When someone is suicidal they say they should talk but...

FreedomFrog

when the person is so low in spirit and they try to talk, all they hear "quit being a baby and suck it up". Or they over hear ones say about another people that is depressed "oh, they are just saying this for attention".

I was thinking about all of this because of two things. When my friend Jen took her life last month she was so depressed and none of us knew. I watched documentation on TV about a gal who lost her husband and she became an alcoholic and very depressed. She took bunches of Trazadone which put her in a coma. After she came back from the coma, her mom, sisters, friends talked about her just doing it to "get attention". She is now a recovered alcoholic and is making things better for herself but non of her family and friends come around.

So when a friend is truly suicidal but will not say things about it because they know how most will react...how can we as friends know they are in the danger zone?

Edit: added too many "m's" in "coma"...

eclipse

Here is a good informative site on suicidal signs and what to do when you think your loved one might be...

So sorry about your friend, FreedomFrog

http://mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=465&cn=9

FreedomFrog

Thanks eclipse...

This wasn't really started because of my friend Jen, it's more for one of my other friends. Since the ordeal last month, my other friend is really hitting a low spot. I asked her about it and she said she's just a "loner" and didn't want to talk. I can see she's hurting very bad and I have no idea how low she is. I do fear if she gets any lower she may end up like Jen. She doesn't have a husband and she's told me before she's feels lonely and depressed. I've called her and she won't answer the phone. I do worry about her.

Finally-Free

I've battled depression for most of my life. When I avoid talking to people is usually when it's at its worst. If she doesn't answer the phone, then go to her house and knock on the door. Drag her out for dinner, a coffee, a movie, or whatever - just not alcohol. Do it regularly. If she's anything like me she probably won't appreciate it at first; it takes time. She didn't get depressed over nght, and it won't go away with one or 2 outings.

She should see a doctor. Maybe medication would help. I haven't found any meds that help me - their side effects have been a problem for me. But forcing myself to get out and do things, and get a little exercise help a lot. My bird, Rocco, has done wonders for me. I actually stopped contemplating suicide since I got him. I have something to care about again.

Saying that someone is looking for attention is stating the obvious. Humans are, by nature, social creatures. We need attention the same as we need food, water, air, etc. No one should ever be made to feel bad because they need attention.

W

Lady Lee

The tragic thing about people who contemplate suicide is that they have lost hope.

Many have been emotionally neglected by the very ones they need to pay attention. The kinds of comments that you stated ("quit being a baby and suck it up" and "oh, they are just saying this for attention".

This leaves the person often thinking "I am the problem. They are OK. and since they are OK then the problem must be me). They keep trying to get what they need but keep getting shot down. They rarely make the connection that they need to go somewhere else for the help they need. Rarely do they realize the family has a huge problem in seeing what the problem is.

We all have this longing for family - a family that cares. For many it hurts too much to realize the family can't give them what they want and need.

And the family prefers to not think about their own responsibility that they may have contributed to the problems of the person who needs help.

As for your other friend. Sadly people are at more risk if they know someone has committed suicide. When my sister succeeded a couple of years ago I was talking to my doictor who immediately did a risk assessment on me. I knew what she was doing and reassured her that wasn't how I choose to deal with my problems now.

But the higher risk is there for your friend. If she won't answer the phone - go visit. If she won't answer the door send a letter or leave a note. Or say through the door that you won't leave until she opens the door. Give her a list of emergency pnone numbers (check in the front page of your telephone books) - most are 24 hour hotlines.

Hopefully she will get the help she needs

FreedomFrog

But the higher risk is there for your friend. If she won't answer the phone - go visit. If she won't answer the door send a letter or leave a note. Or say through the door that you won't leave until she opens the door.

I thought her risk was higher. She and Jen were like sisters. She's taking it pretty hard. I just talked with her Tuesday and she seems very down. I asked her when she was going to see a professional to help her through the loss (she even knows she should go) but she just can't get motivated because she feels better alone.

I just text messaged her moments ago so I'll see if she'll respond. If not I may be taking a trip out to her house. She tends to not answer her phone but will text message back.

I don't think she would do something aweful like that but then again I didn't think Jen would either. (long sigh)

LisaRose

Your friend is in real danger. I've been so depressed that I didn't want to talk to anyone also, so I understand why she would say that, but you need to intervene anyway. I would just say "I know you are down and you don't want to talk about it, but I am concerned about you. Promise me you won't do anything rash. I want to call and make an appointment for you, what is your doctors name?" She could outright refuse, but at least you can give it a chance. She isn't seeking help because it takes to much energy which she doesn't have right now. If you take the initiative it may be easier for her just to let you lead her. I've been on both sides of this issue, so that's what I would do.

jaguarbass

So when a friend is truly suicidal but will not say things about it because they know how most will react...how can we as friends know they are in the danger zone?

I am a detention officer dealing with juveniles. We are taught if we suspect someone is suicidal to ask them do they want to kill themselves, or do you want to harm yourself. Then we know we have to act. If we dont ask we dont know. They teach us that asking someone if they want to kill themself will not give them the idea or more succinctly make them want to kill themself if they didnt already want to kill themself. Every night when I book a youth in, I ask him do you want to hurt yourself, if they say yes, its off to the rubber room till the psychiatrist comes in. Actually we put them in a padded velcro suit and watch them. Often times those that say they want to kill themselves try to while incarcarated. And those that say they dont want to kill themselves dont.

You can know if your friends are in the danger zone if they have had a loss of a job, financial losses, or loss of a loved one for starters. Or if they are arrested and in jail.

AuldSoul

When I was at the brink I didn't experience that kind of reaction from very many people at all, FF. But I did expect to. I am eternally thankful that the overwhelming majority of people on this forum didn't treat my need to talk derisively.

I am sorry about Jen and about your friend. I am glad she has someone like you in her life right now.

Respectfully,
AuldSoul

jgnat

I say it is good to talk, but talk to a safe person.

A good friend of mine recovered from suicide, but her attempt deeply wounded many of her friends and relatives. It took them years to recover from the near-disaster themselves. The girl had to renew her life and rebuild her friendships.

Yes, it's a long, hard road.

The other sad case I see is the addict mother who gives birth to a crack baby. The child is high-needs itself, and the mother has the double whammy of guilt and incapacity. She has to overcome her own problems and take care of the child, knowing all the while she is the cause.

When someone is suicidal they say they should talk but...

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