differences regularly. We seldom, if ever, fight. I can honestly say, I have never been happier, both in my marriage or in life in general.
So what has changed to bring about this harmony and contentment? Our perspective. Viewing our differences as gifts and assets rather than defects and obstacles. And, most importantly, accepting that some things just "are"; that some of our differences have to be "lived with".
I am in no way advocating turning a blind eye to such things as abuse, violence or disrespect within a marriage. There are, absolutely, issues that are non-negotiable. There are issues no one should ignore or compromise on. Thankfully, none of these issues have ever been our misfortune to deal with.
So what am I saying? What is this profound bit of wisdom I gleaned from a Jimmy Buffet song? Well, here it is: from the song, "Coast of Carolina ", the line goes:
"…and the walls that won’t come down, we can decorate or climb, or find some way to get around, ‘cause I’m still on your side, from the bottom of my heart."
That’s it, no big "whooptido", just a line in a not so popular Jimmy Buffet song; but to me, at this stage of my life, it speaks volumes.
We have decorated, and climbed, and walked around the "walls" that make up our unique personalities. We have learned to love and respect each other in spite of and sometimes because of our "walls". We have stepped back and looked at the "walls" and seen beauty instead of roadblocks, opportunities to learn instead of dead ends.
Today, I can honestly say I love my husband more than I ever have or thought possible; that I would not want to share my life with any one else but him.
Thank you Jimmy Buffet, for crystallizing my thoughts and feelings in your lovely song.