Posted by Pronger [pronger] on November 27, 2000 at
19:44:00 {yVBp4mCrswoiQGMzJsxUeCYZfINPhI}:
Lord Under Investigation For Failure To Provide
WASHINGTON, DC--The six-millennia-old sky-father deity
Yahweh, worshiped by Christians, Muslims and Jews
alike for His alleged all-knowing compassion and vast
benevolence toward humanity, refused comment following
Monday's announcement that the U.S. Justice Department
will investigate allegations of failure on His part to
provide for His approximately 3.5 billion human
followers.
According to Justice Department officials, on more
than 70 trillion documented occasions, the Lord has
failed to provide for dutiful worshippers, allowing
them to go without Providence in times of great need
and showing little if any of the celebrated deity's
much-touted "boundless love."
The list of Justice Department allegations ranges from
the mundane, such as the Lord's reported September
1995 refusal to see to it that Terre Haute, IN,
Presbyterian Joyce Halstrom receives a new set of
drapes for her anniversary, to the catastrophic, such
as last year's Mexico City earthquake, in which God
allowed an estimated 150,000 devout Catholics to be
crushed to death under tons of debris.
"These are very serious charges," U.S. Attorney
General Janet Reno said. "I can assure you that our
department will investigate them fully."
The allegations directly contradict over 6,000 years
of extravagant claims by the Lord's prophets of
"miracle" cures and other forms of all-encompassing
heavenly grace.
Immediately following the Justice Department
announcement, many of the Lord's top earthly
representatives fled into hiding, including Pope John
Paul II, New York's Cardinal O'Connor, and Rabbi
Menachem Schindler, president of the World Orthodox
Jewish Congress.
In Rome, an unruly mob surrounded the Panamanian
Embassy, where many believe the Pope is currently
hiding out and seeking asylum. These reports, however,
remain unsubstantiated as of press time.
The Lord did not respond to a federal subpoena
ordering him to appear before the investigative
commission, and refused to speak to reporters on this
or any subject throughout the week.
Efforts on the part of law-enforcement authorities to
contact the alleged supreme being via the
intercessionary medium of prayer have been equally
unsuccessful.
One of the areas in which the Lord has been the most
negligent, the Justice Department claims, is in
providing His followers with adequate access to
education: Fundamentalist Christians remain, after
thousands of years, among the least educated groups in
the world, ranking below pro-wrestling enthusiasts and
carnival workers.
Claims of an eternal "life after death" also remain
unconfirmed by deceased believers from around the
globe.
"It's sad to think of the abusive treatment people
have received at the hands of their so-called
protector," U.S. Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-VT) said,
"especially when you think about all those countless
hours they spent in houses of worship rejoicing and
loudly bearing thanks and praise."
The senator noted that, with over 450,000 hymns and
songs written about Him, the Lord ranks among the most
praised entities ever.
If the charges prove true, the Lord could face up to
3,100 years in jail and/or fines totalling $50
trillion. He would also be forced to return all
gratitude and thanks paid to Him by followers,
backdated to the dawn of civilization.
Despite the seriousness of the charges, many believers
remain loyal to the embattled deity. "I know it seems
like the worst thing ever," said Lynette Maddox, a
Flatwoods, KY, manicurist and mother of nine, "but we
just have to trust that it's all part of God's plan."
© Copyright 2000 Onion, Inc., All rights reserved.
http://www.theonion
Just for fun........
waiting
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