JW Parenting Vs. Your Own

by pettygrudger 9 Replies latest social family

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  pettygrudger

  I'm interested in knowing how any of you now raise your children. We all know how the majority of JW children are raised - berated, guilt-ridden, low self-esteem, spanked regularly, obey in fear, etc. etc.

  I have a 14 y.o. & 5 y.o. Neither have ever been spanked, I've never really RAISED my voice to them in anything other than a stern tone, and I don't punish for individual thought or action (unless they are/were in jeopardy of hurting themselves or others emotionally, mentally or physically). I pretty much have taught them the "golden rule", some manners and politeness. I have frank discussions w/my teenager regarding "sex", even though its an embarrassment to both I think, but I don't tell him who, what or where - I leave it to teaching things about "safe sex" and consideration issues and the feelings involved w/choosing to have it. Drugs are a no-no of course - and he knows that I feel this way, but then again I think most experimented at one time or another. So he knows he would be punished for experimenting, but at the same time, he feels pretty secure in discussing such things with me.

  My teenager seems to be turning into a beautiful human being for all my "not sparing the rod". He's sensitive, caring, open minded, plays football, but still writes poetry (a.k.a rap songs ) he takes drama and has the same crush on the same girl since 1st grade. He also works all the Autism functions I help coordinate w/out being asked. Just today (which is why I'm posting this) we were discussing X-mas presents and he said "You know mom, I have everything I need. I'm really lucky. We should do one of those adopt-a-family things this year. I don't mind not getting presents." Of course he shall receive double. He also says that if needed, as soon as he's graduated from high-school he will be enlisting in the military to serve his country.

  My point is that compared to the way I turned out, he seems to be on the right track, and I'm wondering if any of you have seen the same w/your children? Plus, I wanted a chance to "brag" about my kid, and would adore reading any "brag" stories you wish to share.
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  openminded

  Great job petty! Your son will pay you back 100 x over.
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  LDH

  Petty, GREAT topic. Open, I'm sorry.

  How about these suggestions, which are a part of my parenting:

  Every 'bad news' story on the evening news is NOT used as a chance to warn my child about the 'end coming'.Instead, it's pointed out to her that there is plenty of GOOD news also happening, but that doesn't sell airtime or newspapers.

  She is allowed to choose friends based on common interests instead of on her parent's religion. (c'mon, you know you had NOTHING in common with most of those dweebs at the hall)

  She is allowed to express her personal creativity, and indeed it is encouraged. I was an exceptionally good athlete, but as much as I would love for her to LOVE sports, it's ok with me that she loves the ARTS instead! (Music, drawing, singing).

  She is allowed to choose her own clothes within reason, and I do not try to make her look like Laura Ingalls from Little House on the Prarie. ( A sore point for me; and others I'm sure)

  I PUSH her to be independent, (ie won't wake her for school if she doesn't set her alarm clock; instead, she takes the discipline from school).

  I *do not* have the answer for every question she asks. (On purpose) I tell her, "I need to find out more" or "If I tell you the answer to that question it would just be my opinion. You have the right to form your own opinion."

  We *demand* academic excellence, because she knows she's going to college.

  Her extra curricular activities are left in the hands of the school teachers/guardians to supervise. (IE, Marching band, every Saturday out of town for a performance. She must launder, press, and dress herself {tuxedo get-up w/ cummerbund and bowtie}) She is dropped off at the designated time, and picked up at the designated time. She is not circled like a hawk and I do not sign up to *chaperone* every event just to keep my eye on her.

  She's 11 years old, and I am blown away by what a child can accomplish with the right guidance and support.

  PS. In case you think I'm delusional about her being the 'perfect child,' her TV privileges were revoked on Sunday for one month because she had homework to finish and did not do it over the weekend. We *refuse* to monitor homework; it is her responsibility. She is expected to MAKE the time to do her homework.

  We have very few rules but they are strictly enforced.
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  lisaBObeesa

  I was raised JW, and I came away form that with a long list of things NOT to do with my own kids.

  I feel like I am stumbling along, trying to do the best I can. I have a lot of fear of messing up my kids and I think that is a bad thing in a way. I'm always swinging too far in one direction or the other......usually in the direction of not enough rules.

  I don't know how much of this has to do with being brought up a JW, but I think more of it comes from issues I have with my father who was a control freak.

  I wish I was like those of you who seem so clear about your parenting. I feel like I am in a fog, and it is NOT good for my kids.

  --LisaBObeesa
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  LDH

  Lisa,

  Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I'd like to make a few suggestions since you feel you err on the side of 'not enough rules.'

