crabby

by John Doe 4 Replies latest social humour

• 

  John Doe

  The day after losing his wife in a diving accident, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
  "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."
  "Tell me! Did you find her?" the man cried. The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

  Fearing the worse, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
  The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

  "Oh my god!" said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
  The trooper continued. "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound king crabs and a half-dozen good size Dungeness crabs on her."

  Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"
  The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
• 

  Brother Apostate

  Did you hear about the crab that went to a crustacean party?

  He pulled a Mussel and went home.
• 

  John Doe

  Don't remember where I saw this one, but I liked it. :-)

  Build a man a fire, and you keep him warm for one night.
  Set a man on fire, and you keep him warm for the rest of his life.
• 

  Brother Apostate

  FEMALE POEM

  I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong
  One who loves to listen long
  One who thinks before he speaks
  One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
  I want him to be gainfully employed,
  And when I spend his cash, he not be annoyed.
  Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
  Massages my back and begs to do more.
  Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind
  And knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
  I want this man to love me to no end,
  And always be my very best friend.

  MALE POEM

  
  I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
  with huge boobs
  who owns a liquor store
  and a bass boat.
  I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a crap!
• 

  RisingEagle

  A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
  
  Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her passionately.
  
  The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
  
  The husband thought for a moment and replied,. "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

  I couldn't remember any crab jokes but since this one referred to fishing I threw it in.

  Eagle