  Make a list of your top ten rules that, whenever violated, will result in strict discipline. Some of mine are:

  1. Bedtime at 9. If you choose to read you may do so until 9:30.

  2. Teeth brushed, face washed (if she doesn't shower in the morning) before school and before bed. After school I also encourage her to wash her face or at least wipe it to get all that sweat/bacteria off (zits).

  3. Breakfast is a must. Nutritious foods or a protein/fruit smoothie.

  4. NO SUGAR BEFORE 12 NOON. EVER. PERIOD.

  5. Chores must be done daily or at lest every other day.

  6. Permission to use the phone or computer is required (I almost never say no; it just teaches respect to make her ask)

  7. She is NEVER forced to clean her plate. However, if she wants dessert or snacks, she has to eat all her dinner. I give her appropriate portions and she usually has seconds of something; good eater.

  8. I get ALL school communication after school. She is not allowed to bring me forms to sign in the morning rush. (leads to good planning) Neither hubby nor I will sign them.

  -->Just so you kind of get the idea. The fewer rules you have, the easier to enforce them. The less you have to say NO as a parent, the better your parenting skills. New rules take only a week or so to establish; it's pure hell the first week but if you don't waver, they'll get the idea. It's ok to say, "Kids, there's a new set of house rules." Don't be afraid to be the parent. Determine before hand what the discipline method will be if one of the rules is broken, and communicate that clearly to your child. In our house, missing a bedtime means you go to bed one hour early the next night.

  Please tell me if this helps you any. I hope so. It's what I call "Easy Parenting" even tho there is no such thing.

  Lisa
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  Mommie Dark

  Lisa your rules sound so sensible and simple! Of course we all know simple does NOT mean 'easy'; it's obvious your child is learning good lessons in self-discipline from your rules. Congratulations on doing a spiffy job!

  I confess I sometimes err on the side of indulgence with Little Dark; reactionism to the whack-'em-into-submission style I grew up with and practiced on my older kids. However the basic rules are simple around here too and he is real easygoing about compliance, so I feel the occasional indulgence of the only kid in a houseful of adults is not harming him.

  He has a schedule we can all live with and school is no hassle. He is a fine student, newly-elected to student council, takes violin lessons, does his homework without complaint, and usually doesn't make a chore out of bathing. He loves to read and draw and has an incredible sense of humor. He plays D&D and other games with his grown family and keeps right up with them. I feel blessed to have a relatively 'easy' kid in my middle age (raising ADHD kids in the cult was a daily waking nightmare!) and it's obvious which method of childrearing gives superior results.

  If I could go back I would sure change how I treated my grown boys. I'm grateful they have turned out as nice as they did considering how they learned as kids. Personal responsibility is a much better way than cult fearmongering!
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  Bgurltryal

  7. She is NEVER forced to clean her plate. However, if she wants dessert or snacks, she has to eat all her dinner. I give her appropriate portions and she usually has seconds of something; good eater.

  This reminds me of my dad. He would place my desert down infront of me and say 'you don't get this 'til you eat that' refering to the meal infront of me. Well...our dinning room had this large window so when he would leave to go to the kitchen i would dump what i didn't want out of the window and happily eat my desert. He never found out and i fed the local wildlife too!
  So make sure you tie your kid to the chair and padlock the windows before attempting this one.
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  Angharad

  Bgurltryal

  This is where my cat came in handy when I was growing up, especially if we were having liver(which I HATE), the cat was really fast at grabbing anything I flicked off the plate at her.
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  Angharad

  Also my brother used to hate peas, so he used to store them up in his cheecks like at hampster, then when dinner was all finished he'd go to the bathroom and spit them in the toilet - would have been easier just to eat them!
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  LDH

  BWAHAHA. Yes, BGurl, and Ang, I used these tricks and then some when I was little.

  There is a difference, though. We were FORCED to eat foods we didn't like, and we never had a choice about certain things. For instance, my father would make oatmeal every day in the winter. We were not allowed to leave the table unless we ate it, and we had a time limit whereupon we would get whipped with a belt if we weren't finished in time. Many times, I preferred the belt to the oatmeal. I went to school MANY mornings crying my eyes out.

  His secret ingredient? CHEESE. Yes I said cheese. He would melt it in the pot with milk and then stir in the oatmeal. To this day, I REFUSE to eat oatmeal.

  I give choices--NEVER force her to eat something if she's tried it once and doesn't like it.

  She tries EVERYTHING and eats 98% of the food I cook, happily. Last night for dinner I made Chicken Parmesan (from scratch), peas, and pierogies. I was so tired I thought I was gonna collapse, but she came out of her room and said, "Mom, I LOVE it when you make dinner. Your food is SO GOOD." I got a sudden burst of energy, let me tell you.